A businessman on his way home from the centre of Cape Town found himself in a De Waal Drive traffic jam. Noticing a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars he asked about the holdup. The Officer replied, "Alan Boesak is so depressed about his fraud trial, he's stopped his Mercedes in the middle of the road and is threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. "He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the R16.5-million he owes his creditors. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him." "How much have you collected so far", asks the motorist? "So far only about three hundred litres but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning." ********************** Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." (that's Aeroplane... silly Yanks) Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, you can be sure everything has shifted." From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children." As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight! Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways." ********************** Deep Thoughts ------------- My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10 I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11 I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13 I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a ot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7 ********************** Making Love-contest ------------------- Two young men decided to make a bet as to which one of them could make love more times in one night. They agreed that sunrise would be the end of the contest and each went to their respective motel rooms. The more boastful of the two.....went right to it and made love to his date... leaned over and marked a "l" on the wall.... Feeling sprightly, he went again... and once again at the completion of the act ..marked another "l" on the wall - next to the first. Figuring he had the bet in the bag.. he decided to relax a bit and in relaxing....fell asleep. Awakened by the sun's rays coming in the window... he quickly grabbed his lady and did it one more time and marked another "l" on the wall... Just at that time, His friend enters...and upon seeing the marks on the wall exclaims: "DAMN- a hundred and eleven... beat me by three...." ********************** 2-in-1 Coke & Burger -------------------- After the recent Anti-trust hearings, Bill Gates recently compared the software market with the soft drink market. He says Microsoft is struggling to survive but that the beverage giant will be on top forever because the Department of Justice doesn't pick on them. Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a scenario like the following: Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, I'd like a Big Mac. Cashier: Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke. That'll be $3.99. Joe: Uh, I don't want a Coke. Cashier: Sorry, they're bundled. Joe: What? I'm not paying for a Coke! Cashier: You don't - the Coke is free. Joe: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week? Cashier: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It's got integrated Coke! Joe: I already bought a Snapple across the street... I'm not going to drink the Coke. Cashier: Then you can't have the burger. Joe: Okay, fine, I will pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away. Cashier: Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated. Totally inseparable. Joe: How can that be? They're two totally separate things! Cashier: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See? Joe: Why did you just do that?! Cashier: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up with two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you're assured of continuous taste across all your foods. Joe: Aaarrgh! ********************** SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS (You know the type-feel good, look good kind) --------------------------------------------- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. We put the "k" in "kwality." Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation. Plagiarism saves time. If at first you don't succeed, try management. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself. The beatings will continue until morale improves. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. We waste time, so you don't have to. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment. We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day. You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore. ********************** Final words ----------- An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists. The terrorist leader said: "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about." The Englishman replied: "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown." The Canadian replied: "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity." The American replied: "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking." ********************** The Y zero K problem -------------------- Dear Cassius, Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute. I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hour glass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem and will send you a parchment if anything further develops. Vale. ********************** Bumper Stickers --------------- (some of these you may already know from older issues, but these are just too funny to share only once! ; P) * So many stupid people . . . so few comets. * Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * All generalizations are false. * Cover me. I'm changing lanes. * I brake for no apparent reason. * I'm not as think as you drunk I am. * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. * Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. * Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. * Born free . . . Taxed to death. * The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. * Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep. * All men are idiots, and I married their King. * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. * Work is for people who don't know how to fish. * I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. * If you don't like the news, go out and make some. * Sorry, I don't date outside my species. * No radio--Already stolen. * I took an IQ test and the results were negative. * Where there's a will, I want to be in it. * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? * Few women admit their age; fewer men act it. * I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. * IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. * Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students. * It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * How can I miss you if you won't go away? * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. * Give me ambiguity or give me something else. * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. * Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. * Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. * Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * i souport publik edekashun. * Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. * Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? * Ever stop to think and forget to start again? * Keep honking . . . I'm reloading. * Caution: I drive like you do.