A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asks the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing" Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" OK, the man thought, I'll give it a try, so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried and put away. Great, thought the man. Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. 15 minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went. 15 minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. 45 minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede. As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?" "Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my boots!!!" ********************** A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby. Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after." "Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus." ********************** A Day at the Races Horses in the race are: 1. Passionate Lady 6. Clean Sheets 2. Bare Belly 7. Thighs 3. Silk Panties 8. Big Johnson 4. Conscience 9. Heavy Bosum 5. Jockey Shorts 10. Merry Cherry At the Post They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot. At the Halfway Mark It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson. At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is making a final drive. Passionate Lady is coming. At The Finish Its Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head. Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pull up. Clean Sheets never had a chance......... ********************** A little old lady with blue hair entered the lingerie shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l s-s-sexual aids h-here?" The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do." The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this l-l-ong?" "Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size." Forming a circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?" "Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big." "D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?" "Yes ma'am, one of them does." "W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?" ********************** This little 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today." "Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!" says the mom. Later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. he's been really bad today." Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy. "Alright! That's my boy!" says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!" So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad. The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore." ********************** Four friends are playing golf one Saturday morning. As they step up to the 1st tee, the first golfer says, "You guys have no idea what I had to do to get here...I had to promise my wife that we would finally go to Europe for our vacation!". "That's nothing", says the second golfer, "I had to promise my wife that we would finally redo the kitchen that she has been buggging me about!". "You think that's bad", says the third, "I had to buy her that new convertible that she has been eyeing!". The fourth golfer just looks at his friends and shakes his head. "You're all chumps", he says. "This morning I woke up, gently began carressing my wife's shoulders, and I whispered in her ear 'golf course or intercourse?', and she said 'don't forget your sweater!'. ********************** Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them. ********************** Ask the clerk at Fanny Farmer to see either one, and mumble something about false advertising on the way out. Stand in front of a Victoria's Secret show window with a clipboard. Stop various men, point to a really skimpy item, and ask, "If I was willing to model that for you, would you buy it for me?" Ask the security guard why the "Seeing Eye Dogs Only" sign isn't printed in braille. And, "If I'm not blind, but I brought along my sister's Seeing Eye Dog, would that be OK?" In the Formal Wear Store, ask, "Do you rent tuxedos for funerals?" Then ask, "How do you get them back?" In the Cutlery Store, point to a particluar knife, then ask, "Is this like the one Norman Bates used?" Smile broadly, and ask the clerk, "By the way, are YOU single?" At Taco Bell, ask them, "Which way is the border?" Then run. ********************** WORDS EVERY WOMAN CAN APPRECIATE: God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before creating a masterpiece. Once heard from a girl who just broke up with someone: "My boyfriend and I were not compatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an asshole." My boyfriend said that for his physical, the doctor needed a urine specimen, a stool sample, and a semen specimen. I told him, "Just give him your underwear." There are three things a man over 40 should never forget: Never pass up the opportunity to take a leak. Never trust a fart. Never take a hard-on for granted. Women have their faults. Men only have two: Everything they say and everything they do. Wieners come in packs of 10, buns in packs of 8, beer in packs of 6, presliced bologna in packs of 16, condoms in packs of 3. Why can't they get it straight. Men need a calculator just to have a weekend. Diamonds are a girl's best friends. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex? Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man. Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender? MENstruation MENopause MENtal breakdown GUYnecology HIMmorrhoids ********************** A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the BRONZED RAT, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the Bronzed Rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a Bronzed Lawyer." ********************** Here's a list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong -- 1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. 2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. 3. Gun wounds again? 4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. 5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries. 6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken! 7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants. 8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? 9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up. 10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken. 11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out! 12. You daring lousy guy. 13. Beat him out of recognizable shape! 14. I have been scared shitless too much lately. 15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair! 16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected. 17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold? 18. How can you use my intestines as a gift? 19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert floor for your aunts to eat. 20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination. 21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team uptogether and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.