Humor.....Jewish.... A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. The rabbi is accompanying him. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?" "Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us." "Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?" "We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us." "And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?" The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well." "To the city!? And what do they send to you?" "Today, they have sent *you* to us." ******************************************* How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice. ******************************************* Humor....Shortie... "My professional and my personal lives have become way too intertwined.", the stewardess told her fellow stew. "Last night my husband nudged me awake, and began to make love. Without giving it a thought, I said, 'Welcome Aboard'." ******************************************* Humor.....Generation Gap... An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man sat next to him. The young man had green, orange, & yellow spiked hair. He had several earrings and some black makeup around his eyes. The old man stared at him. The young man said, "What's the matter, old man? Haven't you ever done anything crazy before?" The old man answered, "Well, yes, actually, I have. You see, I once got really drunk & had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son." ******************************************* Humor....Kids... One day, in a kindergarten class a little boy asked the teacher if he could go to the bathroom. The class was in the middle of something so the teacher said no. The little boy had to go so bad that he went into a dark corner of the room and pooped in his hand. Ashamed of what he had done, he cupped his hands together so no one could see what he had in his hands. The teacher noticed this and asked the boy, "What do you have in your hand?" The child replied, "A little birdie." To this the teacher demanded, Let me see him." "No, you'll scare him!" said the little boy. So she sent him through the ranks of the school, each school official demanding to see the "birdie" and each time with the same reply until he reached the principal....3who tried the same old *demanding to see.* When that of course, didn't work, he devised a new plan......just to scare the child into letting him see the birdie he said, "Now if you don't let me see the birdie I'll have to call the police." Obviously frightened by this notion the kid opened his hands and replied, "See, you scared the shit out of him!" ******************************************* Humor....Dinner A man bought a live chicken to slaughter himself. He was passing a movie when he decided to go see the show, stuffing the chicken in his pants. Midway through the show, the chicken gets restless, so the guy opens his zipper. The woman to his right starts nudging her friend...'Did you see what that guy has sticking out of his pants?' Her friend says 'Big deal, seen one, seen 'em all.' NO, this one is eating my popcorn! ******************************************* Humor....Marriage Partners... One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" ******************************************* Humor.....Hero... After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. Mr. James, you records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home." he said. "I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry." ******************************************* Humor.....Old Bill Again.... Hillary dies and goes to Heaven, where she meets St. Peter. She notices that there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are there so many clocks. St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off one second. St. Peter explains that the one clock has never moved because it belonged to mother Theresa and she never told a lie in her whole life. The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he only told two lies in his whole life, only two seconds had clicked. Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock?" St. Peter says, "Bill's clock is upstairs in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." ******************************************* Humor.....Grief.... The beautiful eighteen-year-old girl sobbed hysterically at the funeral service of her seventy-five-year-old husband. She confided in a friend, "We had such a happy marriage for the three months it lasted. Every Sunday morning he would make loveto me, keeping time with the rhythm of the church bells." She sobbed again, then added, "If that fire engine hadn't clanged by, he'd be alive today." ******************************************* Tee-ing off with a hitman ------------------------- There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they are getting ready to tee off when a guy asks them if he can join them. The friends looked at each other and then look at the man and say, "Sure." So they tee off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious about what the man did for a living so they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. They kinda laughed. The man said, "No, really! I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like." So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The stranger said, "Sure." So the man looked for a second and said, "YEAH! I can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. WAIT! There's my next door neighbor, Chad! He's naked too!" This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hit man replied, "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The man said, "$1000? Ouch! But okay. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, for screwing around with my wife." The hitman agrees, lifts the rifle and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. The man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman replies, "Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks." ******************************************* Nothing good or bad ------------------- A man arrives at the pearly gates, and St. Peter looks up his record and says, "Well, you didn't do anything particularly good, but neither did you do anything particularly bad. I'll tell you what - if you can tell me of one really good deed you've done, I'll let you stay. So the man says, "Well, once I saw some bikers menacing a young woman. I stopped my car. I took out my tire iron. I walked up to their leader - a huge, hairy, ugly man, full of tattoos. He had a nose ring. I ripped it right of of his nose, and said, "You leave this girl alone, you hear?" I stared at all of them, and I said, "Now get out of here, or you'll have to answer to me ." St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" he asked the man. "About two minutes ago." ******************************************* This fellow was walking home from work one evening, very depressed. He was married to a nagging woman who was constantly switching between treating him nice and tearing down his self esteem. To add to it, his best friend was to be hanged that night for a capital crime. He stomped into the house and slammed the door, sunk in his self-pity. His wife said, "Honey, what's the problem?" "They're hanging my best friend, Tony Wright, tonight!" "I understand, go take a bath. I'll get supper ready for you, Sweetie, and you can go down to see him before the hanging. Now, won't that make you feel better?" He decided to not make it worse and agrees with her proposal. Well, while she was getting supper the paper came, hitting the front door with a plop. She picked it up and opened it. The heading said, "WRIGHT GETS STAY OF EXECUTION." She knew her husband would want to know immediately and hearing the great news would really lift his spirits, so she went up the stairs and opened the bathroom door. There he was, bent over and naked, cleaning the tub. She said, "Honey, they're not hanging Wright tonight!" He answered, "The same old story. First you're nice and then bitch, bitch, bitch!!!" ******************************************* George's Physical 70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done." "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?" Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"