******************************************************** A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie." ******************************************************** Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, -Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?- The other replied, -Yes I am, I married the wrong man.- Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her ter's. A little boy asked his father, -Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?- And the father replied, -I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.- Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son. Then there was a man who said, -I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late. A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes. When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. ******************************************************** Here's some stuff for u to think about....... How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? You know how most packages say "Open here".What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is? Why does sour cream have an expiration date? Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk ? The light went out, but where to ? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra? Why do people who go to Burger King and order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry insist on a Diet Coke? If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me. Who's bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby! Mr. Bigger's baby because he is a little bigger! If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes? How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are? If the plural of "mouse" is "mice, shouldn't the plural of "house" be "hice"? Why is there only one Monopolies commission? Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers? Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? ******************************************************** "WHEN THE END OF THE WORLD ARRIVES, HOW WILL THE MEDIA REPORT IT?" USA Today: WE'RE DEAD The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER Wired: THE LAST NEW THING Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR Readers Digest: 'BYE Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS? TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR! Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET! America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES. Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE! NBC News: THE END IS NIGH. FIRST, THESE MESSAGES... ******************************************************** A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator! The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!" ******************************************************** The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope. One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, then it hits him. The pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bums clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him. Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!" ******************************************************** Once there was a millionaire who conducted live alligators. He kept there in the pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party and during the party he announce, " My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and imerge umharmed ! " As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH !! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...The crowd cheered him on as he kept swimming. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, " My boy, that was incredible! fantastic! I didn't think it could be done ! well, I must keep my end of the bargain...Which do you want, My daughter or the one million dollars ? " The guy said," Listen, I don't want your money! And i don't want your daughter ! I want the person who pushed me into the pool !!!" ******************************************************** THE WAY THE LIFE CYCLE SHOULD WORK..... The unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch and start working. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs and alcohol, you party. You get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities! You become a little baby, you go back into the womb and spend your last nine months floating... You finish off as an orgasm. HOW'S THAT? ******************************************************** A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor. COUNSELOR: What's the problem, you look depressed? GUY: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell. COUNSELOR: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink? GUY: Sure, I love to drink. COUNSELOR: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke? GUY: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. COUNSELOR: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs? GUY: Well in my younger days I experimented a little. COUNSELOR: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead! You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble? GUY: Yes, I love to gamble. COUNSELOR: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night. Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay? GUY: Well, no I'm not. COUNSELOR: Oooh , you're gonna hate Fridays... ******************************************************** A new study (March issue) reveals the following findings: ========================================================= * When the staff goes out after work they talk about football or basketball. * When middle management gets together, they talk about tennis or baseball. * When Top management gets together, they talk about golf. Conclusion: * The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls get. ******************************************************** Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought that might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?" At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"