The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin
Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to
challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical 
spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club
in his hand. "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me
against the leader of Israel?"

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added,
"there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout 
Catholic.
We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play Benjamin
Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing
our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a great idea. The call was made. Of course,
Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform
the Pope of the result.

"I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the
golfer.


"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've
played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best 
I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My 
drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my 
putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly 
miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

"Yes", Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

**************************************************

In a local radio interview, a female newscaster interviewed the leader 
of a youth club:

Interviewer:   So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these 
children on this adventure holiday?
Mr. Jones:  We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery,
shooting......
Interviewer:   Shooting!!  That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
Mr. Jones:   I don't see why,  they'll be properly supervised on the
range.
Interviewer:   Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?
Mr. Jones:   I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range
discipline before they even touch a firearm.
Interviewer:   But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
Mr. Jones:   Well,  you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not
one, are you?

**************************************************

At last some meaning to my life!

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.-Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk,they're
sober.--William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
his fools.-Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to
keep your mouth shut.-Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.  
--Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.-Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as
drink.-G.K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.-Catherine
Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure.-Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.-Anonymous

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
her.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?  --W.C.
Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.-Anonymous

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.-Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.-Henny
Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of
the time and have the time of your life.-Anonymous

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.-Tom
Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When
we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven -
Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...-Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear   weapons,
but at the very least you need a beer.-Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has
taken out of me.-Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.-Plato

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -Benjamin
Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it
makes beer shoot out your nose.-Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,but
the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.-Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.-Kaiser
Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.-Homer
Simpson

I drink to make other people interesting.-George Jean Nathan

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's
just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.-Homer  Simpson

**************************************


There's this couple doing yard work and the wife stops to go up and take 
a shower....so the guy is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, 
who looks out to the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the rake?" She 
can't hear him, so he points to his eye [I], points to his knee [need] 
and then makes raking motions.
"What?" she yells.

So he goes through the whole routine again. She nods like she gets it 
and then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her ass and 
then rubs her crotch. Her husband is somewhat confused, but totally 
aroused, so he quickly goes in the house, up the stairs, and into the 
bathroom.

"What did you say?"

She says, "I said: eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

**************************************

The Divorce
-----------
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court
judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
 
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

**************************************

Blind Date
----------
The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the
evening was finally over.  At her apartment door, he suddenly said,
"Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"
 
Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the
hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.
 
She glanced down and said, "Nice design - does it also come in men's
sizes?"

**************************************
The Sin of Lying
----------------
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about
the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to
read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the
minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had
read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will
now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

**************************************
The Man with no Arms and Legs
-----------------------------
There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either
physically abusive,who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed.
So she put an Ad in the paper, that was asking for a man who: 
1)would treat her nicely 
2)wouldn't run away from her, 
3)would be good in bed. 
Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just
figured that there wasn't a man alive who could live up to these
expectations, so she just gave up. But then, one day she heard the
doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man
in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. The man said 'I'm
here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms
so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you.'

The woman replied, 'Yes, but are you good in bed?'

And the man said with a smirk on his face, 'How do you think I rang
the doorbell?'

*****************************************

Cool Old Rooster
----------------
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens.
The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on
in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt.
So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him
loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a
little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old
rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new
bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think
you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block
yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge
you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it
ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for
himself.' 

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he
was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and
since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap.
I'll still win easy!' So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to
start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins
and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first
lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second
lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little- but he's still hanging
in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each
time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the
young fella.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house,
gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or
something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two
roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still
slightly in the lead. 

He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young
rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself.....

'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'
