.BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters to no one in particular... "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!!! " ******************************************** BLOND JOKE Three women all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they'd be right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy happy happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them. "NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!" ******************************************** Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking guy. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my cook". And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred. ******************************************** Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next. Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?" "No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!" "Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?" Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again. "So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?" Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends." "Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?" "I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!" ******************************************** Joseph was very depressed. He ran into his friend Jon. Jon asked him what was wrong. "I'm just depressed and can't get over the fact that I have three balls." "Three balls? You're DEPRESSED? Son, we can make a *fortune* with this!" Jon exclaimed. "How do we do that?" "We go from bar to bar, and bet everyone that between you and the bartender you've got five balls. It can't miss!" Joseph brightens up and off they go. They get to the first bar, make friends with some of the strangers at the bar, then made the annoucement, "I'll bet anyone that between the bartender and my friend Joseph, they've got five balls." Jon announced. Almost everyone rushed up to place their bets. Jon turned to the bartender and said, "You don't mind if we use you on this, do you?" The bartender said, "Not at all. In fact, I'm very impressed." "Yeah?" Jon asked, "How come?" "Well, I've never met a man with *4* balls before. I've only got one." ******************************************** A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked: "Will you buy booze?" The bum said: "No." The man asked "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said: "No." Then the man asked: "Will you come home with me, so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?" ******************************************** Here's the Humor... What Will He Be? An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path... so they decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and putt hem on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home. The father told the mother, "If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room,carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I ever imagined..." "What do you mean?" his wife inquired. "Our son is going to be a politician!" replied the concerned father. ******************************************** It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my roomwatching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?" I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number & I was bored. "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?" "Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded. "I think he said he'd be home around 10:00." Silence on the other end...a confused silence. "Is this Steve?" My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number. "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?" "Well...he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him..." she said in a slightly irritated voice. I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00." A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!" "The girl he went out with." "I know that! I mean...who is she?" "I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?" "Yes...please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home." She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?" She exploded this time. "Who's Jennifer?" Apparently she wasn't. "Well...he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry...it was an honest mistake." "Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's Very Upset and that I would Like Him to Call Me as Soon As He Gets Home." I smiled and said, "Okay, I will...but Becky isn't going to like this..." " Click " ******************************************** · Request The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons: · has to work hard; · has to work at great depths; · has to work upside down; · has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work; · has to work in a high humidity environment; · has to work at high temperatures; · does not get weekends and holidays off; · does not get time off after extra hours of work; · has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness. Request denied -------------- for the following reasons: · does not work 8 hours in a row; · does not answer immediately to all requests; · does not have a degree; · after a short activity period, falls asleep at work; · shows no fidelity to the workplace; · retires too early; · does not work at all unless pushed from behind; · does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work. ******************************************** The Prince of Wales was driving around his Mother's estate one day when he accidentally ran over her favorite Corgi. The poor unfortunate dog was crushed beyond recognition. The Prince got out of his car, sat down on the grass and started crying. The whole world was already against him and now his mother would be furious with him as well. Suddenly he noticed a lamp half buried by his foot. He dug up the lamp and polished it-Lo and behold, a genie appeared. "You've freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment", said the genie. "I grant you one wish". "Well", said the Prince, "I have all the money and material things that I need, but let me show you this dog". They walked over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you can bring this dog back to life?" asked the Prince. The Genie looked carefully at the remains and gently shook his head. "This body is far too mangled for even my magic to bring back to life... isn't there anything else you would like"? The Prince thought for a moment and then reached into his pocket and took out two photographs. "I used to be married to this beautiful woman named Diana," said the Prince, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman named Camilla." He showed the genie the second photo. "You see, Camilla isn't beautiful at all-do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?" The genie studied the two photographs and after a few moments said: "Let's have a look at that dog again." ******************************************** The Prince of Wales was driving around his Mother's estate one day when he accidentally ran over her favorite Corgi. The poor unfortunate dog was crushed beyond recognition. The Prince got out of his car, sat down on the grass and started crying. The whole world was already against him and now his mother would be furious with him as well. > Suddenly he noticed a lamp half buried by his foot. He dug up the lamp and polished it-Lo and behold, a genie appeared. "You've freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment", said the genie. "I grant you one wish". > "Well", said the Prince, "I have all the money and material things that I need, but let me show you this dog". They walked over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you can bring this dog back to life?" asked the Prince. The Genie looked carefully at the remains and gently shook his head. "This body is far too mangled for even my magic to bring back to life... isn't there anything else you would like"? The Prince thought for a moment and then reached into his pocket and took out two photographs. "I used to be married to this beautiful woman named Diana," said the Prince, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman named Camilla." He showed the genie the second photo. "You see, Camilla isn't beautiful at all-do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?" The genie studied the two photographs and after a few moments said: "Let's have a look at that dog again."