A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it. God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc... She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?" To which God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you." ******************* When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed to be cleaned.. because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself. I, pleasantly surprised by his candor, asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first." ******************* Everyone brought teacher a gift. 1st child gave her a gift. The teacher knew her parents owned a candy store. So she thought oh candy. She shook the box it rattled so she said candy 1st child said your right. 2nd child gave her a gift she shook it. Her parents owned a bakery teacher said cookies the child said your so right. Little boy handed her his box and it was leaking so she new his parents owned a liquor store. she touched her lip she said wine he said no. She tasted it again and said champagne. No said the boy your wrong he said its a puppy. ******************* At The Pool Party... One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, him and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool. The guy gets up on the life guard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says "OK, the first person the swims across my pool will get all my money." No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house." Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person the swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes." Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own." "Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on tower jumps down and runs over to him. "That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?" "I don't want the money." "Do you want the house now or later?" "I don't want the house." "Do you want the cars and planes now or later?" "I don't want the cars or the planes." "Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?" "I don't want that either." "Do you want the drugs now or later?" "I don't want the drugs." "Do you want the girls now or later?" "I don't want the girls." The rich guy looks at him and says "Well what the hell do you want?!?!" "I want the bastard that pushed me in." ******************* A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, "Those hives are pretty close to the road." The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone. The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn't stung then he would pay the farmer double the price. The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the tree. The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale. "Oh no, the farmer thought, he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!" As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed a doctor. "No, no, I'm okay," gasped the naked man, "I'll pay you double for the farm, but doesn't that damn calf have a mother?" ******************* Two drunks were in a tavern sitting at the bar and staring into their drinks. One got a curious look on his face and asked, "Hey, Pete! You ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?" "Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years." ******************* · Sara Pippilina Three nuns were killed in a freak automobile accident. St. Peter was so surprised when they showed up at Heaven. He told them that their accommodations weren't ready yet and said they could go back to earth for six months as anyone they chose. The first nun said she wanted to be Sophia Loren. Poof! It was done. The second nun said she wanted to be Madonna. Poof! It was done. The third nun said she wanted to be Sara Pippilina. St. Peter was taken aback. "Who is that?" he asked. She said, "She's famous! She's in all the newspapers!" She gave him the paper she was holding. When he calmed after the laughing fit, St Peter said, "My dear, this says that the Sahara Pipeline was laid by 500 men in seven days!" ******************* Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school? A: A fucking know-it-all. ******************* Jon's wife went to see her lawyer. "So tell me why you want a divorce," he asked. "My husband keeps bringing his work home with him." "Well," the lawyer replied, "lots of men bring work home. What's wrong with that?' "His job is to interview future White House interns!" she exclaimed! ******************* Q. What's 69 and 69? A. Dinner for four. ******************* The new American Ambassador was being entertained by an African Diplomat. They had spent the day discussing the progress the country had made with the Russians before kicking them out. "They built us a power plant, an airport, and taught us how to drink vodka and play Russian roulette," stated the African Diplomat. The American Ambassador looked pained and said, "Russian roulette is a dangerous game." "Oh, quite so," said the Diplomat, "that's why we invented African roulette. In our version, no one gets killed... Would you like to play?" "If you assure me that no one gets killed, I'll give it a try," replied the American Ambassador, "how do you play? The African Diplomat clapped his hands and six gorgeous, completely nude black women, came wiggling in to the room. The diplomat then explained that the way the game was played was to simply choose the one you want to give you oral sex. Then we each sit back to back while these gorgeous women take care of us. The first one to make a sound of any kind loses. "That's a lot better and less risky than Russian roulette," stated the American Ambassador quite aroused, "Lets play." They each made their selections, disrobed, and sat down back to back. The American Ambassador quipped that this was going to be fun, but not dangerous like Russian Roulette. To which the African Diplomat replied. I forgot to mention, "One of the women is a cannibal." ******************* I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved. ******************* This is strictly for the men... to try at home... on your wife/girlfriend.. 1. Go and find your wife/girlfriend... 2. Stand some distance from her... 3. Take you index finger (the one beside your thumb) and wiggle it for her to come to you... 4. When she gets close.. put your mouth up to her ear 5. And whisper "I just wanted to see if I could make you come with one finger!" 6. RUN! ******************* Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would justkill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee. ******************* Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it? The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear, "Your sister likes this position too" ..... "Then try to hang on for 8 seconds." ******************* Artificial Insemintaion ----------------------- After much soul-searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants! "Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position. "Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor. "Well, yes, I do," answered the woman. "Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out of the bottled stuff. You'll just have to settle for what's on tap!" ******************* Violence 'n' Math ----------------- THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM NAME ____________________ GANG NAME ___________________ TAG ____________________ HOOD ____________________ 1). Little Jimmy has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload? 2). Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold? 3). Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit? 4). Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need? 5). Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900? 6). Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? Extra credit bonus: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money? 7). If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free? 8). Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up? 9). Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa on one week's income? 10). Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?