Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, 
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out 
teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing 
beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

*****************************************

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their
waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed
that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table,
with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and
out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him
appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining
companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the
order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me,
ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't.
He just walked in the door."

*****************************************

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel
asks,"Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert
your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand".

"OK" said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great
long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips
through the desert",

"Thanks Mom" replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have
I got these great big humps on my back??"

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are
there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert,
so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and
long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to
store water, but Mom"

"Yes son?"

"Why the fuck are we in a zoo?

*****************************************

On The Wrong Bus
----------------
Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon
discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few
seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so
he asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"

The reply is, "l got this in the war."

Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats.

The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his
right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even
kicks Fred a few times.

So Fred asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"

Again the answer is, "l got this in the war."

Fred moves.

The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left
hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war."

His reply was, "No, l got it out of my nose. I can't get it off of my
hand."

*****************************************

Increasing...
-------------
A family was all together recently, just hanging around. The sister
was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of
trivia she
had found in the book, which she then read aloud; "Did you know that a
woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?" 
The bother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours
don't?" To which the father, from behind his newspaper and without
even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough."

*****************************************

Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of
tequila. He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots.

They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to
slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the
bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up
the glasses again and, more gleefully yell " Only 51 days!"

The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking
about and asks them what they mean by Only 51 days.

One of the blondes looks at him and says "Well," looking very smug.
"We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us Only 51 Days.....and on
the box it said 4-7 years!"

*****************************************

You know your life stinks when...
---------------------------------
. A black cat crosses you path and drops dead. 
. You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell
your wife. 
. The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm. 
. Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.
. You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment.
. Your children's school calls to surrender. 
. The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice. 
. Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map. 
. Your plants do better when you 'don't' talk to them. 
. All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists. 
. Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic.

*****************************************

A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor puts his
stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, "Big breaths." The girl
replies, "Yeth and I'm not even thixteen."

**************************************

A blonde drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to
learn
how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store,
walks
in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over
there and that accordion." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and
replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to
stay".

**************************************

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start
their family. When the proxy father was scheduled to arrive, Mr. Smith
kissed his wife goodbye and said, "I'm off to the office. The man
should be here soon."

A half hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang
the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't
know me, but I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," interjected Mrs. Smith. "I've been expecting you."

"Really?" asked the photographer. "Well, good ! I've made a specialty
of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes, the living room
floor is fun too - you can really spread out."

"The bathtub? The living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for
Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be
in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Smith.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my gosh!" she exclaimed, tugging at her hanky.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs.
Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep,
pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" questioned Mrs. Smith, in amazement.

"Yes, and for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly
squealing and yelling. I could barely concentrate. Then, darkness
approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels
began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward, "You mean they actually chewed on your
equipment!"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work."

"Tripod?" gasped Mrs. Smith with an extremely worried look.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
to hold while I'm getting ready for action... Madam? Madam? Good gosh,
she's fainted!"

**************************************

"The year is made up of 365 days, each having 24 hours,12 of which are 
night time hours, which add up to a total of 182 days.

This leaves you with 183 days to work minus 52 Sundays, which leaves you 
with 131 days to work minus 52 Saturdays, which leaves you with 79 days 
to work. But, there are 4 hours each day, set aside for eating, which 
adds up 60 days, which leaves you 19 days for working. 

But you are entitled to 15 days of your vacation, which means you have 4 
days left for work minus 3 days, which you usually take off due to 
illness or other emergencies, which leaves you 1 day to work, which 
happens to be Labor Day which is a Holiday."

SO, WHY ARE YOU SO TIRED?

**************************************

A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately for him, there is a pile 
of dog crap just inside the door and he slips in it and falls over. He 
gets up, cleans himself, walks to the bar and buys a drink. 

A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of poop, 
falls, gets up, cleans himself and then buys a drink. 

Trying to strike up a conversation, the little guy turns to the big guy, 
points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that." 

The big guy punched him in the mouth....

**************************************

Some NEW Bumper Stickers

1. Constipated people don't give a shit.
2. Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
3. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
5. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
6. Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
7. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.
8. My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
9. Thank you for pot smoking.
10. To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
11. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings."
13. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
14. Horn broken...watch for finger.
15. You've picked your nose...now where do you put the booger.
16. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass. 

**************************************

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem 
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out 
this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't
see what the problem is."
"The problem is..." she complained, "It wakes me up!"

*********************
A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in 
Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the 
tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb 
the big tree. Nearing the top, she encountered a spotted owl that 
attacked her.
In her haste to escape, she slid down the tree to the ground and got 
many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried 
to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into 
the examining room and he would see if he could help her. 
She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded "What took you so long?" and he replied, 
"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, 
the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could 
remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

**************************************

One day the Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good 
news and some bad news," The Lord said. 
Adam looked at the Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first." 
Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is 
called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, 
and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for 
you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and 
allow you to reproduce your now intelligent 
life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now 
have this organ to give her children." 
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to 
me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" 
The Lord looked upon Adam saying with great sorrow, "You'll never be 
able to use these two gifts at the same time."

**************************************

"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex 
anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this
upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is 
going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. 
"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so 
far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, 
understand? Just ONE."
"I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay." The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his 
wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the 
kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his 
pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, 
hesitates, then drops in a second pill.
And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then 
inspiration strikes--he drops one pill into his own coffee.
His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and 
coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders 
a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. 
In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard 
her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me...too..."

**************************************

This married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest,
"I had an affair with a woman...almost." 
The priest says, "What do you mean 'almost'?"
The man says "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I 
stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in, 
you're not to go near that woman again. Now say five Hail Mary's and put 
$50 in the poor box." 
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, 
then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts 
to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and 
says "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" 
The man replies "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and that's the 
same as putting it in!"
