What NOT to say to a cop
 I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
 Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged 
in.
 Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
 Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
 I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a 
police officer.
 I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school 
instead.
 You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
 Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
 Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?
 Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's 
night stand.
 Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work

at McDonalds.
 I pay your salary.
 So uh, you on the take or what?
 Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a 
warning.
 Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 
 I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no 
other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
 What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained 
specialist.
 Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
 Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
 Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell 
off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, 
forcing me to speed out of control.

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FASCINATE
The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a 
sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New Your City Zoo, and we 
saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was 
good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia 
Zoo and saw the animals. I was Fascinated." The teacher said, "good, 
but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was 
noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he 
could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs 
are so big she can only "fasten 8."

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WAITING FOR OPERATION
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's 
laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over 
her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the 
operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, 
while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man 
wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts 
examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away 
and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, 
lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does 
the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All 
these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to 
start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea.
We're just painting the corridor."

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HOLMES & WATSON
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.
They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.
Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What 
does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means some bastard has stolen our tent."

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PERFECT SHOT
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, 
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and 
speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated 
partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. 
I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man. You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of 
hitting her from here!"

****************************

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, 
doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.
As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and 
said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a 
hooker and I charge $20 for sex."
The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.
After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the 
driver's seat and stared out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi 
driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

****************************

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird 
section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and 
asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in 
dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk 
does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the 
hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis look 
loike a Grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," 
replies Paddy. They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I 
git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders 
and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge 
and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As 
Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, 
"Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me!!"
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he 
walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of 
the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is 
carrying a gun. "Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches 
himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, 
Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT as he joins Gerry's 
remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat 
Parrotshooting neither!"

****************************

Little Johnny and his mother's occupation
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did 
for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another 
said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he 
stood up and said "My mom's a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's 
office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.
So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in 
class?"
Johnny said "Yes"
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple 
and asked for my phone number."

*************************************

There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy. One day, she 
went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating 
dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they 
were walking they came upon the 2 horses that were mating. She looks 
at them with wonder because she's never seen anything like this before 
so she asks the boy,
"What are they doing?"
He says "They're making love."
"Well, what's that long thing his sticking in there?" She ask.
"Oh, uh, that's his rope" he answered.
"Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she ask.
He says "Those are his knots"
She says, "Oh, Ok I got it."
As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She 
looks at him and says, "I want you to make love to me the way those 
animals were."
Surprised and excited, the boy agrees. While they're getting at all 
hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes.
"Whoa, what are you doing?" he shouts.
The girl innocently (??) replies,
"I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope."

****************************************

A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs 
back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bar are 
cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"
Everyone is understandably silent.
He then chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other 
side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" 
Everyone is silent, again.
Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the 
man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
"No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

****************************************

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was
increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and
love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came
across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your
headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a
very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the
base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only
way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked
and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. 

He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no
choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was
clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of imself. As he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life. 

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a 
new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new
suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see. . .size 44
long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe
tried on the suit.

It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman 
asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, 
"Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see,... 34 sleeve and
. . . 16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you 
know?" "It's my job." 

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar
in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a
roll and said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's
see...9 and a half wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you
know?" 
"It's my job." 

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without
hesitating, Joe said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said,
"Let's see. . . 7 5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you
know?" "It's my job." 

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure .
. " 

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 
36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The
salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34. It would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache!"











