Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they werestuck in the hangar with nothing to do.Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too.Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna tryit?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then thephone rings...It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing.We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing...""What's that?""Have you farted yet?" "No.....""Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!" ****************************** Good 'n' Bad news ----------------- A man notices a peculiar rash on his chest. The rash continues to get worse and worse, so the man decides to see a doctor. He goes in to the clinic where the staff runs a battery of tests. After several minutes, the doctor comes back in the room and says, 'Sir, I've got good news and bad news. 'What would you like first?' 'Well,' says the man, 'I can take it. Give me the bad news first.' 'The rash you have is going to get worse. It will travel throughout your body, eventually even making it to your internal organs. It is a terminal disease, and my guess is you have 30 days to live.' 'My God!' says the patient. 'What's the good news?!' 'Well,' says the doctor, 'Did you see that beautiful receptionist, the one with the big boobs and the nice butt? I'm dating her!' ****************************** Food for thought ---------------- Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kosovo. Prevent inbreeding: ban country music. God must love stupid people, he made so many. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. ****************************** Five things you don't want to hear from Tech Support: ----------------------------------------------------- 1. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!" 2. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect." 3. "Your problem can be fixed, but you're going to need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery." 4. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with ‘60 minutes.' Press 3 if you're with the FTC." 5. "Hold on a second, please ... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!" ****************************** Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl." The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit." So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?" Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance." So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the friend. The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants." ****************************** All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications centre of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualise a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the centre of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "left wingers." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "right wingers." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as..."Mr. President." ****************************** A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was possibly this guy he met once named George, but the body was so badly burned, he needed somebody to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al. Joe came over to the body and said, "He's burned pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George." Thinking the incident strange, the mortician said nothing. He then brought in Al. Al takes a look at the body and said, "Wow, he's burned to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, the same reply, "Nope, that ain't George." The mortician said, "How can you tell?" Al replied, "George had two assholes." The mortician then said, "What?! How could he have two assholes?" Then Al replied, "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, 'Here comes George with those two assholes!'" ****************************** There's a bear and a rabbit in the woods and they come across a Golden frog, they think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he doesn't often meet people, but when he does he gives them six wishes. He tells them that they can have 3 wishes each. The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the forest be female. Which the frog immediately does. The rabbit after thinking for a while, asks for a crash helmet and one appears, which he places on his head. The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish, he Asks that all the bears in the neighbouring forests be female as well, and thus it is so! The rabbit then wishes that he could have a motorcycle, it appears before him, and he climbs on board and starts revving the engine. The bear cannot believe it, he remarks to the rabbit that he has wasted two wishes that he could of had for himself. Shaking his head, he makes his final wish, 'That all the other bears in the world be female as well. The frog replies that it has been done and they both turn to the Rabbit for his last wish. The rabbit revs up the engine and thinks for a second, and then says:- "I wish for the bear to be gay!" and promptly drives off as fast as he can ! ****************************** Donations --------- The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicit his donation, saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through TheUnited Way?" The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did you rresearch show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no." "Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off. "Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea." The lawyer then says, "Well then... and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?" ****************************** Top 10 Things you Don’t Want to Here During Surgery 10. I never knew you had that much blood in your body... 9. Nurse, stop playing around and pick that organ and pick it up off of the ground 8. Let's see just how long your intetines are 7. ...Jumper cables...socket wrench...blow torch... 6. How do you put in an I.V.? 5. Is blood supposed to come out of that? 4. What is that green stuff? 3. Hey! Look what happens when I squish it! 2. What's it mean when the little green line goes flat? 1. You want me to touch it? ****************************** Speechless? ----------- The eight-year old boy had never spoken a word-ever. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "Soup's cold." His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?" The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything's been okay." ****************************** Two sisters lived together, and one became quite ill. Actually her doctor told her she had but a short time to live. She spoke to her sister and said " Jennie, when I die and you put up a gravestone, I want you to inscribe it just the way I tell you. "I want them to put my name on it and underneath": "BORN A VIRGIN" "LIVED A VIRGIN" "DIED A VIRGIN" She died shortly thereafter, and Jennie went to the maker of tombstones and explained what inscription she wanted. The gravestone maker told her that there were simply too many words to be put on a headstone. Jennie complained that those words were her sisters dying request and the gravestone maker reassured her that he would see what he could do. In about a month the gravestone maker called Jennie and told her the tombstone was ready, and that he had complied with her dead sisters wishes as best as he could. Jennie looked at the tombstone and across the top was her sister's name just as she had asked, and underneath that was printed: RETURNED-UNOPENED ****************************** A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked. "No, Father. Just a little gas." Sister Susan explained. A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again. "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart." ****************************** Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. ****************************** Making donations ---------------- A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh." ****************************** Accident -------- "How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door. "It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street. He'd been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course and all my training came back to me in a minute." "What did you do?" asks the bartender. "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"