Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her
obstetrician's office.  When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My
husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her
houlder, "I get asked that all the time.  Sex is fine until late in the
pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can
still mow the lawn."
				**************

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.  "What's your
secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.  "I also drink a case
of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
				**************

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat
down at a bar and ordered a drink.  As the bartender set it down, he asked,
"Going to a party ?"
"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.
"That's right.  My last four scores were seven years ago."
				**************

The blonde reported for her University final examination which 
consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the 
examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, 
and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes 
a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - 
Yes for Heads and No for Tails. 

Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the 
class is sweating it out. 

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the 
coin, screaming and sweating. 

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. 

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But, she says, I am 
rechecking my answers."

*********************************************************
Why men do the things they do...


Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my 
hand while I watch TV.  If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a
whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by 
holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with 
a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road
service until long after hypothermia has set in.  Oh, and when the car
isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine 
as if I know what I'm looking at.  If another guy shows up, one of us
will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with
all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."  We
will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me 
soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get 
as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries 
at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find 
exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the 
same thing.  And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick 
up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just 
cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to 
put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I 
don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen 
to a complete stranger--how the heck could HE know where we're
going?  

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't.  

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about 
her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for  Mother's day 
is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something 
for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I
really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even 
when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and 
I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious 
to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I 
don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. 
What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce
Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you
every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of  Time
and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in 
Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you 
do not find this fascinating.  

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought 
what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.  Either pair 
of shoes is fine.  With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair 
is fine.  You look fine.  Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share 
equally in the housework.  You do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, and the dishes.  I'll do the rest.

***********************************************************

What men really mean when they say...

"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand
by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with
it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a
maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing
a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful
women."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address
of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers
of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to
death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and
am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it
could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit.  I'm
starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Ain't that the truth...?!

************************************************************

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
years.  He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect.  Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.  I just sit
around and listen to the conversations.  I've changed my will three times!"

*****************************************************
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small
house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a
long gray beard.
'"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly",' the Chinese man said, "but on one condition."  "If you  so
much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst
Chinese tortures known to man'".
"OK,", said the man, and entered the house.
Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs.  She was young, beautiful
and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as
she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a
night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and,
near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel
a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest
with a note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 1....Large rock on chest.".
Well, that's pretty crappy,' he thought.  'If that's the best the old man
can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.
As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:   "Chinese Torture
2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close
to taut.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he, jumped out
of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that
read, "Chinese Torture 3....Right testicle tied to bed post."