
Financial Worries
=--=
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an
accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very
nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly,
I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have
to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the
money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a
small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

****************************

Three Things You Need To Survive
=--=
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival
in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring
with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were
suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you
would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water,
and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right
direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master
impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone
is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine
on top of that black ten!"

****************************

Princess Ryubet
=--=
A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he
comes closer, the frog starts to talk. 'Kiss me and I will turn into a
princess.' The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.

The frog starts shouting, 'Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess.
Just kiss me and I will be yours.' The guy takes the frog out of
his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.

The frog is really frustrated. 'I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me?
I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.'

The guy says, 'Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls.
But a talking frog is cool!'

****************************

Proud Dads
=--=
Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a
bathroom break. Three guys are left. The first guy says, "I was worried
that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a
local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a
salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact,
he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes
for his birthday."

The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he
started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they
made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real
estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best
friend a new house for his birthday."

The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping
floors in a brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just
gave HIS best friend a million in stock for his birthday."

The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that
they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm
embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as
a
hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I
just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to
look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes,
a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday."

****************************

"Kitchen Philosophy"

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this 
kitchen is delirious.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the 
dishes.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash 
and gives the impression he just cleaned the 
whole house.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and 
cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves
for they shall never cease to be amused.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out!

Housework done properly can kill you.

Countless number of people have eaten in this 
kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen --- just 
vending machines.

****************************

Unbreakable
=--=
A man walks into a glass shop, interested in buying an expensive 
art piece to keep as a family heirloom. One gorgeous glass art piece 
catches his eye under the banner "UNBREAKABLE". However, it has no 
price marked. 

"Pardon me," he says to the shopkeeper, "but what is the price on 
this piece marked "unbreakable"? 

"One hundred thousand dollars." replies the storekeeper. 

Gasping for his next breath, he inquired why the price should be 
so high. 

"Like the sign says, it's unbreakable!" To be sure, the man asked 
again if this item was indeed unbreakable. The owner again assured 
him it was so. The third time the man asked, the keeper was a bit 
terse and told him to buy the piece and see for himself that it would 
not break. 

The man greatly admired the piece, and so he paid the $100,000 and 
took it home, where it was put on display in a protective case. He 
had an occasion to visit the glass shop again the next month and told 
the storekeeper how much care he had taken to protect and preserve 
the beautiful piece. As he looks around, he sees one of the pieces 
he'd seen the month before, which was only $500, now sitting under
the "UNBREAKABLE" banner. 

"Excuse me, but how can that piece be unbreakable, too - it only 
costs $500, and last month was in the display cabinet mixed together
with these other pieces!" 

"No, it's one hundred thousand dollars - it's unbreakable, now, 
too." the storekeeper replied. 

"How can you be so sure?" he demands.

"Because the schmuck who pays 100 bills for that thing is going
to take as much care with *it* as you did with yours!" 

****************************
Lemons
=--=
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too
qualified for the job. 
"Look Miss," 
said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. 
"I've been divorced three times."

****************************

Ever wonder why?
=--=
How come you press harder on a remote-control 
when you know the battery is dead? 

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on 
money they already know you don't have? 

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical 
situations? 

You know how most packages say "Open here"... 
What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere 
else"? 

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck 
together? 

Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you 
ask them what time it is? 
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is? 

Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while 
you're waiting for an elevator presses the already lit "up" 
button -- as though he somehow has magical powers that 
you didn't when you pressed it the first time? 

****************************

New Rich
=--=
A Jewish couple won twenty million dollars in the lottery. They
immediately went out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent
mansion estate and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth
imaginable. They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best,
they traveled to London to hire one.

They found the perfect butler through an agency and brought him back to
the United States to their home. The day after his arrival, they
instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, that they were
inviting the Cohens to brunch. The couple then left the house to do some
shopping. 

When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the
butler why eight, when they specifically instructed him to set the table
for four. The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were
bringing the Bagels and the Bialys."

****************************

The Would-Be Salesman
=--=
John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not
much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer
wanted.

Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that
the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing. He ask John for their
best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough
syrup.

Remembering his boss' warning he sold the man a box of
Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did
as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp
post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John
what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough, but
I couldn't find the dang cough syrup. So, I substituted Ex-Lax
and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax?!! That won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will!" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the
lamp post. "Just look at him. He's afraid to cough."

****************************

Genie in the lamp
=--=
A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an
old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The
genie said "OK so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah, but
this is the fourth time this week and I'm getting a little sick of
these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish."
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always
wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too scared to fly and I get very
seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over
there?"
The genie laughed a replied, "That's impossible. Think of the
logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of
the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... How much steel!!! No
think of another wish."
The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. He said,
"I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said
I don't care and that I'm insensitive. I wish that I could understand
women. To know what they are thinking when they give me the silent
treatment, to know why they are crying, to know what they want when
they say "nothing"..."
The genie replies "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

****************************


