Grandma and Grandpa were sitting on their rocking chairs one lazy afternoon, Grandpa started feeling spry and reached over and gave Grandma's breast a squeeze and said: "You know Ma, if this would give milk we could get rid of the cow." To that Grandma said, "Yep we sure could." After a while Grandpa reach over to Grandma's crotch and gave it a pat and said, "You know Ma, if this could give eggs we could get rid of the hickens." Grandma said, "Yep we sure could." After a short while Grandma reached over to Grandpa and started stroking his Jewels and said, "You know Pa, if this could get hard we could get rid of your brother." **************** Froggystyle ----------- There is this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk pulling a wagon and dragging a flattened frog on a string behind it, when he comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute. He knocks on the door and the madam comes to answer it, sees him and asks what he wants. He says he wants what she is selling inside, and has the money to buy it and isn't leaving until he gets it. She thinks she could have some fun with him, so she tells him to come in. Once he gets in, she tells him to pick one of the girls he likes. He asks her if any of the girls have any diseases and, of course, the madam says no. He tells her he has heard all the men in town talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mabel, and she's the girl he wants and he has the money to pay for it. The madam tells him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right. So he heads down the hall dragging the frog behind him. Ten minutes later, he comes back down, still dragging the frog. He pays the madam, picks up his wagon and starts to head out the door. The madam stops him and asks him just why he picked the only girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others. He replies, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my mother and father are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. When they leave, I'm going to make love to the baby-sitter and give her the disease I just caught. When mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter home and, on the way, he will make love to her and he'll catch it. When dad gets home, he and mom will go to bed and they'll make love and mom will catch it. In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk and he'll make love to mom and he'll catch it, and HE'S THE SON-OF-A-BITCH WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!" **************** Green balls ----------- Q) What do you have when you've got two little green balls in your hand? ... A) Kirmit's undivided attention **************** Reagan's adventures ------------------- One day several years ago, President Reagan was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge--a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" She replied, "$200." To the brunette he made a similar proposition. Her reply was "$200." He made the same offer to the redhead. Her reply was... "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, get my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, keep it as high as the gas prices, keep me warmer than my apartment, and screw me the way you do the public, believe me, Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a damn cent..." **************** Place and time: Somewhere in the Soviet Union in the 1930s. The phone rings at KGB headquarters. "Hello?" "My neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his woodshed." "This will be noted." The next day, the KGB goons go over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Rabinovitz, and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house. "Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?" "Yes." "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yes, they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed." **************** Green, Pink & Yellow -------------------- A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says, "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with him, "No, noooo, Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The border patrol agent thinks to himself, 'I'm going to make it hard for him', and says "OK, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence." The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The three words are: green, pink and yellow. Now use them in one sentence." The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, "Hmmm, OK. The phone, it went green, green, green... I pink it up, and sez yellow?" **************** Happily Married --------------- Then there was the couple that got married and was happy about the whole thing. He was happy about the hole, she was happy about the thing. **************** A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed." **************** A mother had three daughters and on their wedding she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life. The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffeehouse". The Mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said; "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother was happy. Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read; "Rothmans". So the Mother looks for the Rothmans ad, and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is happy. Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. She found one and fainted. The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS." **************** An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments." After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it." Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?" Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!" **************** Sporting Quotes Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year-old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago. David Coleman It's a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs. David Coleman We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite. Murray Walker After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought. Bobby Robson And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand. David Coleman Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator. John Arlott Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand. Ted Lowe Jimmy Hill: Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables: I think it's 50-50. Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play. Peter Lorenzo We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised. Ian McNail I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. Winston Bennett I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost. Frank Bruno Henry Horton's got a funny stance. It looks as if he's shitting on a shooting stick. Brian Johnston There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes. David Coleman There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people. David Coleman The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical. Murray Walker I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel. Stuart Pearce She's not Ben Johnson - but then who is?" David Coleman I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. Greg Norman Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious. Alan Minter The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval. It's long and square. Trevor Bailey The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball. John Francombe Watch the time, it gives you an indication of how fast they are running. Ron Pickering Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers. Murray Walker Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides likeBrazil than English sides like Wales. Ron Greenwood A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from a stress fracture of the shin. Jo Sheldon The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation. Ron Pickering That's inches away from being millimetre perfect. Ted Lowe Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him. Stuart Pearson I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right. Marlon Starling If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again. Terry Venables I can't tell who's leading, it's either Oxford or Cambridge. John Snagge - Boat Race Commentator The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, absolutely round. Tony Cozier **************** An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing" shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback." **************** A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do some business. "That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so's you know which one I want him to impregnate." Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town. That afternoon, the "Inseminator" arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. "There's the nail so this is the cow right here." she tells him. "What's the nail for?" the guy asks. Replies the wife, "I guess it's to hang up your pants."