Canadians --------- On the sixth day of creating earth God said to his Archangel Micheal, "I am going to create Canada. I'll give them lots of fish and fertile land so they can have food. I will give them Oil, Coal, and other minerals so that they can prosper, and they will be known as the nicest people on the planet." Then Micheal says, "Aren't you being a little nice to these 'Canadians'?" God says, "Not really, wait until you meet their neighbours!" ******************** Two Dogs -------- A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." "They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one. "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma. "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they screw you every time!" ******************** Why Cats Are Better Than Men ---------------------------- - A CAT always hits the litterbox. - Better chance of training a CAT. - No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don't have to pretend you like it. - You never have to spend time with your CAT's mother. - If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you. - A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner. - You can de-claw a CAT... try to get a guy to clip his toenails. - It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend. - You don't have to worry about your CAT turn into a pig when you host a party. - A CAT knows you're the key to his happiness... a man thinks he is. - If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him. ******************** Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After a temper tantrum, his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your Friend, Leroy. Unfortunately, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a brat). So he ripped up that letter and decided to give it another try... Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Leroy. Later, Leroy realized that this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up also. The next one read as follows: Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Leroy Then Leroy looked deep down into his heart, which was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of nothing. He crumpled up the last letter, threw it in the trash and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about, depressed because of the way he treated his parents. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic church. Leroy went inside and knelt down, not knowing what he should do. Finally, he got up and began to walk out, looking at all the statues on the way. All of a sudden, he grabbed a small one and ran. He went home, hid the statue under his bed and wrote this letter: Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. You know who. ******************** Something nice... ----------------- Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo." ******************** Top 10 Signs Your Child Has Grown Too Old For Breast feeding (Thanks Sally) 10. He can open your blouse by himself. 9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other. 8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue. 7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt. 6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee. 5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine. 4. After each feeding, he has a smoke. 3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner. 2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos." 1. Beard abrasions on areola. ******************** "The lack of money is the root of all evil." -- Mark Twain "Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it." -- W. C. Fields "Absurdly improbable things happen in real life as well as in weak literature." -- Unknown ******************** "PROCRASINATOR'S CREED" 1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero. 8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. 10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task. 12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan. 13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized ******************** Passover is approaching. At the sedar table, every Jewish child will be retold the story of Moses and the Pharaoh, and how God brought boils, locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in spite of this overwhelming evidence of God's intentions, Pharaoh refused to let the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born children was inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes. Only after this tragedy did the Pharaoh relent and let the Jews leave slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land. This has been known for generations. What has not been known is why the Pharaoh, in the face of such overwhelming evidence would refuse to release the Jews after the first nine plagues. It took eight years of research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the renowned psychologist and nurse, to find the definitive answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer. And once found, it was obvious ... The Pharaoh was still in de Nile. ******************** The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: [Check all those that apply] ___ Your breasts are bigger than mine. ___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it. ___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing. ___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality. ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one. ___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants. ___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate. ___ You failed the credit check. ___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing. ___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable. ___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation. ___ You still live with your parents. ___ You mention your ex-girlfriend's name more than you mention mine. ___ Three words: Size does matter. Sincerely, [Your name here] ******************** "He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front." ~ Milton Berle "Oysters are supposed to enhance your sexual performance, but they don't work for me. Maybe I put them on too soon." ~ Garry Shandling "My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is." ~ Ellen Degeneris ******************** An elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, when a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her. "Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich." POOF! The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold. "And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess." POOF! The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels. "Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse "woof." "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?" There, in front of the old woman, who was now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you had me neutered." ******************** A lady was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates... "I know you haven't been getting much lately...but I didn't know you were so worried about it!" ******************** Why do we have orgasms? How else would we know when to stop? ******************** Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you ever get to feeling horny?" "Yes," her friend replied. "What do you do about it?" "I usually suck on a Lifesaver." After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do you go to?" ******************** This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"