My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. 
Then I noticed women were coming up to me, they'd sniff, exclaim,
"Married!", and walk off. 
So, gents, that's how they mark their territory! You can take off that
ring, but it's hard to get that "April fresh scent" out of your clothes.
The wicked at heart probably know something.
--Woody Allen

The very first blood bank was opened in 1940 by American surgeon Richard
Charles Drew, a man who couldn't contribute blood because he was black.
Any solution to a problem changes the problem.
--R. W. Johnson

It is one of man's curious idiosyncrasies to create difficulties for the
pleasure of resolving them.
--Joseph de Maistre


"If you think nobody cares, miss a couple of payments."
-- Unknown

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"It's a funny old world, a man's lucky if he can get out of it alive."
- W.C. Fields (1879-1946)

******************************

Laws of life...
Lewis' Law:
No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it,
it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

******************************

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were 
sittingat the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to 
his wife, "Just think honey, we've been married for 50 years." 

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting at 
this breakfast table together." 

" I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years ago." 

"Well," Granny snockered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" 

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples 
are just as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." 

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied gramps. "One's in your coffee and the 
other is in your oatmeal!!!" 

******************************

Ted goes into work on Monday and his boss stops him and says "Hey Ted, 
how'd you get that black eye?", Ted shakes his head and says "I don't 
want to talk about it." His boss assumes he got into a bar fight and 
says that he should really watch his off work behavior. Ted realizes 
that his boss has misunderstood and gives in. 

"Well," Ted says, "I was at church yesterday, sitting there minding my 
own business when the song leader gives out the hymn number and asks the 
congregation to stand and sing. 

I was minding my own business when all of a sudden I noticed a rather 
large woman in front of me singing and her skirt was, how shall we say 
it 'tucked-in' between her, um, well, her 'cheeks'." 

Ted's boss says, "That still doesn't explain how you got the black eye?" 

Ted says, "Hold on, I'm not finished. I'm looking at her and thinking 
that must be so uncomfortable. So, being a helpful guy I give her skirt 
a little tug. She turns around and decks me." 

Ted's boss says "I'll bet you never do that again." 

A week passes by. 

Monday morning Ted comes in with his other eye blackened and his boss 
says "So Ted, you didn't learn a lesson last week? Did you pull her 
skirt out again?" Ted shakes his head no and says "I don't want to talk 
about it." Again his boss presses him and Ted gives in. "Okay, I'm back 
at church and again the song leader gives out the hymn and asks us to 
rise. I notice that the same large woman is sitting in front of me and 
again today she has the same problem." 

Ted's boss says, "You didn't learn your lesson from last week? You 
pulled out her dress again?" 

Ted shakes his head, "No, I learned my lesson, it was the guy next to me 
- he pulled out her dress, but I knew she didn't like it so I tucked it 
back in." 

******************************

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan
when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same
ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow
out our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn
over
and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly
sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the
safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they were going to
get
away and told the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before
they reach the shore".
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow
him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I
absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".

******************************

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their 
diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but 
eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put
them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman
gain five pounds.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I
am so far behind, I will live forever.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right
place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm
doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your 
body and your fat are really good friends.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you
stop laughing.

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

WOMEN: Remember, as we get older we no longer have hot flushes. We now
have power surges.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it
shrinks two sizes.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

Age is important only if you're cheese.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is
expecting a baby.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can
usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate.

Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards??

Seen it all, done it all, but can't remember most of it.

***************************

DOG PROPERTY LAWS

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they
never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but
there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:

10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.

LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get
what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel
by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the
crotch is most effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as
soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

***************************

The World's Easiest Quiz? 

(Answers at the bottom. Hey - NO Cheating!) 

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 

2) Which country makes Panama hats? 

3) From which animal do we get catgut? 

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 

7) What was King George VI's first name? 

8) What color is a purple finch? 

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 

10) How long did the Thirty Years War last? 


(Scroll Down) 





Answers To The Quiz 

1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453. 

2) Ecuador. 

3) From sheep and horses. 

4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours. 

5) Squirrel fur. 

6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs. 

7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish 
of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert. 

8) Distinctively crimson. 

9) New Zealand. 

10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648. 


