Three guys worked on a building site. An Englishman, a German and an Irishman.
At lunch break taken high up on the building perched on a girder the
englishman
opened his sandwich and said "not ham and tomato again! Everyday its the same
thing. I swear to you now if she gives me this again tomorrow THEN I AM
JUMPING
OFF THIS GIRDER."

The German opened his and said the same thing about his bratwurst sandwich.

The Irishman, Mr Paddy opened his and said "Oh no its cheese again well if I
get this tomorrow o'im with you boys off the edge and no mistake..."

Next day they all got the same sandwiches and one by one jumped to their
death.

At the funeral the Englishmans wife said "I can't understand it. I thought my
Frank loved his ham and tomato. I can't understand why he did such a thing.
All
he had to do was ask and I would have given him something different."

The Germans wife said "My Fritz always said he loved his Bratwurst. I can't
understand it either. I would have given him more variety if I had known he
cared so much."

And Paddy's wife said " Well I definitely can't understand it. He always made
his own sandwiches!"

*******************

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages,
though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there
is no language where in a double positive can form a negative." 

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

*******************

Alfafa and his younger sister go into the grocery store. Alfafa is nine and
she
is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries
it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
Alfafa replies "Nope, not for my mom."
Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister
then?"
Alfafa quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your
sister, who are they for?"
Alfafa says "They're for my four year old little sister."
The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little sister??"
He explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim
or ride a bike and my little sister can't do either of them!"

*******************

The pretty young Miss was having a tooth pulled and the dentist gave her the
usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a drill in
his hand.
He immediately drew back in complete alarm. 
"Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "You have hold of my testicles!"
"Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are
we?"

*******************

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the
window seat, the other in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat
next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling
in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."
(Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but you probably knew that.)

"No problem," said the Jew. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone the
Arab
picked up the Jew's shoe and spat in it. The Jew brought back the coke, when
the other Arab said, "That looks good. I Think I'll have one too." Again, the
Jew obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the
other shoe and spits in it.

The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the short
flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples... this
hatred... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

*******************

A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. 
I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the
doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.
"Well, what is it?" he asks.
"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared
on the inside of my thighs.'
The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. 
Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?"
The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have."
"That's the problem," the doctor says, "Tell him his earrings aren't made of
gold!!!"

*******************

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the
young women he'd been seeing for sometimes. He was quite nervous about the
meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was
in state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the
canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer
without exploding.  A tiny fart escape.
"SPOT" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the
young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly
longer one go.
"Spot" she called out sharply.
"I've got it made," thought the fellow himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So
he let loose a really big one.
"SPOT" shrieked the mother.
"Get over here before he shits on you"

*******************

In the Eighteenth Century Bishop Berkely, an important philosopher, asked this
question:

"If there is a chair in a room, but there is no-one in the room to observe it,
is it still there?"

Updated, the question might go:

"If there is a woman in a room, talking, but there is no man in the room to
listen to her, is she still wrong?"

*******************

A man has been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.
One hot day, (of course, they're all hot) he comes to the home of a
missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the
doorstep. The missionary takes him in and nurses him back to health. Feeling
better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. The
missionary tells him, and that he must barrow the horse to make it. He says,
"However, there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank
God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Now anxious to get to town, the man says, "Sure, OK." and gets on the horse. 
He says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. A bit later he says
louder,
"Thank God, thank God, " and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave,
the man say, "Thank God! Thank God!
THANK GOD!" and the horse is soon up to a full run!
About then he realizes he'd heading for a huge cliff edge, and yells "Whoa!"
but the horse dosen't even slow! It's coming up REAL QUICK and he's doing
everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!" Finally he
remembers; "AMEN!!!"
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff, almost throwing him over its head. 
The man, panting and heart racing, wipes the sweat from his face and leans
back
in the saddle. 
"Oh!" he says, gasping for air, "Thank GOD!"

*******************

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take
the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the
trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you
say, at
the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. 
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favorite mule Bessie into the..." 
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?". 
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road..." 
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the
fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on
the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying
to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer
the
question." 
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
said to
the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say." 
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded
Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge
semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the
side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, 
I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape
just by her groans. 
Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could
hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at
her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. 
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at
me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you
feeling ?"

*******************

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. 
He sits it down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that it is very
talented and can play any musical instrument. 
Everyone laughs at him. So he says he will bet anyone 50 that the octopus
is as
musical as he claims.
A guy walks up with a guitar and the octopus starts playing The Rodriguez
guitar concerto - amazed, the guy hands over the 50. 
Another comes along with a trumpet. Some perfect Dizzie Gillespie follows. He
hands over his 50. A Scottish Highlander walks up with a set of bagpipes.The
octopus fumbles with it for a few minutes before sitting down looking
confused.

"Ah! So he can't play it" exclaims the Highlander.
The octopus looks up and says "Play it? I'm going to f--k it as soon as I can
get its pyjamas off!"

*******************

THE IMPORTANCE OF CORRECT PUNCTUATION

Dear John: 
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. 
You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings
whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be
yours? 
Gloria

or

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. 
You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings
whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?!?
Yours,
Gloria

*******************

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an
exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that
the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his
overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to
him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter
how kinky, for $100 on one condition." 

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied,
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." 

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his
pocket, and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the
young woman's hand.

He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

*******************

How do you teach a blonde math?
Subtract her clothes divide, her legs and square root her!

How do you reuse a condom?
Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it!

*******************

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the
condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot.
I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner
with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me
all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down
to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the
blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for
several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a
religious person." 
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"

*******************

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,"
Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks
now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light. Does it look like I have G.E.
written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he
replied, "Fix the fridge door. Does it look like I have Westinghouse
written on my forehead? I don't think so".
"Fine," she says, "then could you at least fix the steps to the front door?
They're about to break." "Fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have
Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you.
I'm going to the bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for about an hour. He starts to feel guilty
about he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks
into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house,
he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the
fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left, I sat
outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I
told him. He offered to so all the repairs, and all I had to do was either
screw him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" She said,"Bake a cake.
Does it look like I have Sara Lee written on my forehead? I don't think so."

*******************

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would
kill you?
A pool table.

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

and what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal hermometer?
The taste.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

*******************

A frog decided to call the psychic hotline and see what his future held for him.
The psychic says, "You will meet a very beautiful girl, who will want to know
everything about you."
"That's great !" said the frog.
"Where will I meet her?
At a party, in the pond?"

The psychic hesitated, then responded, "You will meet her next semester,
in the Biology Lab!"

*******************

A man was carrying two babies, one ine ach arm while waiting for a train.
Along came this woman seeing the two cute babies started asking the man "Aren't they
cute, what are their names?"
The man giving the lady an angry look replied "I don't know".
The lady asked again "which is a boy and which is a girl?"
The man looking angrier than before replied  "I don't know".
The woman then started to scold the man "What kind of a father are you?"
The man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman
and these are two complaints that I am taking back to my company!


