The blonde returned to the sex toy shop walking stiffly. She held up a
vibrator and demanded, "I want my money back." 
When asked why, she replied, "The instructions said to insert two C
batteries, lie back, turn on the switch and enjoy myself. So I put the
batteries in, turned on the switch, nothing happened and all I've got to
show for it is a vibrator that doesn't work, a sore vagina and an
appointment to get those goddam batteries removed!"

******************

A woman goes to the zoo for a stroll. While walking in front of the
gorilla cage, she happens to catch his eye. The gorilla gets very excited
and begins to pound his chest and make all kinds of noises. Sure enough it
got the woman's attention and being quite amused, she begins to flirt. She
gave him a blink, twirled her skirt, and leaned over the bar puckering her
lips. What she didn't realize is that the gorilla has extra long arms.
The gorilla reached out, grabbed her by the neck and pulled her through the
cage bars. What followed was the wildest two hours the woman has ever had
in her life. The zookeepers finally saved her and took her to the hospital.
Two weeks later she left the hospital and all her friends got together to
visit. "It must have been shocking to be violated by such an animal," they
said. She nodded. 
"You must be really angry and hurt ," they added. 
"Of course," she replied, "Think about it. It's been two weeks and...he
didn't write, he didn't call..."

******************

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a
car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to
her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion
which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and
Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was
going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the
home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each
week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses
on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the
cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with
some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked
timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of
whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is
Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and
stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said: "This is all your fault. If it
weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

******************

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her
and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with
you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks
back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a
graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

******************

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have
to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady luck had smiled in her
favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even
managed towin the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the
show's host could ask her the big question.

Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous
and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow.
I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all
tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK." 
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started
heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. 
"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." He replied. 
Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour
absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I
managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly. 
"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'
And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' "

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling
confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. 
At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was
asking her the quiz show question. 
"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before
returning to sleep. 
And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing
her teeth. 
Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though
she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering
her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. 
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the
previous days? events, faced Jane and asked the big question. "Jane, for
$65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10
seconds." 
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. 
"Very good. ? Six seconds." 
"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." 
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I
had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough," Said the game show host," CONGRATULATIONS!!"

******************

These three boys were walking home from school. All of a sudden, they saw a
naked lady sunbathing so of course, they stopped to look.Then, right out of
the blue, one of the kids takes off running. 
The next day, they see the same lady, and again, the same kid takes off
running. On the third day they stop to see the lady, and she is still
there. But this time, before the kid can run away, his two friends grab him
by the arm, and they ask him "What's the matter, don't you like looking at
naked women?" And the kid replies, "Yea, but my mommy told me that if I
look at a naked woman too long, I'll turn to stone. And I felt something
getting hard."

******************

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her
business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she
always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One
time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he
gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. 
After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that
stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? 
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.
He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the
whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I
will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.

******************

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the
toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the
seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and
asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. 
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their
predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this
before?" 
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed." 

******************

The differences between men and women...

RELATIONSHIPS:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up,
at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to
let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate
you,and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a
chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You I Love You" drunken phone
call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community
colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

SEX:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function
as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances
rarely work out.

MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines
also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a
beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should
not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked
woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, bar
of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items
in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify
most of these items.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and
buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are
half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything
that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart
is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.

Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for:
weddings,funerals.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of
clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take
his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet
beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of
old American sitcoms.

EATING OUT:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20
bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything
smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls
get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface:
mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald heads.

MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of
these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a
uniform reaction-he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French-cap and leather
driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.


RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate
Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the
health club and dates only married women.

MADONNA:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or
12,they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As
they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and
impractical.
Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones, Complicated
juicers and blenders, Graphic equalizers, Small robots that serve cocktails
on command,Video games, Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least
6 "D" batteries to operate.

LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women.
They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as
they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk
about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They
are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is
because a man has produced every movie in the history of movies. Men will
only show their asses, because ass size doesn't really matter.

JEWELLRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing
one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge
singer named Ramone.

TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's
using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just
has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting timeouts, commercials,
or replays.

FRIENDS:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out
say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or
"Got any more beer?"

RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as
social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other.
Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old
friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself
from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a
leak. Do you want to join me?"

******************

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years
old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an
affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them.
Twice"
The priest says: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in
confession?"
"Never Father. I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody!"

******************

There were two guys on a motercycle driving down the road. The driver was
wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.
Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy,"I can't ride anymore
with the air hitting me in my chest."
After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block
the air from hitting him. So they were riding down the road and they came
around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police
and told them what happened.
The police asked him,"are either of them showing any life signs?"
The farmer then said, "well, that first one was 'til I turned his head
around the right way."

******************

There were identical twin brothers by the name of Jones. John was married
and Joe was single, but owned a small, delapidated boat.

It happened that the same day John's wife died, Joe's boat sank. 
A kind old lady met Joe on the street and, mistaking him for his brother
John, said, "Oh, Mr. Jones, I'm sorry to hear of your great loss. You must
feel terrible." Joe said, 
"Well, I'm not a bit sorry. She was rotten from the start. Her bottom was
all chewed up and she smelled of old fish from the first time I got on her.
She made water faster than anything I've ever seen. She had a bad hole in
the front and a big crack in the back. The hole kept getting bigger
everytime I used her. It got so I couldn't handle her at all."

"When anyone else used her, she leaked all over the place. What finished
her though, was four guys from the other side of town came over looking for
a good time. They asked if they could use her. I rented her to them, but
warned them that she wasn't too hot. They still insisted that they would
like to give her a try. The result was that the crazy fools all tried to
get into her at once. Well, the strain was too much for her and she cracked
right down the middle."

The old lady fainted.


******************