Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man clutching a clipboard and yelling: "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Japanese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Please go away!" and shuts the door in the Japanese man's face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, get lost!! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" then slams the door in the Japanese man's face again. The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Japanese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are two large trucks full of wing mirrors. Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong man! Who do you want to give these to?!" The little Japanese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Main dealer?" ************************ If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?" Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why do women wear evening gowns to night-clubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night-gowns? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? "I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? Confucius say... Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Confucius say... Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly. Confucius say... Better to be pissed off than pissed on. Confucius say... He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok. Confucius say... Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand. Confucius say... Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long. Confucius say... Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak. Confucius say... Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip. Confucius say... Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honourable discharge. Confucius say.... Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent. Confucius say... Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants. Confucius say... Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy, feeling nuts. Confucius say... He who run behind bus get exhausted. Confucius say... Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion. Confucius say... Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck. Confucius say... He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs. ***************************** A newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey kid, does it ever stop raining around here?" The boy replies, "How should I know? I'm only 6." ***************************** This kid was playing around, and then he ran into a tree, and he poked his eye out. So, he ran inside to his mother and said, "Mom! I poked my eye out!" and she said,"I think we better go to a doctor." So they go to the doctor. The doctor says,"I can give you a glass eye for $100" but the mom says,"We're poor we can't afford that." so he says,"I can give a wood eye for $10." and she takes it.Years pass and he gets made fun of and doesn't really have any friends. Soon there is a school dance and even though he doesn't have a girlfriend he still goes. He was standing in the corner and he saw a girl standing at the other corner, and she has a hare lip. He goes up to her and says, "Would you like to dance?" and she says, "Would I! Would I!" and he says, "Hare lip! Hare lip!" ***************************** Was heard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando. "When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you." ***************************** Things that make you go Hmmm.... How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? ***************************** Why Dogs Should Be President They work well together. They work for the good of the pack. They protect their young and their elders. They do not kill indiscriminately. They do not lie, cheat or steal. They won't spend money redecorating the White House. They do not read Newspapers, watch TV or give interviews. Their clothes don't have zippers or pockets. They don't indulge in fantasies. They can be NEUTERED! ***************************** What a perfect woman would say... --------------------------------- 1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste. 2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? 3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy! 4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome! 5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust! 6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again? 7. You're so sexy when you're hungover. 8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. 9. Let's subscribe to Hustler. 10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? 11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses. 12. I'll be out painting the house. 13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too. 14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see! 15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. 16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed. 17. Your mother did a great job raising you. 18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs. 19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever. 20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies? 21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint! 22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8. 23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings. 24. That was a great fart! Do another one! 25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya... ***************************** Hiccups ------- A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. "What did you do that for?" the man asks. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?" The man exclaims, "I don't have the hiccups! My wife does!" ***************************** Hellooooooooooo nurse! ---------------------- A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermateolegical abnormalities." "That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks. "Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes." ***************************** A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied... "My wife's first husband." ***************************** A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!" ***************************** Hmmm... ------- Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. The introduction of the new "security enhanced" Pentium III has prompted Microsoft to change its slogan to, "We know where you went today." ; ) If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? ***************************** Touching -------- A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass on the street near the edge of the course. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt. One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, just to pay your respects." "Well, we were married for 25 years." ***************************** TOP 10 REASONS WHY EMAIL IS LIKE A PENIS: 10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off. 9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior. 8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. 7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy." 6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done. 5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun. 4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses. 3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble. And the number ONE reason Why E-mail is Like a penis..... 1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind! ***************************** What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and O.J. Simpson? Christopher Reeves got the electric chair!....and O.J walked! ***************************** Subject: Together At Last Maria is a devoted, religious girl. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but you do mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs." ***************************** If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie? ***************************** Newspaper Ads Illiterate? Write today for free help. --- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. --- Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. --- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. --- Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. --- Stock up and save. Limit: one. --- Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. --- 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. --- Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. --- Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. --- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 --- For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. --- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. --- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. --- For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. --- Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. --- Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it. --- Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. --- Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours. --- Man, honest. Will take anything. --- Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first. --- Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. --- Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential. --- Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. --- Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. --- Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. --- And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. --- We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. ***************************** NOTICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving south. 1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly. 2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. 3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself. 5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive. 6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" 7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either. 8. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol," as in "big ol truck," or "big ol boy." 9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle. 10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear. 11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased. 12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. 13. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December. 14. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do! 15. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed. 16. Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.