 CRIMINAL DARWIN AWARDS..........
 
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there
was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the
phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the
newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the
thief was arrested.

*************************

A true story out of San Francisco:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might
call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the
Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After
waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo  teller.
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not
the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit
slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the
man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the
police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line
back at Bank of America.

*************************

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that
contained another picture... of handcuffs.
The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

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Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in
Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The
prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge"
in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said
Christopher, who happed to be wearing the same jacket that day in
court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge
discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he
required a five minute recess to compose himself.

*************************

Detroit:

R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing
their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit
neighbourhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer
asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license,
they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested
Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted
for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

*************************

Colorado Springs:

A Guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded
all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in
a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the
counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as
well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are
over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to
give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber
took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over
21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the
store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave
the name and address of the robber that he got off the license..
They arrested the robber two hours later.

*************************

Another from Detroit:

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner
moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

*************************

Cigars and Insurance

A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very
expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and
without having made even his first premium payment on the policy,
the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the
 
man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires".
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The man sued.... and won.

In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was
frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the
company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and
also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining
what it considered to be "unacceptable fire", and was obligated to
pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal
process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid
the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires".
After the man cashed the check, however, the insurance company had
him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim
and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man
was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and
sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

*************************

Lazy???
-------
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he 
whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed
one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became
impatient. 

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to
call the manager." 

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who
turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of
his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the
manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but
with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. 

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All
right buddy, what's your name?" 

"Sam," the man moaned. 

"Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied
"the balcony."

*************************

Once upon a time.... ; )
------------------------
A bus filled with politicians was driving through the
countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver,
caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and
crashes into the ditch. 

A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes 
out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he 
buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the
man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police
officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know 
how politicians lie."

*************************

Life-signs
----------
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they
found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the 
lights off because they can't see each other using sign language. 

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the
wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we
agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to
have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If
you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one
time." 

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,
Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull
on penis one time." "If you don't want to have sex, reach over and
pull on my penis....fifty times."

*************************

Trouble ahead
-------------
During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the
Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed
inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew
quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die
laughing. 

The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if
I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the
table?" 

The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and
hammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge
explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and
the navigator. 

As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator,
"Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The navigator told
him how he hit his dick against the table. 

The captain replied, "Well, in the future you better be careful with
that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!"

*************************

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front 
porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I'm going to Las
Vegas." He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him "I 
just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for 
free."
He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and 
returned to the porch and his wife.
She said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
He replied, "I'm going, too."
"Why?" she asked.
He said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year."


A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how 
badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a 
magic lamp washing up on shore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a 
magical genie!!
The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As
a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes.
But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he
will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she
makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The
genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one
billion one dollar bills.
The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 
billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she
makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on 
the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but 
the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what 
she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of 
ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last
wish.
Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the
genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do
this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times
what she wishes for.
"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last
wish ... I'd like to give birth to twins."
