A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double
martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his
shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks
the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look,
buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long . But you gotta tell me why
you look inside your shirt pocket  before you order a refill." The man
replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good,
then I know it's time to go home."

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Van Gogh Family Tree

After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent
Van Gogh had many relatives.  Among them were:
His obnoxious brother..........................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt ................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes.....................Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.....Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia..............U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white......Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois...................   Chica Gogh
His magician uncle............................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin.............................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother.....Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach .........Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle .......................Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt...................Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle........................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst....................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin......................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking.........Wayto Gogh
The little nephew.............................Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco......................Ahgo Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van....Winnie B. Gogh

*********************************************************

Three dogs are sitting at the vet to wait for their visit.

The first one asks the secon done:	Why are you here?
Secon one says: You know, I was on a playground in the kindergarden with 
lots of kids. I HATE KIDS!!!! One ran by really near, really fast and I 
couldn`t hold on so I bit him a piece of his leg off. I think I`m here to 
get killed.

The first one asks the third one:	And why are you here?
Third one replies:	I ascaped from my home and killed some wild anymals in 
the woods and the hunter found me. I think I`m here to get killed, too.

So the asked the first one:		And why are you here?

The first one says:	I watched my lady taking a shower. Suddenly she 
dropped the soap. When she reached down for it I jumped on her!!!!!
The second and the third said laughing:	So you are here to get killed, 
too!!!!!!!

The first one said:		No, I`m just here to get my claws cut!

*********************************************************

Why men do the things they do...

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my 
hand while I watch TV.  If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a
whole
show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with 
a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road
service until long after hypothermia has set in.  Oh, and when the car
isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine 
as if I know what I'm looking at.  If another guy shows up, one of us
will
say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with
all
these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."  We
will
then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me 
soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get 
as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries 
at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find 
exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the 
same thing.  And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick 
up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will
insist
on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just 
cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to 
put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I 
don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen 
to a complete stranger--how the heck could HE know where we're
going?  

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't.  

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother
come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about 
her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for  Mother's day 
is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something 
for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I
really
have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even 
when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and 
I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious 
to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I 
don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. 
What's
the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce
Springsteen
or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single
time
about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of 
Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in 
Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you 
do not find this fascinating.  

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought 
what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.  Either pair 
of shoes is fine.  With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair 
is fine.  You look fine.  Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share 
equally in the housework.  You do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning,
and the dishes.  I'll do the rest.

What men really mean when they say...

"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand
by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with
it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a
maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing
a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful
women."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address
of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers
of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to
death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and
am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it
could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit.  I'm
starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Ain't that the truth...?!

*********************************************************

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing
volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides 
that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes
him to a strip club.
The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?"
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no.
He's just one of the guys I bowl with."
They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to
see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?"
His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!"
"No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."
Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and
says "Roger! A table dance as usual?"
His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.
Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the
passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger
have it with both barrels.
At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a
bitch tonight, Roger!"

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