TESTING YOUR VOCAB..... 1) What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse? 2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of? 3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it? 4) What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k? 5) What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands? 6) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat? 7) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? ----------------------------------- Boy... I swear this is not dirty...!!! NOW... PLEASE SEE THE ANSWERS... ANSWERS: 1) Talk 2) Legs 3) A Twenty-dollar bill 4) Firetruck 5) Fork 6) Almond Joy Candy Bar 7) Last name ************************* Genius ------ I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he kept getting the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of the key. When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius. ************************* > >> Subject: Fwd: FW: Aging >> >> Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half." You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a half going on 5. You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually. Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21....Yes!!!!! Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What's wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30. Then you're PUSHING 40....stay over there. You REACH 50. You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; >then you MAKE IT to >> 60. By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70. After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday... You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one." And it doesn't end there.... Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half." ************************* ARRGH!!! -------- Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him. "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night." "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?" "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes." ************************* Carkeys ------- One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car. "If I take them out of the car I lose them," she reasoned. "Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband countered. "Oh that's okay," the wife chirped happily, "I keep a spare key in the glove box!" ************************* A friend of mine and her husband went to Toys R Us to get a ball for their grandson. The name of the ball was "Ugly Balls". They searched the store but were unable to find them. The wife saw a salesperson and went over and asked him, "Do you have Ugly Balls?" She wouldn't have thought anything about this except... her husband was rolling on the floor ************************* The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod." That was pretty much the end of learning for that day. ************************* I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. ************************* 19 WAYS TO ANNOY OTHER PEOPLE 1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 150%, dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies. 2. In the memo field of all of your checks, write "for sensual massage". 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". 4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up". 5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think". 6. Practice making fax and modem noises. 7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss. 8. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy". 9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 10. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green and insist to others that you "like it that way". 11. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." 12. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 13. Ask people what gender they are. 14. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 15. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.16. Sing along at the opera. 17. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 18. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles". 19. Send this list to everyone in your e-mail address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this. ************************* Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However soon the weather turned so cold, that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell into a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and shit on the little bird. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him, and defrost his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by, hearing the chirping decided to investigate the sounds. The cat cleared the manure, found the bird, and promptly ate him. THE MORAL OF THE STORY: 1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessary your enemy. 2. Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessary your friend. 3. And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. ************************* 69 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART 1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. 3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in. 5. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "I need some tampons!!" 6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department. 7. Try on bras over top of your clothes. 8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms 9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy" 10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens. 11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all on and turn the volumes to "10." 12. Play with the automatic doors. 13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!...," etc., See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. 14. While walking through the clothing department, say loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this shit, anyway?" 15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department. 16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually. 17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins. 18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. 19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!" 20. Put M&M's on layaway. 21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. 22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. 23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. 24. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. 25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!" 26. TP as much of the store as possible. 27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. 28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down. 29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry an ask, "Why don't you people just leave me alone?" 30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!" 31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. 32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joe's vs. the X-Men. 33. Take bets on the battle described above. 34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joe's vs. G.I. Jane's (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!) 35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. Act as spastic as possible. 36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room. 37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible." 38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. 39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags. 40. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them. 41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. 42. Two words: "Marco Polo." 43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc. 44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics. 45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels. 46. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them 47. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp.: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions. 48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" 49. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out. 50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. 51. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good Bessie." 52. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles. 53. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. 54. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department. 55. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. 56. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles. 57. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." 58. Hold indoor shopping cart races. 59. Redress the mannequins as you see fit. 60. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles. 61. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. 62. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. 63. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. 64. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?" 65. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?" 66. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive." 67. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. 68. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it! 69. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming "