I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load
a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend
told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he
couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried
to type the "dot over dot thingie" he kept getting the "dot over comma
thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of
the key. 
When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius.

********************************************

---------------------------- --------------------------- 
Drug dealers 				IT-ers 
---------------------------- --------------------------- 
Refer to their clients 			Refer to their clients 
as "users". 				as "users". 

"The first one's free!" 		"Download a free trial 
						version..." 

Have important South-East 		Have important South-East 
Asian connections 			Asian connections 
(to help move the stuff). 		(to help debug the code). 

Strange jargon:		 		Strange jargon: 
"Stick" 					"SCSI" 
"Rock"					"RTFM" 
"Wrap" 					"Packet" 
"E" 						"C" 
"Stash" 					"Cache" 
"Drive by" 					"CTRL ALT DEL" 
"Hit (LSD)" 				"Hit (WWW)" 
"Source" 					"Source-code" 
"The Pigs" 					"Microsoft" 

Realize that there's 			Realize that there's 
tons of cash in the 			tons of cash in the 
14- to 25-year-old 			14- to 25-year-old 
market. 					market. 

Your clients really like your 	Your clients really like your 
stuff when it works.When it 		stuff when it works. When it 
doesn't work they want to kill 	doesn't work they want to kill 
you. 						you. 

Job is assisted by the 			Job is assisted by the 
industry producing 			industry producing 
newer, more potent product. 		newer, more potent products. 

Often seen in the company 		Often seen in the company of 
of pimps, hustlers 			marketing people, venture 
and lowlifes capitalists 		and fund
						managers. 

When things go wrong, a 		When things go wrong, a 
"fix" is just a phone call 		"fix" is just a phone call 
away but may be expensive 		away but may be expensive 

A lot of successful people 		A lot of successful people 
getting rich in this industry 	getting rich in this industry 
while still teen-agers 			while still teen-agers 

Their product causes 			DOOM. Quake. SimCity. 
unhealthy addictions. 			Duke Nukem 3D. 'Nuff said. 

Do your job well, and 			Damn! Damn! DAMN!!! 
you can sleep with 
sexy movie stars who 
depend on you. 

********************************************

1). Top Ten things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secret:

10) Does this come in children's sizes?
9) No thank's, just sniffing.
8) I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7) Mom will love this.
6) Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys log on it?
5) No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
4) Will you model this for me?
3) Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!
2) $45 bucks?!?! You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
1) The miracle What?? This is better than world peace!

********************************************

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening
to her son play with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard
the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get
the hell off now, because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches
who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving."
The mother went into the living room and told her son "We don't use that kind
of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come
down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."
Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came
out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and
the
mother heard, "All passengers disembarking the train, please remember to take
all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your
trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your
hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you
who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the
kitchen."

********************************************

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into
the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
"Passionate Embrace." Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely
contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother
excitedly....

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND.."
Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little
Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into
the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane
a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy.."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting
story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the
look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny
starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing,
laying down on the seat, and...."then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same
thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

********************************************

A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the 
local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He 
decided to seek compensation for his ailment. 

Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is 
interviewed by an assessor.

Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish 
to claim compensation. 

Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. 

Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to 
protect you from radiation poisoning? 

Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. 

Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? 

Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined. 

Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept? 

Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. 

Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead 
suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept 
in a lead container. 

Trucker: Yeah, that's right. All lead. 

Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for 
radiation poisoning. 

Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.

********************************************

An old sailing ship is becalmed at sea with a full complement of 
sailors. They are stuck there for days and days with nothing to do. 

One morning the captain decides he is going to lay on some 
entertainment for the men. 

He orders a barrel to be placed on the top deck. It has an 
orifice in the side and he invites each one of the men to "take 
the pleasures" of the barrel to their heart's content. Soon a full-
fledged hedonistic orgy is underway. 

The men are cheerful once again and morale is boosted. Things 
reach such a frenzy that even the captain's dog has a go. Once 
the party is over and the barrel is full of the team's spirit, it is 
bunged up and thrown overboard. The ship sails away. 

A few days later the barrel comes ashore on the beach of a 
deserted island in the middle of nowhere. The only inhabitants 
of the island are the nuns who have founded their convent there. 
The nuns find the barrel and open it. They don't recognize the 
contents and take it to be wax, from which they fashion candles. 

Of course, nuns being nuns, they use the candles in the way 
only nuns can. 

Nine months later an inordinate number of babies appear 
inexplicably on the island. One of the nuns is very guilty about 
her sins and approaches the Mother Superior for confession. 

"Forgive me, Mother. I have had a baby." 

The Mother Superior says, "That's nothing, my child. I've had puppies."

********************************************

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: What three two-letter words denote "small"?
A: "Is it in?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off you when you die.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new 
car.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honor.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: Moms have Mothers Day, fathers have Fathers Day. What do Single
guys have?
A: Palm Sunday
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A: They have shaky hands!

********************************************

You know you work in corporate America in the 90's if ...

 1. You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three 
different companies.
 2. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
 3. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
 4. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best 
     jokes.
 5. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
 6. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all 
     the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
 7. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
 8. It's dark when you drive to and from work.
 9. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
10. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
11. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
12. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
13. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
14. You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh 
      wow, thanks!"
15. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
16. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in 
      your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity 
      for you."
17. Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you 
      get every January.
18. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with 
      computers."
19. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures 
      are hanging in your cube.
20. You read this entire list and understood it.

********************************************

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his 
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, 
combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your 
husband will surely die:
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure 
he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take 
to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. 
Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.
"Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress 
worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie 
and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type 
of team sporting event on television.
"And, most importantly make love with your husband several times a 
week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 
months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health 
completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor 
say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.

********************************************



