Rather Slow ----------- Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them." The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: "Small world." ************** Food for thought ---------------- You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you! So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live. Honk If You Want To See My Finger. Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it. It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. ************** Joining... ---------- A young man decided to join the police force. As a recruit he was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup." ************** Drunk-Talk ---------- Drunk #1: "Do you know what time it is?" Drunk #2: "Sure." Drunk #1: "Thanks." ************** The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day. The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming. After a few seconds he rose and said "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?" Tonto replied, "Face sticky." ************** A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb. When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was. The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got." ************** There was this little boy who woke up 3 nights in a row to hear his parents making noises from their bedroom. On the 3rd morning, the little boy finally asked his mom, "Mom, for the last 3 night I waked up during the night, and I hear you and daddy making noises from your room. Why?" Surprised by the question the mom replies, "Well... I am jumping up and down on him because he is so fat, that it makes him feel thin." Then the boy said, "That won't work mom!" The mom asks, "Why?" The boy then says, "Because after you leave for work every morning, the lady from next door comes by and pumps dad right back up!" ************** One day a horny guy got tired of jacking off all the time so he started thinking, "Hmm.. I got to have a woman." He looks all over his house for money, but all he finds is two bucks. So he goes to the local whore house and says to a lady at a desk, "I need a woman", and the lady responded with, "How much money do you have?" He threw down the two dollars and she laughed at him and said, "You can't buy sex with a woman for two dollars!" The guy felt horrible and almost started to cry, but a woman at another desk says, "Wait, for two dollars, I will let you fuck this chicken here!" The guy immediately says, "No way, I ain't fucking no chicken!" and the runs back home. When he gets home, all he can think about is that chicken. He started to want the chicken more than a woman. So the next day he goes back to the whore house, drops the money on the desk and says, "Give me the chicken." So the lady gives him the chicken and tells him to go into the first room down the hall and to be back in an hour. So he goes into the room with a giant window on one side and starts fucking the chicken. He fucks the chicken fifteen times and he does it so hard that he almost kills the chicken. He brings the nearly dead chicken back to the woman at the desk and leaves. When he gets home, all he can think about is how great that chicken was, and how badly he wanted to fuck another chicken, so he borrows $5 from a friend and goes back to the whore house and says, "Give me the chicken, I need another chicken", and the lady says, "You almost killed my other chicken, I won't let you harm another one." So he pleads, "Can't you give me something like a cat or a goat or something?" The lady says, "Hmm.. I guess I could let you watch two women finger each other." The guy stops and thinks about and decides that wouldn't be to bad and he gives her the money. She tells him to goto the second door down the hall next to the room he was in yesterday. He goes to the room and looks at many rows of chairs in front of a giant window looking into a little room. He takes his chair along with several other guys. The lights dim and two completely nude girls walk into the little room and start fingering each other. The guy says to the person sitting next to him, "Man this is great, huh." And the person responds with, "Sure is. You should have been here yesterday when a guy fucked a chicken." ************** There was a girl who needed to go take a shower, but her mom was in there already. Her mother says, "You can take a shower with me if you don't look up or down." The girl looks down and asks what is that? Her mother says, "My grass." Then she looks up and asks what those are. Her mom says those are her headlights. The next day she needs to take a shower, but her dad is in there. Her dad says it's okay to come in, but don't look down! She looks down and says, "What is that?" Her dad says, "My snake." That night, the girl has a bad dream and wants to go sleep with her parents. After she gets in bed with her parents she says, "Mommy! Mommy! Turn on your headlights because there is a snake in the grass!" ************** Three door-to-door vacuum-cleaner salesmen show up at a farmhouse one afternoon and the kindly farmer agreed to buy a vacuum from each if they'll keep their hands off his *VIRGINAL* daughter while he's at the bank getting the money. But when he gets back, he finds *ALL* *THREE* on top of his daughter. Pissed off, he fires a shotgun blast over their heads, marches them out to the garden and tells them each to pick TEN of any fruit or vegetable. The first salesman comes forward with ten peas. "Shove them up you ass," orders the farmer. The second guy turns up with ten tomatoes and gets the same order. He has some trouble getting them in, especially as he keeps cracking up with laughter, but finally gets the job done. "You're free to go," the farmer says to him, "but do you mind if I ask what's SO damn funny?" Collapsing with laughter once again, the salesman says, "The third guy is still out there, picking WATERMELONS." ************** A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he sees this beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar reading a book so he tells the bartender to send her a drink. The bartender sets the beer down in front of her but she didn't pay any attention to it and continues reading. The guy is a little disturbed so he tells the bartender to send another drink, but again she ignores it and continues reading. The guy thinks to himself, "Maybe I should try one more time." So he tells the bartender to send her one more beer, but again she ignores it and keeps reading. Now the guy is getting a little upset so he decides to go talk to this woman. He walks up and says, "Excuse me miss, but I just bought you 3 beers and you ignored all of them. May I ask why?" She replies, "I'm sorry I was too wrapped up in this book of male genitalia. Did you know that Indian men have the widest fattest dicks?" "Um, no I didn't know that." "And did you know that Mexicans have the longest dicks of any men?" "Nope, didn't know that one either." The woman then extends her hand and says, "My name is Cathy, what is yours?" He said, "Tonto Rodriguez!" ************** There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened. "I'm not sure, but I think she choked". ************** There were three fleas sleeping on this woman, one on her head, the other in her armpit, and the other in her pussy. In the morning after they woke up, they met together on a dog. They were talking and they each asked how each other slept. The first replied, "I slept on this really hard place, it had some hair, but it was very uncomfortable." The second replied, "I slept in this one place that was kinda wet, but it was warm and very comfortable." And then the last flea replied, "I slept in this dark cave and it was really nice. But as I was sleeping this big bald monster came in, woke me up, slammed me against the wall a few times, and then spit in my damn face." ************** This doctor is considering specializing in sex disorders. He calls a local clinic and asks if he can get a tour of their facility. The Clinic Administrator tells the doctor that would be fine and to come right on over. As they're walking through the hospital, the doctor sees this guy jerking off in the middle of the hallway. He asks the Administrator what's going on. The Administrator explains that the guy suffers from Hyper Spermatogenisis, that is, unless he gets off several times a day, his balls will explode! A few minutes later they turn the corner and see a guy standing in the hallway getting a blow job from this beautiful nurse. The doctor inquires as to this guy's condition. The Administrator explains to the doctor that this man has the same problem as the other guy, but he as a much better health plan! ************** Like my wife ------------ A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son-of-a-bitch!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her." ************** Enthusiasm ---------- An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" He Salesman says, "why do you ask?" She says "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet." ************** Webster's Windows95 Definition ------------------------------ Windows95: N. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition. ************** In it 4 tha money ----------------- A thief stuck a pistol in a gentleman's ribs and said, 'Give me your money.' The gentleman shocked by the sudden attack said, 'You cannot do this, I am a congressman.' The thief said, 'In that case, give me my money.' ************** New Technology -------------- The airplane took off with a full load of passengers. Ten minutes into the flight the loud speaker announced: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. You are privileged to be riding on the very first pilotless flight. Do not panic. This flight is backed by the finest technology in the world today. It has been planned by the United States Army and is sanctioned by the United States Government. Absolutely nothing can go wrong go wrong go wrong go wrong... ************** All wrong --------- Sometimes advertisers get it all wrong. Here are some funny examples of advertising campaigns that ended up being entirely inappropriate! 1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea". 2. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had a use for the "manure stick". 3. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa). 4. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese. 5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read. 6. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate". 7. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth". 8. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant". OOPS!