Funeral ------- One day, a farmer's mother-in-law came down to his farm. A few days later, she was killed when the mule on the farm kicked her. Thousands of people from town who had heard about the death came to the poor lady's funeral, some that the farmer didn't even know. A minister noticed this, came up to the farmer, and asked, "Why are there so many people here?" The farmer answered, "Oh, their not here for the funeral, they want to buy the mule." ***************** Going on a trip --------------- Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said... "Disneyland Left" So they turned around and went home. ***************** Damn good sermon ---------------- After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand. He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!" The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house." The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a damn good sermon!" The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!" The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that Ithought it was so damn good, I put $5000. in that there collection plate." And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?" ***************** If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? ***************** A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what: if you can tell me one REALLY good deed that you did, you're in." So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader -- a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear. "Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! GO HOME BEFORE I TEACH YOU ALL A LESSON IN PAIN!'" Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? When did this happen?" "Oh, about two minutes ago." ***************** After the annual office party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think ?" "Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management, and insulted the Regional Director General to his face." "He's an asshole. I should have pissed on him." "You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday." ***************** Painting -------- Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." ***************** Blow Job -------- One day, a priest has been in the confessional too long and needs to take a bathroom break. The problem is that the confessional line is too long. In a flash of brilliance, he motions the janitor over and asks the janitor to take over for a few minutes. "But I won't know what to say." exclaims the janitor. "You've been to confession, so you know how it works. Besides there is a list of sins and penance's taped inside the booth." The Priest leaves and the janitor hears the first sinner: "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I gave a man a blow job." The flustered janitor cannot find blowjobs, fellatio, or oral sex on the penance sheet. Janitor motions over to the altar boy and asks, "What does father generally give for a blow job?" Alter boy responds, "Usually a Snickers and a Coke." ***************** Sexual Harassment. A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says,What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice. The woman replies,He's a midget. ***************** Paddy the Irishman, Charles the Englishman and Jimmy the Scot visited a st rip joint. The girl is shaking her stuff in front of them wearing a g-string. Paddy (showing off) pulls out a _20 bill, licks it and sticks it on her ass cheek. Charles (trying to show up Paddy) pulls out a _50 bill, licks it and sticks it on her other ass cheek. Jimmy pulls out his ATM card swipes it down the crack of her butt and puts the 20 and the 50 in his wallet. ***************** Checking Up ----------- A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?" "Nine..." ***************** Gimmicks -------- The hair-lipped toothbrush salesman comes in to his manager's office to give a report on his first week at work. "Well, how'd you do?" asks the manager. "Well thir, I thold two toothbrutheth." replied the salesman. "Two!" shouts the manager. "You're never going to make a living that way." "Well thir, I don't know what to do, people juth won't buy my toothbrutheth." The manager thinks and says, "Sounds to me like you need a gimmick." The salesman asks, "Whath's a geemick?" The manager explains, "A gimmick is something you use to entice, excite and motivate your customer about your product or service. A jingle, a slogan, something to make your customer feel a need for your product or service." The salesman goes, "Hmm, I gueth I'll have to get me a geemick." The salesman returns at the end of the next week to give his report. The manager asks, "Well son, how'd you do this week?" The salesman beams, "Well thir, I thold 185,353 toothbrutheth." The manager leaps up, "My gosh, what did you do?" The salesman grins and says, "I took your advith and got me a geemick." The manager excited now, says, "Well out with it son. What's your gimmick? We need to pass this on to the rest of the staff. We'll make millions!" The salesman says, "Well thir, I found me a real bithy thtreet corner and I thet up a table and a chair. On the table I put out thum chipth and dip. People would come up to the corner waiting to croth the thtreet and I would thay, 'Hey, while your waiting, how about thun chipth and dip?' They would thay, 'Thure!' Then they would take a chip, get 'em thum dip and thtart to eat it. Then they would say, 'Hey thith tath like thit!' I would say, 'It ith thit. Want to buy a toothbruth?' ***************** A lawyer married a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin." This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded: "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be. My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation. My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up. My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying-'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.' My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver. My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it. My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product. he just wasn't sure how to position it. My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it. My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was... - God I miss him! So now I've married you, and I'm really excited." "Why is that?," asked the lawyer. "Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!! I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!"