Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. So, Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is, 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped.Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener."I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.'Joe gets worried. He turns to Poncho. 'Poncho, do you have the bottle opener?' Naturally, Poncho doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm not going.' *************** Three nuns die and go to heaven. They're met at the gates of heaven by St.Peter and say to him "Hi St. Peter. We're three nuns. Can we come in?" "No no" said St. Peter "It's not that simple. These days you have to pass a test to get into heaven." "O.K." said the nuns, "We'll do whatever it takes to get into heaven." So St. Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?" The first nun said, "That's an easy one. Adam." bells are ringing, lights are flashing, people are clapping. Right answer. She gets in. St. Peter asks the second nun, "Who was the first woman on earth?" The second nun said, "That's an easy one. Eve." Bells are ringing, lights are flashing, people are clapping. Right answer. St. Peter then asks the third nun, "What were the first words Eve spoke to Adam?" The third nun says "That's a hard one . . ." Bells are ringing, lights are flashing, people are clapping. *************** A man is in the dock, the Judges says,"one the 3rd August you are accused of killing you wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!". The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead". "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted "You dirty rotten stinking rat". At this point the Judge called the man to the Bench and said "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but please tell me what relationship have you to the man in the dock". He replied "He is my next door neighbour". The Judge replied "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "No, your Honour, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and on both occasions he said he didn't have one". *************** Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo (Mexican President) are at an International Summit meeting in Paris. They go to a restaurant, and the waiter asks " L'apperitif?" All of them answer "Oui!" The waiter looks at Zedillo. "Le tequila?" Zedillo: "Oui!" The waiter looks at Yeltsin. "Le vodka?" Yeltsin: "Oui!" Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton. "Le whisky?" Clinton: "DON'T MENTION THAT BITCH" *************** Christopher Maddock wrote: McDonald's Fast Food Job Application: This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM! (editor's note: I would have hired him too!!) NAME: Greg Bulmash DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and aMichael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising. The most important trait to have is sincerity. And when you can fake that, you've got it made! *************** There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The idiot says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!"-- bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears." *************** Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business outfit complete with a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the woman in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT." The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a quiet reprimand. After a minute or two Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide." At this the lady glared at Johnny and his embarrassed mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence. Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone. Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "Run for your life Mom, she's backing up!!!!" *************** 142857 is a cyclic number - its digits always appear in the same order but will rotate around when multiplied by any number from 1 to 6: 142857 x 1 = 142857 142857 x 2 = 285714 142857 x 3 = 428571 142857 x 4 = 571428 142857 x 5 = 714285 142857 x 6 = 857142 Pretty cool, huh? Now multiply 142857 by 7. *************** A linguistics professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right." *************** There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate". The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part". Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of treacle. Pour the tin of treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple. *************** Oh Boy.... What's the world coming to?Reported to be actual answers to Sixth Grade History tests: 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?" 3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. 4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. 5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. 6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. 7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. 8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. 9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. 10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out:"Tee hee, Brutus." 11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them. 12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. 13. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense. 14. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. 15. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. 16. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah." 17. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Anotherimportant invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. 18. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are anexample of a heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet. 19. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote DonkeyHote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 20. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. 21. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim'sProgress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. 22. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. 23. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. 24. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. 25. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. 26. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees. 27. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large. 28. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. 29. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children. 30. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. 31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.