Before and After you fall in love --------------------------------- Before - You take my breath away After - I feel like I'm suffocating Before - Twice a night After - Twice a month Before - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation After - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac Before - Saturday Night Fever After - Monday Night Football Before - Don't stop After - Don't start Before - Is that all you're having? After - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey Before - It's like I'm living in a dream After - It's like he lives in a dorm Before - $60/doz. After - $1.50/stem Before - Turbocharged After - Jumpstart Before - We agree on everything After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own? Before - Victoria's Secret After - Fruit-of-the-Loom Before - Charming and Noble After - Chernobyl Before - Feathers and handcuffs After - Ball and chain Before - Idol After - Idle Before - I love a woman with curves After - I never said you were fat Before - He's completely lost without me After - Why won't he ever ask for directions? Before - Time stood still After - This relationship is going nowhere Before - Croissant and cappuccino After - Bagel and instant Before - You look so seductive in black After - Your clothes are so depressing Before - Oysters After - Fishsticks Before - I can hardly believe we found each other After - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you Before - Passion After - Ration Before - Once upon a time After - The end ***************** After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. ***************** Quick and Dirty --------------- Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A. A cherry float. Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A. Beat it - we're closed. Q. Why do walruses go to tupperware parties? A. To find a tight seal. Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A. Melt them down, make a tire and call it a Goodyear. Q. What's the difference between sin and shame? A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. Q. What's the speed limit of sex? A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around Q. What's the ultimate rejection? A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me you little bastard!" Q. Why is air a lot like sex? A. because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? A. K9P Q. What's another name for pickled bread? A. Dill-dough Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? A. He heard the snowblower coming. ***************** A guy was in prison and as usual other inmates would gather around and ask what it was he did that got him in jail... He told them that he was in for Killing his wife. "Why did you do that? " they asked. "I came home and found her making love to my best friend so I shot her!" said he. "Damn!", said one of the inmates. "And what did you do to your best friend?", he added. "Oh," said the guy, "I just said ....BAD DOG....BAD DOG !!!" ***************** Men and Women Truisms: Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy Dumb man + smart woman = affair Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman : Before marriage and after marriage. ***************** The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, 'If you can read this you're too damn close' embroridered on her panties and bra. 'Yes madame,' said the clerk. 'I'm quite certian that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?' 'Braille,' she replied. ***************** "Yes, I came face to face with a lion once. To make matters worse, I was alone and weaponless..." "Goodness! What did you do?" "What could I do? First I tried looking straight into his eyeballs, but he kept crawling up on me. Then I thought of plunging my arm down his throat, grabbing him by the tail and turning him inside out, but I decided it would be too dangerous. Yet, he kept creeping up on me; I had to think fast..." "How did you get away?" "I just left him and passed on to the other cages." ***************** Why do we close our eyes when we kiss? For a truly graphic explanation of this phenomenon, close your eyes, press your nose against a mirror, and then open your eyes again. Not such a great view, huh? Seventy percent of the body's sense receptors are clustered in the eyes, making us a very visually oriented species. If you didn't close your eyes when kissing, you'd be too easily distracted by other things-like the frightful little details of your partner's face. ***************** I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. ***************** One year, at Duke, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UV for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool !" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire? ***************** College Humor "Contributions" Even though I was an engineering student at the University of Maryland, chemistry was a required course in my day. The Professor, on the first day of class, asked everyone to name the most outstanding contribution chemistry had made to society. When my turn came, I answered, "Blondes!" ***************** In one class, the Professor asked anyone to explain how they would measure the height of a building using an Aneroid Barometer. One student, short of knowledge but long on ingenuity replied, "I would lower the barometer on a string and measure the string." ***************** The professor of an economics class asked for an example of unremunerative outlay of capital. One student replied, "Taking one's sister out to dinner and the movies." ***************** It is because of the business sense demonstrated bellow. A Patel walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys of a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Patel replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?" ***************** The Rev. Jerry Falwell has stepped in to clean up children's television. A couple of months ago he 'outed' the apparently homosexual Tinky Winky, a character from the "Teletubbies" show, because: 1) He's purple, the gay color; 2) He has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol, and 3) He carries a purse, something all gay people do. But Falwell's work is far from over. Note the evidence below: FRED FLINTSONE -- His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team is "Twinkle-toes Flintstone." -- The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!" -- He wears an orange dress with little triangles on it. -- He hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma. BUGS BUNNY -- Often stands with hand on hip. -- Plays a hairdresser in one episode. -- Frequently dresses in drag. -- Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belt out Broadway show-tunes with his "buddy" Daffy - who, it's worth noting, has a lisp. POPEYE -- Eats lots of salad. -- Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't been on a ship in years. -- Does little sailor-dances. -- Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl. -- Best friend named Wimpy. BATMAN & ROBIN -- Robin's nickname: Boy Wonder. -- Batman's real name: Bruce. -- Both wear tights and hang out in a dark cave with an "older man." -- They're in great shape. -- They like to show each other their "grappling hooks." PEPPERMINT PATTY (from Peanuts) -- Has a deep, gravelly voice. -- Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals. -- Plays a mean game of football. -- Likes to taunt Charlie Brown. -- Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. -- Wears comfortable shoes. -- Nickname: Sir. THE PINK PANTHER -- 'Nuff said. ***************** ...Monica... A guy walks into his local bordello and picks out a girl. They go back to her room and discuss prices. She says, "It's $100 for a blow job, $200 for straight sex, and $250 for a Monica." "What's a Monica?" he asks. She explains, "That's where I blow you now and screw you later."