"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic." "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off." "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message." ************* Virus Warning "WORK" Very serious, especially on a Friday........... If you receive any sort of 'work' at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague... DO NOT OPEN IT. This has been circulating around the building for months and those who have been tempted to open it or even look at it have found that their social lifeis deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter 'work' via email, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words 'I've had enough of your sh.. .. I'm off to the pub'. The 'work' should automatically be forgotten by your brain and your career will now be successfully destroyed. If you receive 'work' in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag to your waste paper bin and deposit there. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer. After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that 'work' will no longer be of any relavance to you and that 'Scooby Doo' was the greatest children's cartoon ever. Send this message to everyone in your mailbox. If you do not have anyone in your mailbox, then I'm afraid the 'work' virus has corrupted your life. Go out and get some friends. ****************** A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "For $100, I will do absolutely anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, under one condition. Absolutely anything." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, Paint my house." ****************** A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house her husband stopped her with these words: "Honey, before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came about." The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and raggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast you didn't like in the refrigerator. She had only some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of shoes you had discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday -- the one you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now." The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?" The husband replied, "Well, that's simple ... see, as she was about to leave the house she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore??" *************** Talking about Optimizing: Consulting -Andersen Style Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our orders carried a spoon in his shirtpocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back to check on our orders I asked: "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensils. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. .If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift." As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed; the waiter continued taking our orders and while my guests ordered I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flys. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%" "Okay, that makes sense, but ... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon." *************** WOMEN DO NOT SNORE, BURP, SWEAT OR FART. THEREFORE, THEY MUST BITCH OR THEY WILL BLOW UP Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God to Man: "So you would love her." "But God", Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God replies: "So she would love you." xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before creating a masterpiece. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Wieners come in packs of 10, buns in packs of 8, beer in packs of 6, condoms in packs of 3. Why can't they get it straight? Men need a calculator just to have a weekend. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Diamonds are a girl's best friends. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex? xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender? MENstruation MENopause MENtal breakdown GUYnecology HIMmorrhoids ***************** A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road in the opposite direction. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and screams, "B*TCH!!" They each continue on their way and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. **************** Wondering... ------------ A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... GO FIGURE! If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me ..... they were cramming for their finals. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there? Clones are people two. Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Think "honk" if you're telepathic. I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time." If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? --- You might be a Redneck Jedi if..... * If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..." * You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." * Your Jedi robe is camouflage. * You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. * At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. * You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. * You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. * The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. * Wookiees are offended by your B.O. * You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. * You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling. * You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up. * You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. * You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts. * You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. * Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. * You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. * You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck. * You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. * Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot." ******************* A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I'll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play." The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old mandolin. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing a few choruses of "Rawhide." The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks. The next guy comes up with a trumpet; the octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its chops and starts playing "Stella By Starlight." The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner. The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears in back, returning a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars." The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes up and says, "What are you waiting around for? Hurry up and play the darn thing!" The octopus says, "Play it? If I can figure out how to get its pajama's off, we're outta here! ************** WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? ----------------------------------- KINDERGARTEN TEACHER; To get to the other side. PLATO; For the greater good ARISTOTLE; It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX; It was a historical inevitability. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK; To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. ANDERSEN CONSULTING; Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals in delivering and successfully architecting and implementing and enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful. MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.; I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. MOSES; And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the chickens, "Thou shalt cross the road". And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. FOX MULDER; You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? RICHARD M. NIXON; The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. MACHIAVELLI; The point is that the chicken crosses the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. JERRY SEINFELD; Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, what the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway? SIEGMUND FREUD; The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES; I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Heck it might even work this time. OLIVER STONE; The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" CHARLES DARWIN; Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross the roads. ALBERT EINSTEIN; Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference. BUDDHA; Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON; The chicken did not cross the road....it transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY; To die. In the rain. COLONEL SANDERS; What, you mean I missed one ? Windows ------- A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."