Professions ----------- A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. ************************************************************** Deep Thoughts ------------- Home is where the house is. Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with. The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. ************************************************************** Who's Cheating? --------------- "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" "So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley." ************************************************************** NOW PAY ATTENTION TO THIS GUYS!!! TIPS ON LOVE from those that should know (all questions are being answered by kids 5-10) WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?? Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8) "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" (Tom, 5) WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10) "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9) THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?? "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" (Lynette, 9) "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7) CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9) "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8) ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9) "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7) ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8) "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7) "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9) CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8) CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6) "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8) "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough" (Regina, 10) THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8) SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6) "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention but attention isn't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9) "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9) HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9) "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8) "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire." (Christine, 9) WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU" "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9) HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7) "It might help to watch soap opera all day." (Carin, 9) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10) HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7) "Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8) "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy, 8) ************************************************************** You know your life is going bad when... =--= . A black cat crosses you path and drops dead. . You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife. . The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm. . Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft. . You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment. . Your children's school calls to surrender. . The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice. . Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map. . Your plants do better when you _don't_ talk to them. . All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists. . Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic. ************************************************************** two cajuns were talking about how far different kinds of weapons will fire. to settle the argument they decided to go to a high hill overlooking town and fire their weapons to see how far they will shoot. first they shot a .22 rifle then they shot a .9mm rifle finally they shot a grenade launcher. after they did this they decided to travel down and see if they can find out where the shots landed. first they came upon where the .22 shot landed there was a man swearing and just beside himself. when they asked what was wrong the man said someone just put a bullet hole in my brand new truck window. second they went to another spot and found a woman just white as a sheet. when they asked her what was wrong she said someone just shot the frying pan right out of her hand while she was cooking. finally they came upon a man walking down the street laughing with nearly all his clothes burnt off and torn to shreads. they asked him what is so funny and why are all your clothes torn and burned. he laughed and said well i was watching tv with the fireplace lit. i tilted over and ripped one loose and blew up my damn house. ************************************************************** Good, Bad, Worse -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Good: You and your spouse agree, no more kids. Bad: The birth control pills are missing. Worse: Your daughter borrowed them. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Worse: You're in them. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Worse: He looks better than you. Good: Your son's finally maturing. Bad: He involved with the woman next door. Worse: So are you. Good: You teach your daughter about the birds and the bees. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Worse: With corrections. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer. Good: The Postman's early. Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK-47. Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas. ************************************************************** Wedding Vows During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer." **************************************************************************************** ..and try being a working mom!!!! One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked "what happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?" "Yes, was his reply." She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"