Keys to Business Success
------------------------
1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People
with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading
for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like
they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their
hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure
you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the
false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks
like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal
e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without
doing
anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal
benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but
they're not bad either. 
When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best
defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software,
thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a
self-starter. 

Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss
scurry away like a frightened salamander.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the
rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge
piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's
work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them
high and wide. 
If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document
you'll
need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she
arrives.

4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People
don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing
-- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way
to live. 
Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice
mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during
lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though
you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of
screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there,
this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a
solution that doesn't involve you.

The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last
message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the
number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit
requently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages.
If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will
hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure
sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

***************************

A fly was hovering 6 inches above the lake. A trout thinks that if the 
fly drops 6 inches into the water, it can catch it. 
A bear thinks that if the fly drops 6 inches into the water and the 
trout come up to eat the fly, it can catch the trout. 
A hunter thinks that if the fly drops 6 inches into the water and the  trout
come up to eat the fly and the bear is busy catching the trout, he can
shoot the bear.
A mouse thinks that if the fly drops 6 inches into the water and the  trout
come up to eat the fly and the bear is busy catching the trout and the
hunter is busy shooting the bear, it can steal the hunter's food.
A cat thinks that if the fly drops 6 inches into the water and the trout
come up to eat the fly and the bear is busy catching the trout and the
hunter is busy shooting the bear and the mouse is busy stealing the
hunter's food, it can catch the mouse.

At that moment, the fly dropped 6 inches into the water, the trout ate 
the fly, the bear caught the trout, the hunter shot the bear, the mouse 
stole the hunter's food, and the cat jumped on the mouse. 
Unfortunately, the momentum carried the cat into the lake.

The moral of the story is ....

If your fly drops 6 inches, what you get is a wet pussy 

***************************

Two gorgeous babes were engaged in a conversation as they entered an 
elevator in a large office building.
One of them said loudly, "Of course my ultimate fantasy has always
been to have two men at once." There was complete silence as
every passenger in the elevator slowly turned to look at her.
She then laughed and continued...
"One to do the cooking and the other to do the cleaning."

***************************

A professional carpet-layer stepped back to admire his customary
flawless work. While surveying the installed carpet, he reached into  his
shirt pocket for a cigarette, and realized the pack was missing. At the
same time, he noticed a lump under the carpet in the middle of the room, 
about the size of the missing cigarette pack.

Frustrated with his carelessness, the carpet-layer realized he was in a
predicament because there was no way to retrieve his cigarette pack
from under the attached carpet without ripping everything up and 
starting over. Finally, he decided to beat the object flat, thereby 
destroying any evidence of his mistake.

Satisfied with the outcome, he picked up his tools and began loading his 
truck. He couldn't believe his eyes: On the seat of his truck was the 
mislaid pack of cigarettes! At that moment, the homeowner's voice broke 
in saying, "Hey, have you seen my son's gerbil?"

***************************

Collections
-----------
A catholic priest, a protestant minister and a rabbi were discussing
how to handle the contributions to the church.

The priest says; I take a piece of chalk, draw a circle, throw the money
up and whatever land in the circle is God's, and the rest is mine.

The minister says: I draw a line, throw up the money and whatever lands
on the far side is God's, and what lands on my side is mine.

The rabbi says: I throw up the money and whatever God wants he takes -
and what comes back down is mine.

***************************

Relatives
---------
Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken
quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the
groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of
Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you`re going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting
his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your
stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I`m not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I`m afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she`s a humble
spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are
married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my
brother-in-law."

***************************

Problems
--------
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause

Ever notice how all of womens problems start with men?

***************************

Change of pace
--------------
The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the
Sarge announces, "I've got good news and bad news. First the good news.
Today we're going to change our underwear."

The troops start cheering wildly. 

"Now the bad news," continues the Sarge. "Smith, you change
with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy..."

***************************

A sailor has sex with a Hong Kong hooker and a week later he goes to a 
doctor because his penis has turned yellow, purple and green. The 
doctor takes a look and says, "Well, it's pretty bad. We'll have to 
amputate."
"No way!", says the sailor. He runs out and thinks, "Hmm... Chinese 
girl - Chinese doctor."
So, he goes to Chinatown and finds a Chinese herbalist. The herbalist 
takes a look. The sailor says, "Hey doc, the previous doctor said he'd 
have to amputate."
Chinese herbalist says, "American doctors, always cut, cut, cut.. . 
Two - three days - it fall off by itself!"

***************************

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe 
problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions 
but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. 
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are 
having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting 
somewhere and he said, "Well, that's very interesting, we must look 
into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your 
husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did 
it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at me."

***************************

Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the 
outskirts of their small town and start necking. After awhile the guy 
abruptly stops. "You know we've been doing this for weeks now and I 
think it's time we had intercourse," he pleads.
"Well, maybe," she says, "But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. 
Besides, all those people in the field may hear us."
The boy pauses and then says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts start 
making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good, start singing. 
That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing!"
The girl agrees, so the two hastily take off their clothes and get 
down to business.
Ten minutes later, people watching the game hear sounds echoing 
through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing.
"Mooooooooo ..... Moooooooo ...... Moooooon River .......!"

***************************

In a classroom pupils were asked to always write in silence. One day 
the teacher dozed off and was awakened by some of the pupils making 
noise. To cover her embarrassment she said, "It was always my wish to 
meet the scholar Plato and, a while ago, I did see him in my dream."
The next day a pupil dozed off while listening to the teacher's long 
lecture. Upon seeing the sleeping child, the teacher woke him up and 
rebuked him. "Why are you sleeping during the lecture?" The pupil 
answered, "I also went to see the scholar Plato." The teacher asked, 
"And what did Plato say?", to which the pupil replied, "Plato said he 
did not meet with you yesterday."

***************************

A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he
did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go
ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and
said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half head of
lettuce."
As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing
right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager
called on the boy and said,  "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, 
but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You
think on your feet and we like that around here.
Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "New Zealand sir".
"You're joking ! Why did you leave New Zealand?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and rugby players over there."
"My wife is from New Zealand!!"
The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

