Queen Elizabeth and Princess Anne were on an African safari, riding in a Range Rover, when they were ambushed by a group of bandits. Being well-read thugs, they immediately recognized the royal ladies. "I know you," the bandit chief said to the Queen, "You're the richest woman in the world. Hand over all your money and be quick about it." "I am terrible sorry," Her Majesty replied. "It is true that I am very wealthy, but I never carry cash on my person. You can search me if you like, but I have nothing to give you." Frustrated, the robber turned to the Princess. "You never go anywhere without dripping with jewelry," he growled. "Hand over all the jewelry before I kill you both." "I am so sorry," said Her Highness, "But this is a safari. It would have been in dreadful taste for me to wear any jewels. You can search me also, but I have nothing to give you either." Growling with frustration and rage, the bandit chief ordered them out of the Rover, loaded it up with his men, and drove off in cloud of dust. After a little while, Princess Anne turned to the Queen by the side of the road and said, "By the way, I happen to know that you always carry a large sum of money with you. How did you save it?" Primly, Queen Elizabeth replied, "Well, I saw the miscreants ahead on the road, and took the opportunity to hide my money in... ahem... a woman's private place, you know." Reaching down she pulled out a roll of banknotes. The Queen continued, "But what about you, my dear? With my own eyes I saw the diamond set you had on this morning. How did you happen to save it?" Blushing a little, Anne confessed "Well, I too saw the robbers lying in wait, and had enough warning to hide my jewelry in ...umm ... a woman's private place." Reaching down, she pulled out a handful of sparkling gemstones, and fastened them back in place. The two ladies stood in silence for a few moments. Then the Queen remarked, "Pity Fergie isn't here. We might have saved the Rover." ******************************************************************************************** A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While he was praying, he asked God, "How long is 10 million years to you?" He replied, "1 second." The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?" And God replied, "A penny." Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can i have one of your pennies?" And God replied, "Just wait a sec." ******************************************************************************************** Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the ole and wait... and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT thing in, it's GOTTA make some noise." The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie." ******************************************************************************************** A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" ******************************************************************************************** Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than -" "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not -" "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries." ******************************************************************************************** Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tries the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad which read: "Lose weight $1.00 a pound."and simply listed a telephone number. Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the man responded, 'Ten pounds.' The voice replied, 'Very well, put your check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.' About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. Here stands a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, 'If you catch me you can screw me.' Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself she said, 'Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!'. He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce! That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the somewhat less overweight man replied, 'Twenty pounds.' 'Very well', the voice on the phone told him, 'Put your check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.' At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stateing 'If you catch me you can screw me'.The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, 'Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!' He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!'This is fantastic!', he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?' 'Fifty pounds!', the man exclaimed. 'Fifty pounds?', the voice asked. 'That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.' The overweight man replied, 'My checks already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning.', and he hung up the phone. About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large ugly male gorilla with a sign around his neck saying :- 'If I catch you I'm going to screw you'.......................... ******************************************************************************************** A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the have evening off to do as he pleasd since they would be out until quite late. The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the wife told her husband that she was horrible bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next stay. The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners. So the wife went home alone and found the the butler spread out on the couch watching TV. She slowly moved towards hime and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear "Take off my dress...". "Now take off my bra. "Next remove my shoes and stockings." "Now remove my garter belt and panties" She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired".