A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk along a country
lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desire
rises to a peak.

His is just about to get frisky when she says "I
hope you don't mind but I really do need to have a piss".
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why don't you go
behind this hedge".She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her
voluptuous body and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain
his animal thoughts a moment longer he reaches through a gap in the
foliage, his hand touching her leg.
He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with
great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging
between her legs. He shouts in horror "My God Mary have you changed
your sex!". "No" she replies", "I've changed my mind, I'm having a Shit instead".

********************************
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the New South African
edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside South
Africa. If you have one of the New South African editions you may need
some help understanding the commands. The New South African edition may
be recognised by looking at the opening screen. It reads "E WINDOWS 98"
with a background picture of a Mageu bottle superimposed on a Orlando
Pirates flag. It is shipped with a Black Label screen saver.

New Features:
OK = samblief
cancel = Aikona
Undo = auk! mistake!
Redo = aikona, not mistake!
Save = Ekke ek bere hom
find = Ekke ek soek hom
delete = Is not brooken, is lost!!!!!
delete #2 = I em soo sorrrry!
delete #3 = Is apartheid's fault!!!!!!!
help = ah dunno
start = stat
settings = (pre-set on this edition)
run = hamba
personal folder = my thieengs
Shut Down = Chaila

Some programs that are exclusive to "E Windows 98"
MS Werd = a word processor
calculata = calculator
scretch peppa = notepad
Jive Box = CD player
I Explora = Microsoft Internet Explorer
piktchas = a graphics viewer
Stockvel = M/S accounting software
Shebeen = Shortcut to a website with a list of local off-sales and
their prices.
Black Label tax records = usually an empty file
Fafi = game replacing Solitaire

Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labelled Dustbin
Control Panel is known as 'Don' touch dees buttons!'

We regret any inconvenience it may cause if you received a copy of the
New South African edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a
replacement version.

*********************************

On the same day, the Pope and Bill Clinton died. There was a major 
screw up. By accident, Bill Clinton was sent to heaven, while the Pope 
was sent to hell.

IN HELL:
The Pope: Excuse me Satan, there must be a great deal of confusion. I 
have lived my life as a servant of the Lord. There must be a slight 
misunderstanding. I should be in heaven with God.
Satan: I can't believe they messed up again. There's no way you belong 
here. I'll contact heaven, but it's going to take 24 hours before we 
can fix it.
The Pope: Worry not, my son.

24 hours later:
Satan: Once again, we're sorry. You can leave now. Just make sure you 
tell Clinton to come here.
The Pope: Sure thing.
On the way to heaven, the Pope meets up with Clinton, half-way.
The Pope: There was a mix up. You have to meet with your destiny. I, 
being highly religious, would take the fall for you. But my final 
dream is to meet the Virgin Mary.
Bill Clinton: Thanks for the sympathy, but you're a day late.

*********************************

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned 
bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were 
blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, 
and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny 
tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about 
quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't 
mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see 
where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even 
know what I am."
"Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same 
as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my 
mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and 
figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're 
covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose 
twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a 
bunny."
"Oh, thank you! thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. 
"Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've 
helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly 
and slimy, and you have a forked tongue and no balls. I'd say you must 
be a lawyer."

*********************************

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly 
started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, 
the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you 
doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you 
were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help 
practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work 
for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

*********************************

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable 
words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the 
children examples of words with more than one syllable.
"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"
"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."
"Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon......day"
"Does anyone know another word."
"I do, I do, me me me" replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
"OK Mike, what is your word."
"Saturday." says Mike.
"Great, that has three syllables..."
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word, 
pick me....."
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher 
reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow,
Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful"
"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two 
syllables."

*********************************

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage 
direction. In my script it clearly said "Enter Juliette from the 
rear".

*********************************

Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams 
past them. One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast 
that thing was moving?"
The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three 
assholes and they were all on fire!"

*********************************

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm.
The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The
passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and 
they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman 
jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit 
here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to 
die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough 
to make me feel like a woman?" She sees a hand raise in the back, and a 
handsome, tall, muscular man smiles and starts to walk up to her seat.
As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles 
even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, 
shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before 
you die. Are you interested?" She eagerly nods her head "yes!"
As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."

***********************************

The man's guide to what a woman really wants when she says...

"We need" = "I want"
"It's your decision " = "The correct decision should be obvious by 
"Do what you want" = "You'll pay for this later."
"We need to talk" = "I need to complain"
"I'm not upset" = "Of course I'm upset, you moron!"
"You're so... manly" = "You need a shave and you sweat a lot."
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = "I want a new house."
"I need wedding shoes" = "the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white."
"I heard a noise" = "I noticed you were almost asleep."
"Do you love me?" = "I'm going to ask for something expensive."
"How much do you love me?" = "I did something today you're really not
going to like."
"I'll be ready in a minute " = "Kick off your shoes and find a good game 
on T.V."
"Is my butt fat?" = "Tell me I'm beautiful."
"You have to learn to communicate." = "Just agree with me."
"Are you listening to me!? " = "Too late, you're dead."
"Do you like this recipe?" = "It's easy to cook, so you'd better get
used to it."
"I'm not yelling!" = "Yes I am yelling because I think this is
important."

***********************************

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a
hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached
his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage. The mama
mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell
pancakes." The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but
couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only 
thing I can smell is molasses."

**********************************

Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other. 
The first kid leaned over and asked, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and
I'm a little nervous."
The first kid said, "You've got nothing to worry about. I 
had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you 
wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a 
piece of cake!"
The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"
The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."
The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. 
I couldn't walk for a year!"

**********************************

A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a specialist in
circumcision. Throughout his career, he had saved the foreskins of his
patients in specimen jars as momentos, and now wished to fashion them
into a souvenir.
So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leathersmith, and asked him
to craft an article of fine artistic quality. "I'll see what I can do,"
said the artisan, "Check back with me in one week."
The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent article
the leathersmith had made for him. The leathersmith presented him a wallet.
"All those foreskins and you only make me a wallet?" exclaimed the surgeon.
The leathersmith replied "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."

**********************************

Little Amanpreet was excited about his first day at school. So excited in
fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he
desperately needed to go to the bathroom. 
So Amanpreet raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of
course the teacher said yes, but asked him to be quick.
Five minutes later Amanpreet returned, looking more desperate and
embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.
The teacher sat Amanpreet down and drew him a little diagram to where he
should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Amanpreet
looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way. 
Five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher
"I can't find it".
Frustrated, the teacher asked Jon, a boy who has been at the school for
awhile, to help him find the bathroom.
So Jon and Amanpreet go together and five minutes later they both return
and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Jon, "Well, did you find it?"
Jon is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on
backwards"










