From: BobR754@aol.com

BOY, WAS MY FACE RED!!
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(from Woman's World - various issues)

I was taking a shower when my two-year-old son came into the
bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.
Although he made a mess, he looked
adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots.

They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with
each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the
picture, laughing hysterically, and suggested I take a closer look at it.

Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in
addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing
nothing but a camera! This is one holiday greeting my family will
never forget! (D.D. Duluth, Minnesota)

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I needed to go grocery shopping and run some errands, so I took my
preschooler with me. I gave him a lollipop to keep him occupied for
a while but by the time we got to the market, he didn't have it any
more. Assuming hed dropped it, I didn't think about it again.
We finished grocery shopping and continued on our way.

I noticed people giving me strange smiles all day, but I didn't put
two and two together until I got home. that's when, as I put away the
groceries, I ran my fingers through my hair - and discovered the missing
lollipop stuck firmly to my head!

Boy, was I embarrassed thinking about how many people
had seen me that way! (R.S. Baltimore MD)

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I had just finished taking a shower when I realized I didn't have a
clean towel. Heading to the laundry room, I suddenly stopped in my tracks
as I passed through the living room. Seeing my sister at the front door
receiving a pizza delivery. I quickly backed into the hallway.

Unfortunately for me, my feet were wet and I ended up slipping and
falling flat on my face. My sister and the pizza delivery guy turned
to look at me, stunned while I quickly scrambled into the other room.
but I was mortified -- and now I make sure I have towels nearby
BEFORE I get in the shower!

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I had been having trouble with my cable TV, so I was fed up when one
day, I turned on the set and again found it wasn't working. Furious, I
called the cable company and chewed them out, demanding
they send someone to fix the problem once and for all.

When the technician arrived, he checked the cable hookups while I
waited impatiently in the kitchen. Finally, he told me hed found the
problem. Its about time! I replied. Whats wrong now?
Your TV was unplugged! he said.
Now I make sure my appliances are plugged in,
before I start complaining! (LF Riverside, NJ)

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My friend and I were at a concert, and I needed to use the ladies
room. As we made our way across the busy lobby, I saw an opening
in the crowd. I grabbed my friends hand so we wouldnt get
separated and sped through the masses of people.
Id almost made it to the ladies room when I heard someone yell
above the noise, Excuse me, I think you have the wrong hand!
I turned and was shocked to see I was holding a strange mans hand!
Totally embarrassed, I apologized and made my way back to
my friend, who was still where Id left her.
Now I look closely before I grab anything. (RN Durham, NC)

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I work at a car-rental agency, and one day, I was training a new
agent. One of the first things I teach is the profile of an undesirable
renter: someone who looks suspicious or unkempt or is wearing
dirty or torn clothing.
As I was stressing this to her, I looked up and saw a shady-looking
man holding a brown paper bag headed our way.
Seizing the opportunity, I said brightly, Look at that man. Hes a
perfect example of the kind of person we dont want to rent to.
The woman gave me an icy look and replied,
That happens to be my husband!
Now I keep all real-life examples to myself.

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the Lonely Frog
---------------
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his
future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a
beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great!

"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

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Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler
---------------------------------
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone
by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found
that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose
12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to
fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the
dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The
red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. 
(Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish
should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour
a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The
following morning you can create the effects of hangover by
drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your
head repeatedly on the wall.

---
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a 
couple of payments.

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Cars R us
---------
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls 
Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at 
the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in there?"

The guy in the Rolls says "Yes, of course I do." 

"I got one too... see?"

"Uh huh, yes, that's very nice."

Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!"

"Uh-huh."

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the 
Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?"

And the guy in the Rolls says "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!"

The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, 
the guy in the Rolls is not about to be out done, so he goes 
immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a 
double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job 
is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over 
town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked 
alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The 
windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little 
awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls 
and taps on the foggy window of the Granada.

The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and 
peeks out and the guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"

"Yeah, Yeah, I remember you. What's up?"

"Check this out I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER 
TO TELL ME THAT!"

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Rise and shine!!!
-----------------
An elderly gentleman checked into a New York hotel. The 
clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made 
available for calling guests who wished to rise at an 
early hour.

"No need for that, young man," snapped the old timer. 
"I always wake up at five A.M. sharp - without an alarm 
clock."

"Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would 
you mind calling me at six?"

****************************

Cookin'
-------
Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their 
conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a 
cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do 
anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same 
way - 'Take a clean dish and...'"

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Paying Up
---------
A guy and his date were parked on a back road some 
distance from town, making out.

As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped 
the guy and said, "I really should have mentioned this 
earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for
sex."

The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with 
their business.

After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat 
back in the driver's seat and stared out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm 
actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."


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