I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he kept getting the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of the key. When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius. ******************************************** ---------------------------- --------------------------- Drug dealers IT-ers ---------------------------- --------------------------- Refer to their clients Refer to their clients as "users". as "users". "The first one's free!" "Download a free trial version..." Have important South-East Have important South-East Asian connections Asian connections (to help move the stuff). (to help debug the code). Strange jargon: Strange jargon: "Stick" "SCSI" "Rock" "RTFM" "Wrap" "Packet" "E" "C" "Stash" "Cache" "Drive by" "CTRL ALT DEL" "Hit (LSD)" "Hit (WWW)" "Source" "Source-code" "The Pigs" "Microsoft" Realize that there's Realize that there's tons of cash in the tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old 14- to 25-year-old market. market. Your clients really like your Your clients really like your stuff when it works.When it stuff when it works. When it doesn't work they want to kill doesn't work they want to kill you. you. Job is assisted by the Job is assisted by the industry producing industry producing newer, more potent product. newer, more potent products. Often seen in the company Often seen in the company of of pimps, hustlers marketing people, venture and lowlifes capitalists and fund managers. When things go wrong, a When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call "fix" is just a phone call away but may be expensive away but may be expensive A lot of successful people A lot of successful people getting rich in this industry getting rich in this industry while still teen-agers while still teen-agers Their product causes DOOM. Quake. SimCity. unhealthy addictions. Duke Nukem 3D. 'Nuff said. Do your job well, and Damn! Damn! DAMN!!! you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you. ******************************************** 1). Top Ten things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secret: 10) Does this come in children's sizes? 9) No thank's, just sniffing. 8) I'll be in the dressing room going blind. 7) Mom will love this. 6) Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys log on it? 5) No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here. 4) Will you model this for me? 3) Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!! 2) $45 bucks?!?! You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!! 1) The miracle What?? This is better than world peace! ******************************************** A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son play with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving." The mother went into the living room and told her son "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language." Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." ******************************************** Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace." Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.... "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND.." Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy.." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and...."then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army." ******************************************** A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor. Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation. Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning? Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined. Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept? Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container. Trucker: Yeah, that's right. All lead. Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning. Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning. ******************************************** An old sailing ship is becalmed at sea with a full complement of sailors. They are stuck there for days and days with nothing to do. One morning the captain decides he is going to lay on some entertainment for the men. He orders a barrel to be placed on the top deck. It has an orifice in the side and he invites each one of the men to "take the pleasures" of the barrel to their heart's content. Soon a full- fledged hedonistic orgy is underway. The men are cheerful once again and morale is boosted. Things reach such a frenzy that even the captain's dog has a go. Once the party is over and the barrel is full of the team's spirit, it is bunged up and thrown overboard. The ship sails away. A few days later the barrel comes ashore on the beach of a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. The only inhabitants of the island are the nuns who have founded their convent there. The nuns find the barrel and open it. They don't recognize the contents and take it to be wax, from which they fashion candles. Of course, nuns being nuns, they use the candles in the way only nuns can. Nine months later an inordinate number of babies appear inexplicably on the island. One of the nuns is very guilty about her sins and approaches the Mother Superior for confession. "Forgive me, Mother. I have had a baby." The Mother Superior says, "That's nothing, my child. I've had puppies." ******************************************** Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Q: Why did God create alcohol? A: So ugly people would have a chance to have sex. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A: "Are you sure it's mine?" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? A: Beer nuts are $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Q: What three two-letter words denote "small"? A: "Is it in?" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A: A tick falls off you when you die. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions? A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Q: What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? A: Your Honor. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Q: Moms have Mothers Day, fathers have Fathers Day. What do Single guys have? A: Palm Sunday -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? A: Mace will do that to you. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A: A bingo machine. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists? A: They have shaky hands! ******************************************** You know you work in corporate America in the 90's if ... 1. You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies. 2. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro. 3. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. 4. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes. 5. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet. 6. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined. 7. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive. 8. It's dark when you drive to and from work. 9. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor. 10. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple. 11. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home. 12. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital. 13. You're already late on the assignment you just got. 14. You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!" 15. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube. 16. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you." 17. Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January. 18. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers." 19. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube. 20. You read this entire list and understood it. ******************************************** A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. "Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. "And, most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied. ********************************************