Humor....Spending Spree

A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to 
put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and 
asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, "I have my 
reasons which I would rather not tell right now". So, the artist goes 
ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with 
curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis. So, he 
tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says 
that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if 
he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie. 
So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: "First, I like to 
play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, 
and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she 
can stay home to do it!

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Humor.....Interspecies Differences...

The first manned Martian expedition landed on Mars, and to their 
amazement, they discovered that the planet was populated. The Martians 
were humanoid and not much different from their neighbors on Earth. 
The expedition personnel, 4 males and one female, spent the first few 
days avidly discussing their various fields of expertise with their 
hosts. The Martians also showed great hospitality to their visitors, 
wined them and dined them, took them to the Mars bars. Eventually, of 
course, the subject of procreation was raised. The Martians took their 
guests deep into their underground complex, into a room with red 
paneling covered in dials, switches and other controls. "Right," said 
one of the Martians, adjusting various controls. "I think we should 
make a boy who will grow up to be tall, fair, an engineer, a good 
sportsman with a good sense of humor but a bit shy". He checked his 
settings, punched a blue button and a few seconds later a panel in the 
wall opened and a basket containing a Martian baby slid into view. 
Everyone, Martians and humans gathered around and gasped in wonder at 
the new born child. Then the Martians asked how this was accomplished 
on Earth. "Well," said the Expedition Leader. "If Miss Johnson would 
care to assist in the demonstration, I should be only too pleased to 
show you how it is done". The lady astronaut was more than willing 
and, together, they stripped each other and proceeded to have sex. 
When they finished and were redressing one Martian raised a quizzical 
eyebrow and asked when the issue could be expected. "Oh sorry," said 
the leader. "It takes nine months". "Nine months!", exclaimed the 
Martian. "Well, why all the hurry at the end?"

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Humor.....Proud Moms....

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman 
tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, 
everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son 
is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your 
Grace." The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. 
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." Since the 
fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first hree women 
give her this subtle, "Well?" So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 
6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh 
my God!"

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Humor....Medical Treatment...

Charlie wanted a new birth control method and his doctor suggested a 
vasectomy. Charlie agreed and the doctor said he could perform the 
operation in his office. At a crucial moment during the procedure one 
of Charlie's testicles fell to the floor, and the nurse, who was 
wearing high heels, accidentally stepped on it and crushed it. 
[Standard operating procedure.] However, the doctor noticed a jar of 
pickled onions on his nurse's desk. Taking an onion, and realizing it 
was the right size and weight, he placed it in Charlie's scrotum and 
completed the operation. [Standard operating procedure.] A few months 
later Charlie returned for a check up. When the doctor asked how 
things were going, Charlie replied. "Pretty good, Doc. At least my 
wife's not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects. Every 
time we make love, my wife gets heartburn; when I pee my eyes water; 
and whenever I pass a hamburger stand, I have an erection.

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Humor.....Promises...

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought 
his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out 
on the counter...Then she started talking to him, and tracing her 
fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised 
me Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance 
money!" She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised 
me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance 
money!" Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving 
remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes..."

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Humor......Good Friends....

Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent, 
and the three wives stayed in other. At about 3:00 A.M. Bob woke up 
and yelled. "Wow, unbelievable!!". Bill woke up and asked, "What's 
going on?" Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my 
wife." "How come?", Bill asked. "To have sex! I just woke up with 
the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!" After a pause, Bill 
said,"Do you want me to come with you?" "Hell no! Why would I want you 
to do that?" "Because that's my dick you're holding."

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Humor.....In the Know....

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her 
shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over 
which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, 
quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she 
opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she 
says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you five hundred dollars to drop 
that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman 
drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few 
seconds, Bob hands her 500 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited 
about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes 
back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks, 
"Who was that?" "It was Bob, our next door neighbor," she replied. 
"Great," the husband says, "Did he say anything about the five hundred 
dollars he owes me?"

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Humor.....New Doc...

A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. 
He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, 
proclaiming his specialties: "Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids." The town 
fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. 
The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign: "Queers & 
Rears." The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they 
demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not 
offend the townspeople. So the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign: 
"Odds & Ends."

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Humor.....New Friend....

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The 
place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. 
As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, 
"May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "I really 
don't think you should." "Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need 
to use a restroom!" "Well, I don't think you should. There is a 
statue of a naked woman in there-and she's only covered by a fig 
leaf!" "Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!" So, the 
bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and 
he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out, 
and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went 
to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in 
here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room 
became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is 
hopping again." "Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. 
"Would you like a drink too?" "But, I still don't understand," said 
the puzzled pastor. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the 
fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole 
place. Now, how about that drink?"
(What struck me about the above joke was how familar it sounded. When 
I was a child, we use to go for rides every Sunday and then out for 
dinner where ever we ended up that day. While in the mountains in 
Pennsylvania, mother and I went to the ladies room at a lodge/taproom 
where we had stopped for dinner. There was a big wooden indian statue 
in the corner of the room garbed in a loin cloth that said "do not 
touch". While I was using the facilities, my mother's curiousity got 
the better of her and she lifted the loin cloth......all I heard was 
the really loud fog horn sounding off.....but boy was my mother's face 
red when she walked back through the taproom to our dinner table. I 
was about 9 at the time and it took me years to figure out what had 
happened and why everyone was laughing at my mom's red face!....Day)

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Humor......Name Pun....

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little 
Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he 
happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the 
town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not 
something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through 
the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. 
Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a 
member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" 
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. 
Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. 
The reverend realized that she had had to much to drink and he grabbed 
hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their 
balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few 
seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her 
skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and 
said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in 
this bar!" The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you 
don't understand, I'm Pasto Fuzz." The bartender nodded, "Hell then, 
if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."

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Humor.....Keeping up with the Jones....

This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at 
a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the 
Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says 
"Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh huh, yes, that's 
very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" 
"Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" 
"Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the 
Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the 
guy in the Rolls says "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in 
back here see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. 
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes 
immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed 
in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and 
he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. 
He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up 
next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels 
a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls 
and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada 
finally opens the window a crack and peeks out and the guy in the 
Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, Yeah, I remember you. What's 
up?" "Check this out I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And 
the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME 
THAT!"

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Humor.....New Zealand

These three babies are sitting in their prams in the local supermarket 
while their mommies are shopping. They are parked in die baby food 
department and the one baby said: "You see these bottles of Purity? It 
really taste like shit and I have to eat it every day!" The second 
baby replied: "Oh sure, you see those boxes of powder milk, that taste 
like nothing and I must drink it three times a day!" The third, and 
youngest, baby just sat there with a sour face and said: "Why are you 
guys complaining? I have to share a tit with a mouth that taste like 
Chesterfield Plain!"

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Humor.....Texas...

Three cowboys, one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the other 
from Texas, are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome 
prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of 
tall tales begins... The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the 
meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull 
got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the 
ground by the horns, with my bare hands." The guy from Arkansas 
can't stand to be outdone. "Why I was walking down the trail yesterday 
and a fifteen-foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move 
for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands and bit its head off 
and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!" 
The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

