THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER: 08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses 08:30 Weigh in 5 lb. lighter than yesterday 08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants 09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb-out 12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife; she has gained 30lb. 13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit 15:00 Nap 16:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer 16:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage 17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before mirror 19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing 22:00 Hot shower (alone) 22:30 Make love 23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling 23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM 06:00 Alarm 06:15 Blowjob 06:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today 07:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee 07:30 Limo arrives 07:45 Stoli Bloody Mary en route to airport 08:15 Private Jet to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ) 09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club 09:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under) 11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens 12:15 Blowjob 12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under) 14:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini) 14:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap) 15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all-female (topless) crew 16:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1,249 lb.) 17:00 Jet back and get a massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland 18:45 Shit, shower and shave 19:00 Watch CNN newsflash: Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated 19:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20oz. New York Steak 21:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar 21:30 Sex with three women 23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi 23:45 Bed (alone), clean sheets and puffy pillows 23:50 12 second, 4 octave fart, dog leaves the room 23:55 Giggle yourself to sleep ************** There were these three guys, a Polish guy, an Italian guy, and a Jewish guy. They all worked together at a factory. Every day they notice that their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together and decide that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too. So, the boss left and so did they. The Jewish guy goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start. The Italian guy goes home and cooks dinner. The Polish guy goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss so he shuts the door and leaves. The next day the Italian and Jewish guys are talking and plan to go home early again. They ask the Polish guy if he wants to leave early again and he says, "no." They ask him why not and he says "because I almost got caught yesterday!" **************** A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open. "You must have made a mistake," says the shocked dentist, "The gynecologist's office is one level higher." To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out." *************** Catholic Coffee --------------- Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'." **************** Fun with a Flashlight --------------------- Two less-than-brilliant men were having fun with a flashlight. One turned on the high beam, aimed it at the ceiling, and dared the other one to climb up to the top of the beam. The second brain said, "You can't trick me. As soon as I get to the top, you'll turn it off!" ************* Saying goodbye to the 90's way ------------------------------ Men often find blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a woman it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But there is now a great way to blow a woman off. It's safe, it's affordable and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you. It's at your fingertips right now: E-mail That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless? Following is an email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows: Dear (her name), I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition: (men will check those that apply) _____Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics. ______Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position. ______You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself. ______The only question you did ask was how much money I make. ______You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you. ______My breasts are bigger than yours. ______Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application. ______Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless. ______The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality. ______Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously. ______Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate. ______I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time. Sincerely, (Your name) ************* There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family." **************** -- Question 1... If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one. -- Question 2... It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts the three leading candidates: Candidate A : Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B : He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening. Candidate C : He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs. Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer. (Answers) Q1; Answer to the abortion question - if you said yes, you killed Beethoven. Q2; Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt, Candidate B is Winston Churchill and Candidate C is Adolph Hitler. ************* The different meanings of Shit! ------------------------------- You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else. ***************** A blond went out to her mailbox, looked in, closed the door, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again. She did this several times and her neighbor that was watching her said, "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box." The blond answered, "No, I am working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail. ***************** A polish guy decides that he wants to try ice fishing. He gets a fishing rod, a stool, a bucket of bait, and a saw. He goes out onto the ice, puts the bucket down, sits on the stool, gets out his saw, and is about to start cutting, when a deep, loud voice comes booming from overhead: "DO NOT CUT A HOLE IN THE ICE!" The Polish guy is startled and quickly looks straight up. then he looks all around him, but he doesn't see where the voice is coming from. He then replaces the saw on the ice and is about to cut when the loud voice booms out, "DO NOT CUT A HOLE IN THE ICE!" The Polish guy jumps up, looks all around, then up in the air again, but he still cant figure out where the voice is coming from. So he settles back in, and is about to start cutting for the third time, when the voice commands, even louder this time, "I REPEAT! DO NOT CUT A HOLE IN THE ICE!" Now the Polish guy is certain that the voice is coming from directly overhead. He looks up and says, "Who are you?" The voice answers loudly, "THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER! DO NOT CUT A HOLE IN THE ICE!" ***************** Jon, Brian, and Amanpreet were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. Jon won the first prize: a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Brian won the second prize: six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. Amanpreet won the sixth prize: a toilet brush. When they met in the pub a week later, Amanpreet asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. "Great," said Jon. "I love spaghetti." "So do I," said Brian. "And how's the toilet brush, 'Preet?" "Not so good," Amanpreet confided. "I'm going to have to go back to paper." *************** Jume: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Jume: "Haven't I seen you some place before? Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there any more." Jume: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." Jume: "So, wanna go back to my place ?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" Jume : "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Jume: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." (this one happened to him in Singapore) Jume: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too." Jume: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator." Jume: "What sign were you born under?" Woman: "No Parking." Jume: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not Enter" Jume: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilised !" Jume: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason" Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" Jume: "I'm here to fulfil your every sexual fantasy." Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?" Jume: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone." Jume: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts." Jume: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave." Jume: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy: Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing." Jume: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?" Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.." Jume: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today." Jume: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account." Jume: "I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there? ***************** HoW To KeEp A hEaLtHy LeVeL Of InSaNiTy AnD dRiVe OtHeR PeOpLe iNsAnE... Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.' Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Insist that your e-mail address be: xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the breakroom. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that." Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy." Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the lightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way. Dont use any punctuation As often as possible, skip rather than walk. Ask people what sex they are. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'. Sing along at the opera. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. ***AnD tHe FiNaL WaY tO aNnOy PeOple: Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this. *********** An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. "Hit him again," the 5 yr. old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"