Sherlock Holmes... Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see". Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars". Holmes: "And what does that tell you?" Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent". **************************************************************** Good Salesman........ A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up. The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One" said the young salesman. "Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "One hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars" said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him,"Your weekend's fucked, you may as well go fishing." **************************************************************** Chelsea wakes up 3 nights in a row when she hears a thumping sound coming from her parents' room. Finally one morning, she goes to Hillary and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." Hillary is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah.... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." Chelsea says, "Well, that won't work" and Hillary asks, "Why?" Chelsea replies, "Because after you leave each day Miss Lewinski comes by and blows him back up!" **************************************************************** Coming to the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!" "Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely. "See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home, and we stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!" "Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender. "Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head! "Yeech!" the bartender shook his head."No wonder you're in a lousy mood." "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? My goddamned forehead!" "Damn, that's really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out the window and let loose right on my head!" The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!" **************************************************************** Remember This A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at theback that get killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular attrition of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers! **************************************************************** Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?" First little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange..." Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown..." Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks.."Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK... then I have DEFINITELY shit in my pants..." **************************************************************** THE TWELVE DAYS OF X'MAS. December 14 Dearest John, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and affection, Aberdeen ----- December 15 Dearest John, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, Two Turtle Doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. You big silly, what next? All my love, Aberdeen ----- December 16 Dear John, Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - Three French Hens. They are just darling, but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Aberdeen ----- December 17 Dear John, Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now, really, they're beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Aberdeen ----- December, 18 Dearest John, What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all these birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Aberdeen ----- December 19 Dear John, When I opened the door there were actually Six Geese A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are complaining, and I can't sleep through the racket. Please Stop. Cordially, Aberdeen ----- December 20 John: What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming. What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night, and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny, so stop with those fucking birds. Sincerely, Aberdeen ----- December 21 Okay Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with Eight Maids-A-Milking? It's not enough with all those birds and maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows. There's shit all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. What are you doing to me? Just lay off me, smart-ass! Aberdeen ----- December 22 Hey Shithead: What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there's Nine Pipers Playing. And Christ, do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours, Aberdeen ----- December 23 You Rotten Prick: Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why they call those sluts ladies. They have been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm going to sic the police on you. One who means it, Venomously, Aberdeen ----- December 24 Listen Fuckhead: What's with the Eleven Lords-A-Leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine. You're sworn enemy, Aberdeen ----- Law Offices Snotty, Snotty, and Poopypants December 26 Dear Sir, This is to acknowledge your latest gift of Twelve Fiddler's Fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Aberdeen McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at the Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Snotty, Snotty, and Poopypants. (from 'The State') **************************************************************** Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took 2 years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the U.S. study were incorrect. After 3 years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the German study were released, Poland decided to conduct their own study. The Poles didn't really trust the U.S. or German studies. So after nearly 3 weeks of intensive research at a cost of right around $75, the Polish study reached a conclusion. The reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.