Canadians
---------
On the sixth day of creating earth God said to his Archangel Micheal,
"I 
am going to create Canada. I'll give them lots of fish and fertile land

so they can have food. I will give them Oil, Coal, and other minerals
so 
that they can prosper, and they will be known as the nicest people on 
the planet."

Then Micheal says, "Aren't you being a little nice to these 
'Canadians'?"

God says, "Not really, wait until you meet their neighbours!"

********************

Two Dogs
--------
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a 
couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.

"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt 
his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.

"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they screw
you every time!"

********************

Why Cats Are Better Than Men
----------------------------
- A CAT always hits the litterbox.
- Better chance of training a CAT.
- No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don't have
to pretend you like it.
- You never have to spend time with your CAT's mother.
- If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.
- A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.
- You can de-claw a CAT... try to get a guy to clip his toenails.
- It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.
- You don't have to worry about your CAT turn into a pig when you
host a party.
- A CAT knows you're the key to his happiness... a man thinks 
he is.
- If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will 
satisfy him.

********************

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother 
decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. 

She said "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to

just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a 
letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."

After a temper tantrum, his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat
down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus, 
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. 
Your Friend, 
Leroy. 

Unfortunately, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he
was (a brat). So he ripped up that letter and decided to give it
another 
try...

Dear Jesus, 
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. 
Yours truly, 
Leroy. 

Later, Leroy realized that this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up
also. The next one read as follows: 

Dear Jesus, 
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?
Leroy 

Then Leroy looked deep down into his heart, which was what his mother 
really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of 
nothing. He crumpled up the last letter, threw it in the trash and
went 
running outside. He aimlessly wandered about, depressed because of the

way he treated his parents. He finally found himself in front of a 
Catholic church. Leroy went inside and knelt down, not knowing what he

should do. 

Finally, he got up and began to walk out, looking at all the statues on

the way. All of a sudden, he grabbed a small one and ran. He went 
home, hid the statue under his bed and wrote this letter:

Jesus, 
I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.

You know who.

********************

Something nice...
-----------------
Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who
lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for
Uncle Charlie and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he
got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some
incidental expense.

But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally
called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for
Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo."

********************

Top 10 Signs Your Child Has Grown Too Old For Breast feeding (Thanks
Sally)
10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos."
1. Beard abrasions on areola.

********************

"The lack of money is the root of all evil."
-- Mark Twain

"Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank
her for it."
-- W. C. Fields

"Absurdly improbable things happen in real life as well as in weak
literature."
-- Unknown

********************

"PROCRASINATOR'S CREED"

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done
already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find
excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the
amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of
the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to
change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or
write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the
task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior
to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is
wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the
Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized

********************

Passover is approaching. At the sedar table, every Jewish child will be
retold the story of Moses and the Pharaoh, and how God brought boils,
locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in spite of
this overwhelming evidence of God's intentions, Pharaoh refused to let the
Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born children was
inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes. Only
after this tragedy did the Pharaoh relent and let the Jews leave slavery
and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land.
This has been known for generations. What has not been known is why the
Pharaoh, in the face of such overwhelming evidence would refuse to release
the Jews after the first nine plagues. It took eight years of research by
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the renowned psychologist and nurse, to find the
definitive answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years studying the Dead Sea
Scrolls before discovering the answer. And once found, it was obvious ...
The Pharaoh was still in de Nile. 

********************

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form

Dear [____rejectee's name here_____],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was
exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself
also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file
should an opening become available. So that you may find better success
in
your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following
reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,
hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at
McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload"
indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than
my personality.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
yourself before you asked me one.
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then
you can't GET into my pants.
___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9-months
pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.
___ You failed the credit check.
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___ You still live with your parents.
___ You mention your ex-girlfriend's name more than you mention mine.
___ Three words: Size does matter.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]

********************

"He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the
money up front."
~ Milton Berle

"Oysters are supposed to enhance your sexual performance, but they don't
work for me. Maybe I put them on too soon."
~ Garry Shandling

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's
ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."
~ Ellen Degeneris

********************

An elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, when a
Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for
her.
"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF! The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.
"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF! The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young
princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.
"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother.
The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse
"woof."
"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
There, in front of the old woman, who was now turned into a beautiful
princess, stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. More
handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe,
completely smitten.
As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his
lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you had me
neutered."

********************

A lady was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray
pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates... "I know you haven't
been getting much lately...but I didn't know you were so worried about
it!"

********************

Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?

********************

Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you
ever get to feeling horny?"
"Yes," her friend replied.
"What do you do about it?"
"I usually suck on a Lifesaver."
After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do
you go to?"

********************

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his
face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told
him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well,
your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my
other sister called Moonchild?" The mother said, "We were watching the
moon landing while she was conceived." Mother Indian paused and asked her
son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

