
Humor.....Jewish....

A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. The 
rabbi is accompanying him. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have 
distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the 
crumbs?" "Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and 
then they make bread of them again and send it to us." "Ah. So what 
about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?" 
"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them 
and send them to us." "And what about circumcision? What do you do 
with those leftover pieces?" The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send 
them to the city as well." "To the city!? And what do they send to 
you?" "Today, they have sent *you* to us."

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How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

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Humor....Shortie...

"My professional and my personal lives have become way too 
intertwined.", the stewardess told her fellow stew. "Last night my 
husband nudged me awake, and began to make love. Without giving it a 
thought, I said, 'Welcome Aboard'."

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Humor.....Generation Gap...

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man sat next to
him. The young man had green, orange, & yellow spiked hair. He had several
earrings and some black makeup around his eyes. The old man stared at 
him. The young man said, "What's the matter, old man? Haven't you ever done 
anything crazy before?" The old man answered, "Well, yes, actually, I have. You 
see, I once got really drunk & had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if 
you were my son."

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Humor....Kids...

One day, in a kindergarten class a little boy asked the teacher if he 
could go to the bathroom. The class was in the middle of something so 
the teacher said no. The little boy had to go so bad that he went into 
a dark corner of the room and pooped in his hand. Ashamed of what he 
had done, he cupped his hands together so no one could see what he had 
in his hands. The teacher noticed this and asked the boy, "What do you 
have in your hand?" The child replied, "A little birdie." To this the 
teacher demanded, Let me see him." "No, you'll scare him!" said the 
little boy. So she sent him through the ranks of the school, each 
school official demanding to see the "birdie" and each time with the 
same reply until he reached the principal....3who tried the same old 
*demanding to see.* When that of course, didn't work, he devised a new 
plan......just to scare the child into letting him see the birdie he 
said, "Now if you don't let me see the birdie I'll have to call the 
police." Obviously frightened by this notion the kid opened his hands 
and replied, "See, you scared the shit out of him!"

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Humor....Dinner

A man bought a live chicken to slaughter himself. He was passing a 
movie when he decided to go see the show, stuffing the chicken in his 
pants. Midway through the show, the chicken gets restless, so the guy 
opens his zipper. The woman to his right starts nudging her 
friend...'Did you see what that guy has sticking out of his pants?' 
Her friend says 'Big deal, seen one, seen 'em all.' NO, this one is 
eating my popcorn!

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Humor....Marriage Partners...

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his 
wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over 
and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment 
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over 
and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps 
his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a 
dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

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Humor.....Hero...

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved 
another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the 
director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. 
Mr. James, you records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're 
ready to go home." he said. "I'm only sorry that the man you saved 
later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill 
himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

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Humor.....Old Bill Again....

Hillary dies and goes to Heaven, where she meets St. Peter. She 
notices that there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are 
there so many clocks. St. Peter tells her that each clock represents 
a person on earth and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock 
ticks off one second. St. Peter explains that the one clock has never 
moved because it belonged to mother Theresa and she never told a lie 
in her whole life. The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and 
since he only told two lies in his whole life, only two seconds had 
clicked. Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock?" St. Peter says, 
"Bill's clock is upstairs in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling 
fan."

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Humor.....Grief....

The beautiful eighteen-year-old girl sobbed hysterically at the 
funeral service of her seventy-five-year-old husband. She confided in 
a friend, "We had such a happy marriage for the three months it 
lasted. Every Sunday morning he would make loveto me, keeping time 
with the rhythm of the church bells." She sobbed again, then added, 
"If that fire engine hadn't clanged by, he'd be alive today."

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Tee-ing off with a hitman 
-------------------------


There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. One
Saturday they are getting ready to tee off when a guy asks them if he
can join them. The friends looked at each other and then look at the
man and say, "Sure." 

So they tee off. About two holes into the game, the friends got
curious about what the man did for a living so they asked him. The
stranger told them that he was a hitman. They kinda laughed. The man
said, "No, really! I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it
everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like." So one of the guys
decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this
rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. 

He said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The
stranger said, "Sure." So the man looked for a second and said, "YEAH!
I can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my
wife, naked. WAIT! There's my next door neighbor, Chad! He's naked
too!" 

This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a
hit. The hit man replied, "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger." 
The man said, "$1000? Ouch! But okay. I want two hits. I want you to
shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I
can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the
dick, for screwing around with my wife." The hitman agrees, lifts the
rifle and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes.
The man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting
for. 

The hitman replies, "Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a
thousand bucks." 

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Nothing good or bad
-------------------
A man arrives at the pearly gates, and St. Peter looks up his record
and says, "Well, you didn't do anything particularly good, but neither
did you do anything particularly bad. I'll tell you what - if you can
tell me of one really good deed you've done, I'll let you stay.

So the man says, "Well, once I saw some bikers menacing a young woman.
I stopped my car. I took out my tire iron. I walked up to their leader
- a huge, hairy, ugly man, full of tattoos. He had a nose ring. I
ripped it right of of his nose, and said, "You leave this girl alone,
you hear?" I stared at all of them, and I said, "Now get out of here,
or you'll have to answer to me ."

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" he asked the man.

"About two minutes ago."

*******************************************

This fellow was walking home from work one evening, very
depressed. He was married to a nagging woman who was
constantly switching between treating him nice and tearing
down his self esteem. To add to it, his best friend was to be
hanged that night for a capital crime.

He stomped into the house and slammed the door, sunk in his self-pity.

His wife said, "Honey, what's the problem?"

"They're hanging my best friend, Tony Wright, tonight!"

"I understand, go take a bath. I'll get supper ready for you,
Sweetie, and you can go down to see him before the hanging.
Now, won't that make you feel better?"

He decided to not make it worse and agrees with her proposal.

Well, while she was getting supper the paper came, hitting the
front door with a plop. She picked it up and opened it. The
heading said, "WRIGHT GETS STAY OF EXECUTION."

She knew her husband would want to know immediately and
hearing the great news would really lift his spirits, so she went
up the stairs and opened the bathroom door. There he was,
bent over and naked, cleaning the tub.

She said, "Honey, they're not hanging Wright tonight!"

He answered, "The same old story. First you're nice and then
bitch, bitch, bitch!!!"

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George's Physical

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests
came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything 
looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are
you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with
your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, 
so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go
to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) 
the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he
said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to
call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that
he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the 
bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"

