A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desire rises to a peak. His is just about to get frisky when she says "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to have a piss". Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why don't you go behind this hedge".She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous body and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer he reaches through a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror "My God Mary have you changed your sex!". "No" she replies", "I've changed my mind, I'm having a Shit instead". ******************************** It has come to our attention that a few copies of the New South African edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside South Africa. If you have one of the New South African editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The New South African edition may be recognised by looking at the opening screen. It reads "E WINDOWS 98" with a background picture of a Mageu bottle superimposed on a Orlando Pirates flag. It is shipped with a Black Label screen saver. New Features: OK = samblief cancel = Aikona Undo = auk! mistake! Redo = aikona, not mistake! Save = Ekke ek bere hom find = Ekke ek soek hom delete = Is not brooken, is lost!!!!! delete #2 = I em soo sorrrry! delete #3 = Is apartheid's fault!!!!!!! help = ah dunno start = stat settings = (pre-set on this edition) run = hamba personal folder = my thieengs Shut Down = Chaila Some programs that are exclusive to "E Windows 98" MS Werd = a word processor calculata = calculator scretch peppa = notepad Jive Box = CD player I Explora = Microsoft Internet Explorer piktchas = a graphics viewer Stockvel = M/S accounting software Shebeen = Shortcut to a website with a list of local off-sales and their prices. Black Label tax records = usually an empty file Fafi = game replacing Solitaire Also note: The Recycle Bin is labelled Dustbin Control Panel is known as 'Don' touch dees buttons!' We regret any inconvenience it may cause if you received a copy of the New South African edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. ********************************* On the same day, the Pope and Bill Clinton died. There was a major screw up. By accident, Bill Clinton was sent to heaven, while the Pope was sent to hell. IN HELL: The Pope: Excuse me Satan, there must be a great deal of confusion. I have lived my life as a servant of the Lord. There must be a slight misunderstanding. I should be in heaven with God. Satan: I can't believe they messed up again. There's no way you belong here. I'll contact heaven, but it's going to take 24 hours before we can fix it. The Pope: Worry not, my son. 24 hours later: Satan: Once again, we're sorry. You can leave now. Just make sure you tell Clinton to come here. The Pope: Sure thing. On the way to heaven, the Pope meets up with Clinton, half-way. The Pope: There was a mix up. You have to meet with your destiny. I, being highly religious, would take the fall for you. But my final dream is to meet the Virgin Mary. Bill Clinton: Thanks for the sympathy, but you're a day late. ********************************* Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny." "Oh, thank you! thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue and no balls. I'd say you must be a lawyer." ********************************* In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?" "Well," said the guy, "I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?" ********************************* The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" "After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday." "Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon......day" "Does anyone know another word." "I do, I do, me me me" replied Johnny. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." "Saturday." says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word, pick me....." Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful" "No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables." ********************************* I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. In my script it clearly said "Enter Juliette from the rear". ********************************* Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them. One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?" The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!" ********************************* A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?" She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall, muscular man smiles and starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?" She eagerly nods her head "yes!" As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this." *********************************** The man's guide to what a woman really wants when she says... "We need" = "I want" "It's your decision " = "The correct decision should be obvious by "Do what you want" = "You'll pay for this later." "We need to talk" = "I need to complain" "I'm not upset" = "Of course I'm upset, you moron!" "You're so... manly" = "You need a shave and you sweat a lot." "This kitchen is so inconvenient" = "I want a new house." "I need wedding shoes" = "the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white." "I heard a noise" = "I noticed you were almost asleep." "Do you love me?" = "I'm going to ask for something expensive." "How much do you love me?" = "I did something today you're really not going to like." "I'll be ready in a minute " = "Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V." "Is my butt fat?" = "Tell me I'm beautiful." "You have to learn to communicate." = "Just agree with me." "Are you listening to me!? " = "Too late, you're dead." "Do you like this recipe?" = "It's easy to cook, so you'd better get used to it." "I'm not yelling!" = "Yes I am yelling because I think this is important." *********************************** There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage. The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes." The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses." ********************************** Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other. The first kid leaned over and asked, "What are you in here for?" The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid said, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!" The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?" The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision." The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!" ********************************** A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughout his career, he had saved the foreskins of his patients in specimen jars as momentos, and now wished to fashion them into a souvenir. So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leathersmith, and asked him to craft an article of fine artistic quality. "I'll see what I can do," said the artisan, "Check back with me in one week." The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent article the leathersmith had made for him. The leathersmith presented him a wallet. "All those foreskins and you only make me a wallet?" exclaimed the surgeon. The leathersmith replied "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase." ********************************** Little Amanpreet was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So Amanpreet raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked him to be quick. Five minutes later Amanpreet returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted. The teacher sat Amanpreet down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Amanpreet looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way. Five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it". Frustrated, the teacher asked Jon, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom. So Jon and Amanpreet go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Jon, "Well, did you find it?" Jon is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards"