I was scared at first. It was very wide, and very long, and it angled straight up. I decided I had to try it once. I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it. It felt weird at first. Then I got used to it. I went up and down, and up and down on it. I was really loving it. Now I ride on escalators all the time. **************** I took my fingers and slowly, gently stretched it apart. It was so pure and white. I licked it once, twice... I found I couldn't stop. I licked it faster and faster, and harder. I began to scrape my teeth against it. There it was, in my mouth! All sweet and creamy. I was done. I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookie. **************** I squeezed it gently at first, then a little bit harder. There seemed to be more and more of it. I moved it towards my lips. It was a strange and new sensation for me. I put it in my mouth and moved it around and around with my tongue. The time soon came when I knew I had to spit it out. It was quite an experience the first time I tasted toothpaste. **************** They were both round and firm. There was only the slightest difference between the two and it was hard. I used my other hand to grab the other one and twist it hard the other way. Now there's a brighter light bulb in the livingroom. **************** It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it on. It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet. Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip. Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes. **************** I knew it could be done. I wanted to try but I didn't know if I could do it. I called my friend. He said he knew how to do it = and would teach me. He put his arms around me and started. I watched nervously in the mirror. He finally finished and pulled back slowly. I felt relieved that it was over. I hate neckties. **************** It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting. I wasn't sure just what I wanted to do with it. I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better. I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it. But I decided on ketchup for my burger. **************** They were two of the biggest balls I had ever seen! They hung so heavy and low. I tried lifting them gently, but that wasn't enough. They had to be pulled, and I pulled on them very hard. They finally came. I moved them to a higher spot on the Christmas tree. **************** And Just What Were You Thinking???? Sick thoughts...... :) ******************************************************** The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job-if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate ." The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger." ******************************************************** A woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks "What is that?" The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos." The woman then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys one. The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, asks, "What is that shiny object?" She replies "It's a thermos." He asks, "What does it do?" She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." He then asks, "What do you have in there?" "Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle." ******************************************************** The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and rapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund. ******************************************************** A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked. "It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said the guy,"...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry,... You've had two warnings!" ******************************************************** A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please." "What's the problem, officer?" "You just ran that stop sign back there." "Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me." "Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution." "You gotta be kidding me!" "It's no joke, sir." "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution." "That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and registration." "You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?" "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately." "I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop." The policeman had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop? ******************************************************** Q. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common? A. They both want to know where all those Tomahawks are coming from! Q: What is the best Iraqi job? A: Foreign Ambassador Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? A: You only have to teach them to take off. Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo? B-52...F-16...B-2 Q: What is Iraq's national bird? A: Duck Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile? A: Aeroflot has killed more people. Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone? A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble. Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats? A: So they can see their Air Force. Q: Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss? A: He elected to receive