****************************


A young man wanted to buy a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as 
they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he
decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note...romantic, but
not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and
bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister bought a pair of
panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items
and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without
checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it off to his
sweetheart along with this note:

Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the
habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been
for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but
she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate color, but the lady I bought them from showed me
the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were
hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, and no doubt
other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to
see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just
think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,

Chris

PS The latest style in to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing.

****************************
Election Facts:

It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts. Here's the
scoop on the three leading candidates.

Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults with astrologists.
He's had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis
a day.

Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used
opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.

Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't
smoke,drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs.

Which is your choice?





Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

Kind of Scary..

FYI--I had no idea what a ward heeler was, but it's a follower of a
political boss, who distributes literature, asks for votes, etc.

****************************

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted
a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant 
to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very
frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the
blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I
can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out
and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed
for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day,
the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing
waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot
alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it
on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead
creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde
flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it,
this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

****************************

Do you travel a lot for your company? Here are some actual stories, told 
by travel agents, about your fellow travelers:

I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. 
When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer
became very irate and insisted, "I know it is real, I see them check in 
every week!"

Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair 
wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going
cver all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to 
explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she 
interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, 
but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like 
the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, 
Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me 
various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had her 
fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, 
Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and 
that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what
was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an 
ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando 
is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. 
I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that
her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8.33am.
I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she 
could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told 
her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a
commuter plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about
passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been
to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double
checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him
this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they
have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to
Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words.
Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some
searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked
up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus
anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone
knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of
the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, 
do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

****************************

A Gorrila walks into a bar...
-----------------------------
A gorilla walks into a bar. The bartender comes 
up to him and asks him what he wants. 'A scotch 
on the rocks, please.' 
He then lays a 10 dollar bill on the bar. The 
bartender takes the money and goes to fix his 
drink. He thinks to himself, 'Hey, this is a 
gorilla, he doesn't know about the prices of 
drinks.' and takes 15 cents back. 
He sets the drink and the money on the bar. 
Another bartender asks the first bartender about 
the gorilla and he says: 'Yeah, he's nice. Go 
talk to him.'
The second bartender goes to the gorilla and 
strikes up a conversation. 'Hey there. Ya know, 
we don't get too many gorillas in here.'
'Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back.'

****************************

Rejected Hallmark Cards
-----------------------
1) So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day
Look at the bright side,
She's a really good lay!

2) My tire was thumping
I thought it was flat
when I loooked at the tire
I noticed your cat Sorry!

3) You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

40) You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a luagh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff!

5) Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I ad mine
I got real snippy!

6) Heard your wife left you
How upset you must be
But don't fret about it
She moved in with me!

7) Your computer is dead
it was once so alive,
Don't you regret installing
Windows '95?

8) You totaled your car
and can't remember why
could it have been
that case of Bud Dry?

****************************

Did you hear about the theft at the Viagra factory?

The police are looking for some hardened crimminals!

****************************

YEAAARGH!
---------
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the 
manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and 
bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. 

"Ouch, Jesus Christ!" he blurted out loud. 

Joseph said, "Write that one down, Mary, it's better than 
Walter."

****************************

Who's best?
-----------
The Italian and the Polish parachutists were arguing about 
who was best at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve 
their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in the 
plane and judge by the mid-air performance of their chutes.

The Pole jumped first, pulled the cord, and started 
floating toward the earth. The Italian jumped, pulled the 
cord - and nothing happened. He pulled the safety cord - 
nothing. In a matter of seconds he whizzed past the Pole, 
plummeting like a stone.

"Oh," shouted the Pole, yanking off his harness, "so ya 
wanna race!"
