Three sons of a Yiddish Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother. Abraham, the first, said: "I built a big house for our mother." Moishe, the second, said: "I sent Mama a Mercedes with a driver." David, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole Bible -- Mama just has to name the chapter and verse." Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother. "Abraham," she said, "The house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Moishe," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has shpilkas -- he's a pain in the tuchas!" "But David," she said, "The chicken was DELICIOUS!" ************** An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter: "What are you doing naked?" The daughter responds: "This is the dress of love." When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her: "What are you doing naked, woman?" She responds: "This is the dress of love." And he said to her: "Well, go iron it first." ************ A farmer was taking his buffalo and a new born calf to sell in the market. On the way Florentino, that was his name, got waylaid by bandits who beat him up, stripped him and tied him to a tree. Then taking the buffalo and Florentino's clothes, the bandits escaped. However, they left the newborn calf behind. Poor Florentino suffered for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked and hungry. Fortunately, on the third day, some folks from his village happened to pass by. They recognized him and untied him. As they did, Florentino picked up a huge stick and started thrashing the calf with it. "Why are you thrashing the poor calf?" , the villagers exclaimed. To which Florentino replied " I have been telling this son-of-a-bitch for the past two days that I am not your mother, I am not your mother....!!" ********** GREAT QUOTES OF MEN, WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS (A few are slightly risque, but very funny and true) ****************************************************** When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. -- Frederick Ryder Men get laid, but women get screwed. -- Quentin Crisp (English writer) Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place. -- Billy Crystal. I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave? -- Beverly Mickins (American comedienne) Do you know why the Lord withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you. -- Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress) A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times. -- Sanskrit proverb There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." -- Jerry Seinfeld March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb. -- Anonymous Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last. -- Remy de Gourmant (French writer) A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses. -- H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956) When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment. -- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist) Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. -- Lyndon B. Johnson Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable? -- Carrie Snow The Lord made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. -- Anonymous *************** Tiger With An Ego Problem ------------------------- There was this tiger who wakes up one morning and just feels great. He feels so frisky, he goes out and corners a small monkey. He roars at him, "Who is the mightiest of all the jungle animals, pip squeek!?!" And this poor quaking little monkey replies, "You are, of course, no one is mightier than you." Just what the tiger wants to hear. A little while later, the the tiger sees a deer. He walks up, confronts it, and just bellows out in the deer's face, "Who is the greatest and strongest of all the jungle animals, meek one!?!!" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but still manages to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, meanders on down the trail. Not very much time goes by till the tiger spots an elephant in a cluster of trees. Wasting no time, he swaggers up to the elephant who is quietly munching on some weeds. He looks him right in the eye and roars at the top of his voice, "Who is the mightiest of all the animals in the jungle, snout face!?!?!!" Well the elephant don't play that. He grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down, picks him up again, and shakes the crap outta him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black. To finish the performance, old snout face throws the poor tiger violently into a nearby tree. The tiger, in a world of deep hurt, manages to stagger to his feet after a few minutes. He looks at the elephant with blurred vision and says, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed!" ************** Dying On Duty ------------- It has been brought to the attention of the management of this company that many employees have been dying while on duty for no good reason. Furthermore, it also appears that some employees are refusing to fall over after they have died. This, in some cases, has resulted in unearned overtime payments which are not provided for under our employee benefit program. Effective immediately, this practice must be discontinued! On and after today, any employee found sitting up after he/she has died will be dropped from the payroll at once, without further investigation. This action is covered by Company Regulation #20 (non-productive labor). When it can be proven that the employee is being held up by a desk, typewriter, drawing board, telephone, or any other means of support which is the property of the company, a one (1) day period of grace will be granted. In the event of apparent death, the following procedure will be strictly adhered to: 1. If, after several hours, it is noted that any employee has not moved or opened at least one eye, the department head will investigate. Because of the highly sensitive nature and/or origin of some employees and of the close resemblance between death and their normal working attitude, the investigation will be made quietly so as to avoid waking the employee if he/she is asleep (which is, of course, permitted under present union contracts). 2. If some doubt still exists as to the true condition of the employee, a pay cheque will be used as the final test. If the employee fails to reach for the cheque, it is reasonable to assume that death has occurred. Note that in some cases the instinct is so strongly developed that a spastic clutching may occur even after death; do not be misled by this manifestation. 3. In the event that an employee fails to abandon whatever he/she is doing at Coffee Break time, no investigation is necessary as this is conclusive proof that rigor mortis has already set in. Best regards, - The Management *************** Horseback Riding ---------------- A man decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the man begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, he grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up his tentative grip, he leaps away from the horse to try and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup and he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is battered against the ground, he is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great fortune................ the Wal-Mart manager sees him and shuts the horse off. ************** A humble crab fell in love with Princess Lobster and she with him. They enjoyed an idyllic relationship but one day Princess Lobster came to Crab in floods of tears saying that King Lobster could not let her see Crab anymore. "But why?" gasped the humble crab. "Daddy says that crabs are too common," sobbed the princess "You're a lower class of crustacean, and anyway you walk sideways" Crab was shattered and scuttled away to drink himself into forgetfulness. That night was the occasion of the great Lobster ball. Lobsters came from far and near for feasting and merrymaking. Princess Lobster, however, sat by her father's side, inconsolable. Suddenly, the doors flew open. It was the humble crab. Slowly, painstakingly, he made his way to the throne - walking dead straight, one claw after another. A silence gathered round the room. All the Lobsters' eyes fell on the intruder Step by painful step he approached until he looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally Crab spoke up: - - - - - - - - - - - "Fuck, I'm pissed!!" ********* NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. (Yes!) OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style." WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party." ************** 19 THINGS TO DO IN THE BATHROOM STALL TO IGNORE YOU NEIGHBORIN AT A PUBLIC BATHROOM STALL 1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,"May I borrow a highlighter?" 2.Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that." 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise 4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." 5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!" 6. Say "Damn, this water is cold." 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly. 8. Say, "Now how did that get there?" 9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus." 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa ! Easy boy!!" 11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters" 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,"Whoops,could you kick that back over here, please? 13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!! 14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot" 15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?" 16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicuslylay down your Cross-Dressors anonymous" newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall. 18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you cansee your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!" 19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free" ********* Echos on the Mountains When Hans and Jan were young, their high school teacher had read them stories about the magic of the mountains in the south: if you shouted or fired a shot then - a few seconds later - back came an echo. They decided to spend a summer vacation travelling to the south to hear this magical effect first hand. The journey south was scary and took more than a week. They just could not keep up with the BMWs and Mercs on the autobahn - their bicycles only had three gears, one of which was reverse. Eventually, though, the foothills of the mountains. Jan said: Hans, shoot. Hans shot. They listened. No echo. Perhaps we're not high enough said Hans. Carrying their bicycles on their backs (East Frisian bicycles are not certified for mountains) they climbed higher. Jan said: Hans, shoot. Hans shot. They listened. Again no echo. Higher and higher they went - stopping and shooting at every stop. Still no echo. Eventually they were almost at the summit ... Jan said: Hans, shoot. Replied Hans: Jan, you better shout this time. I've got no arrows left ! ************ Wrong Card ---------- On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply. **************** Kangaroo's night out -------------------- A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop very high, zoo officials put up a 10ft fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A 20ft high fence was erected. Again he got out. When the fence was 40ft high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night." ************ The truth is out there... ------------------------- At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."