As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a
Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman
approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no
results, he asked where they were from. 
"America," the husband replied. 
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not
from the States." 
"Yes I am." said the wife. 
He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?" 
"Yes." she replied. 
Turning to the husband, he offered..... "I'll give you 100 camels for her." 
The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. 
Finally he replied, "she's not for sale." 
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what
took him so long to answer, to which the 
husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back
home.".

************************

Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while
their wives were in labor.
The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the
father of twins."
"What a coincidence" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins
baseball team."
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are
the father of triplets."
"Wow, what a coincidence" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given
birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask
what's wrong.
"I work for Seven-Up."

************************

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for
when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home
in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his
Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes
by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?
She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be
there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a
housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the
housekeeper..."

************************

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin
sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name
their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not
decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply
occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a
peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the
sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the
parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same
direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman.
His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as
TOWARDS and AWAY.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the
aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to
make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their
goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had
not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.
Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking
towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What
has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:
"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a
great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his
equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them
letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and
Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and
we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!
What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...." 

************************

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a
beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" 
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, 
says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. 
The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the
smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK,
truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a
belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls
out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did
that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the
Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You
don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads
back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the
load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over
the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up
the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing
the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole
load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and
starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol
officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

************************

The Little Rascals were in class one day when the teacher asked who could
spell "dictate." 
Spanky jumped up "D-I-K-T....." "No Spanky, that's not it," the teacher
replied. 
Alfalfa jumped up "D-I-C-K....." "No Alfalfa, that's not it," the teacher
again replied. 
Buckwheat jumped up "D-I-C-T-A-T-E" 
"That's right, Buckwheat!" cheered the teacher. "Now can you use it in a
sentence?" 
"Darla say my dic tate good!"

************************

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening
that reads:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her):
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read
as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him):
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy.
You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many
more times than 54 goes into 18.

************************

THE 10 MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN A WOMAN'S LIFE

1. The Doctor because he says,"Take off your clothes"
2. The Dentist because he says,"Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The Milkman because he says,"Do you want it in front or in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says,"Once you have it all in, you'll
love it."
6. The Banker because he says,"If you take it out to soon, you'll lose
interest"
7. The Police Officer because he says,"Spread 'em"
8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and
always eats what he shoots.

************************

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by
chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left to
buy popcorn, the boy piped up, "Mom, what's that long thing on the
elephant?"
"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
"No, not that."
"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
"No, Mom. Down underneath."
His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."

Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As
soon as she had left the boy repeated his questions.
"That's the elephant's trunk, son."
"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the other end."
"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
"No. Down there."
The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis."
"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled* that woman."

************************

A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way
there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters" and they
reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this
morning."

This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes
on. He wondered why they thought he grumpy. He encounters a Brother a
little while later along the way and he says,"Good morning Brother." The
Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the
bed this morning." 

The priest looks confused at all this but goes on. He gets a little farther
and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father." the
priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the
bed this morning." 

Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not
saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..." The
young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks
at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed
this morning."

The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?" 

The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your holiness, what
is it you want." 

The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why
you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"

************************

A tearful housewife stood before the judge and said, " Your Honor, I want
to charge my husband with adultery. I think he has been unfaithful to me."
"Do you have any evidence?" asked the judge.
"Well, Your Honor, I've been studying the faces of my three children and
not one of them looks like him!"

************************

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He
noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear
whatsoever. 

The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes
later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined
him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set,
and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without
equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and
wrote,

"I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"

************************

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and
shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to
the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the
note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please." The
butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar
bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag,
and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since
it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.
So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a
crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing
button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change.
They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog
then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher
is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of
the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. 
The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back
to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number,
notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now
open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out
to the suburbs.
Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on
his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. 
The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still
following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He
walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back
down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. 
He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!-
against the door again! 
There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up
on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.He gets to a
window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps
off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens
the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This
dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the second time this
week he's forgotten his key!"