From: BobR754@aol.com BOY, WAS MY FACE RED!! (ô¿ô) (Õ¿Õ) ©¿©¬ (å¿å) (ô¿ô) (Õ¿Õ) ©¿©¬ (å¿å) (ô¿ô) //(º_º)\\ (from Woman's World - various issues) I was taking a shower when my two-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggested I take a closer look at it. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera! This is one holiday greeting my family will never forget! (D.D. Duluth, Minnesota) (å¿å) (ô¿ô) (Õ¿Õ) ©¿©¬ (å¿å) (ô¿ô) //(º_º)\\ I needed to go grocery shopping and run some errands, so I took my preschooler with me. I gave him a lollipop to keep him occupied for a while but by the time we got to the market, he didn't have it any more. Assuming he’d dropped it, I didn't think about it again. We finished grocery shopping and continued on our way. I noticed people giving me strange smiles all day, but I didn't put two and two together until I got home. that's when, as I put away the groceries, I ran my fingers through my hair - and discovered the missing lollipop stuck firmly to my head! Boy, was I embarrassed thinking about how many people had seen me that way! (R.S. Baltimore MD) (å¿å) (ô¿ô) (Õ¿Õ) ©¿©¬ (å¿å) (ô¿ô) //(º_º)\\ I had just finished taking a shower when I realized I didn't have a clean towel. Heading to the laundry room, I suddenly stopped in my tracks as I passed through the living room. Seeing my sister at the front door receiving a pizza delivery. I quickly backed into the hallway. Unfortunately for me, my feet were wet and I ended up slipping and falling flat on my face. My sister and the pizza delivery guy turned to look at me, stunned while I quickly scrambled into the other room. but I was mortified -- and now I make sure I have towels nearby BEFORE I get in the shower! (å¿å) (ô¿ô) (Õ¿Õ) ©¿©¬ (å¿å) (ô¿ô) //(º_º)\\ I had been having trouble with my cable TV, so I was fed up when one day, I turned on the set and again found it wasn't working. Furious, I called the cable company and chewed them out, demanding they send someone to fix the problem once and for all. When the technician arrived, he checked the cable hookups while I waited impatiently in the kitchen. Finally, he told me he’d found the problem. “It’s about time!” I replied. “What’s wrong now?” “Your TV was unplugged!” he said. Now I make sure my appliances are plugged in, before I start complaining! (LF Riverside, NJ) (å¿å) (ô¿ô) (Õ¿Õ) ©¿©¬ (å¿å) (ô¿ô) //(º_º)\\ My friend and I were at a concert, and I needed to use the ladies’ room. As we made our way across the busy lobby, I saw an opening in the crowd. I grabbed my friend’s hand so we wouldn’t get separated and sped through the masses of people. I’d almost made it to the ladies’ room when I heard someone yell above the noise, “Excuse me, I think you have the wrong hand!” I turned and was shocked to see I was holding a strange man’s hand! Totally embarrassed, I apologized and made my way back to my friend, who was still where I’d left her. Now I look closely before I grab anything. (RN Durham, NC) (å¿å) (ô¿ô) (Õ¿Õ) ©¿©¬ (å¿å) (ô¿ô) //(º_º)\\ I work at a car-rental agency, and one day, I was training a new agent. One of the first things I teach is the profile of an “undesirable renter”: someone who looks suspicious or unkempt or is wearing dirty or torn clothing. As I was stressing this to her, I looked up and saw a shady-looking man holding a brown paper bag headed our way. Seizing the opportunity, I said brightly, “Look at that man. He’s a perfect example of the kind of person we don’t want to rent to.” The woman gave me an icy look and replied, “That happens to be my husband!” Now I keep all real-life examples to myself. **************************** the Lonely Frog --------------- A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks. "No," says the psychic, "in biology class." **************************** Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler --------------------------------- Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off. Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected). If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. --- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. **************************** Cars R us --------- This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be out done, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out and the guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, Yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." The man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT!" **************************** Rise and shine!!! ----------------- An elderly gentleman checked into a New York hotel. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour. "No need for that, young man," snapped the old timer. "I always wake up at five A.M. sharp - without an alarm clock." "Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would you mind calling me at six?" **************************** Cookin' ------- Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'" **************************** Paying Up --------- A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, making out. As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business. After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25." ****************************