A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says,"Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the bread winner of the family,so call me Capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money,so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs,so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the WorkingClass,and your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying,so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." ***************** An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?" The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love." When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked, woman?" She responds, "This is the dress of love." "Well," he says to her, "go iron it." ***************** Golf ---- "Look," the golfer screamed at his caddy, "if you don't keep your big mouth shut, you'll drive me out of my mind." "That's no drive, mister," corrected the caddy. "That's a putt." **** Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year? Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn't you? **** Golfer: Why do you keep looking at your watch? Caddy: This isn't a watch, sir. It's a compass. **** Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf. Caddy: Oh, he's played with you, too, huh? **** Golfer: Caddy, why didn't you see where that ball went? Caddy: Well, it doesn't usually go anywhere, Mrs. Smith. You caught me off-guard. ***************** Tough Questions for Heterosexuals --------------------------------- 1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality? 2. When and how did you decide you were a heterosexual? 3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase that you may grow out of? 4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex? 5. Do you parents know you are straight? Do your friends and/or roomates know? 6. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who you are and keep it quiet? 7. Why do heterosexuals put so much emphasis on sex? 8. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to introduce others to their lifestyle? 9. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual. Do you consider it wise to expose children to heterosexual teachers? 10. Just what do men and women do in bed together? 11. Bearing in mind the current divorce rate, why are there so few stable relationships between heterosexuals? 12. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual? 13. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered aversion therapy? 14. Would you want your child to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they would face? ***************** Wedding tradition ----------------- A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other. The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!" The court room goes silent and Paddy, the Best Man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says, "Okay." "Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs." Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!" "Hurt?!" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!" ***************** At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organisations used to retire to the bar at the end of the days conferencing.(You may be aware of the custom). Anyway, on the last day a big session was on, and the bosses were feeling bullish. Bruce, CEO of Tooheys, Oz shouted to the barman. "In 'Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Tooheys New". Rob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next. "In thu States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all - give me a pint of Bud". Hans steps up next "In Germany we invented beer. Give me a Warsteiner the real King of beers." Jan, chief executive of Grolsch follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top. Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward. "Barman, give me a coke with ice please". The other three stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce says "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Paddy?" Paddy replies "Well, if you bastards aren't drinking, neither am I!" ***************** Whilst enjoying a drink with a friend one night, Dan decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, Dan being totally spent rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Dan begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the Dan. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation." ***************** A duck hunter is out one day having no luck. He hunts the whole morning and couldn't get a single kill. On the way home he comes up to a farm house and flying over the barnyard is a big flock of fat mallards. Seeing his last chance for success, he takes aim at what looked like the biggest duck in the flock and gave it both barrels. The duck fell from the sky and landed in the middle of a barnyard. As the hunter nears the barnyard and the dead duck, he sees he's got himself a beauty. But when he is a mere 20 paces from the duck, a farmer steps out of the barn, picks up the duck and heads for the house. "Hey!" said the hunter, "Come back with my duck!" "Your duck?" says the farmer, "It was lying dead in my barnyard; it's MY duck." "No! No! You don't understand!, shouts the hunter, "I shot it and it just happened to fall here. It's mine!" "Okay, city fella. We'll settle this the country way," says the farmer. "Country way? What's that?" says the hunter. "We take turns hitting each other as hard as we can," says the farmer. "Last man standing wins the duck.... That is, unless you're Yella." "Of course I'm not yellow," says the hunter. "Fine. Country way it is," says the farmer. "Since we're on my property, I'll go first." With that, the farmer takes a half step back, steadies himself, and kicks the hunter square in the groin as hard as he can. The hunter gasps, screams like an animal, falls on the ground, curls up in a knot, turns 3 shades of purple, and nearly dies. After a full half hour and with considerable difficulty, the hunter straightens up, gasps again, and in a high strained voice says, "Now... my... turn! The farmer reply: "Nah, I give up. Here's your duck." ***************** What Are Friends For? Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn." Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes, I have to admit that I did." "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did." "Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!" ***************** A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation. The group of women reported that the Computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on 2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. *************** The school inspector is assigned to the grade 4 class in one of the local schools. He is introduced to the class by the teacher. She says to the class : "Let's show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question". The inspector reasons that normally class starts with religious instruction, so he will ask a Bible question. He asks :"Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?" For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at him blankly. Eventually, Sipho raises his hand. The inspector excitedly points to him. Sipho stands up and replies : "Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I can assure you that it wasn't me." Of course the inspector is shocked at the answer and looks at the teacher for an explantion. Realising that he is perturbed, the teacher says: "Well, I've known Sipho since the beginning of the year, and I believe that if he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it." The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the principal's office and tells him what happened, to which the principal replies : "I don't know the boy, but I socialise every now and then with his teacher, and I believe her. If she feels that the boy is innocent, then he must be innocent". The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal's desk and in a rage dials the Minister of Education's telephone number and rattles the entire occurrence to him and asks him what he thinks of the education standard in S.A. The Minister sighs heavily and replies : "I don't know the boy, the teacher nor the principal, but just get three quotes and have the damn wall fixed!!"