Humor....Spending Spree A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now". So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis. So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie. So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: "First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it! ******************************************* Humor.....Interspecies Differences... The first manned Martian expedition landed on Mars, and to their amazement, they discovered that the planet was populated. The Martians were humanoid and not much different from their neighbors on Earth. The expedition personnel, 4 males and one female, spent the first few days avidly discussing their various fields of expertise with their hosts. The Martians also showed great hospitality to their visitors, wined them and dined them, took them to the Mars bars. Eventually, of course, the subject of procreation was raised. The Martians took their guests deep into their underground complex, into a room with red paneling covered in dials, switches and other controls. "Right," said one of the Martians, adjusting various controls. "I think we should make a boy who will grow up to be tall, fair, an engineer, a good sportsman with a good sense of humor but a bit shy". He checked his settings, punched a blue button and a few seconds later a panel in the wall opened and a basket containing a Martian baby slid into view. Everyone, Martians and humans gathered around and gasped in wonder at the new born child. Then the Martians asked how this was accomplished on Earth. "Well," said the Expedition Leader. "If Miss Johnson would care to assist in the demonstration, I should be only too pleased to show you how it is done". The lady astronaut was more than willing and, together, they stripped each other and proceeded to have sex. When they finished and were redressing one Martian raised a quizzical eyebrow and asked when the issue could be expected. "Oh sorry," said the leader. "It takes nine months". "Nine months!", exclaimed the Martian. "Well, why all the hurry at the end?" ******************************************* Humor.....Proud Moms.... Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace." The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first hree women give her this subtle, "Well?" So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!" ******************************************* Humor....Medical Treatment... Charlie wanted a new birth control method and his doctor suggested a vasectomy. Charlie agreed and the doctor said he could perform the operation in his office. At a crucial moment during the procedure one of Charlie's testicles fell to the floor, and the nurse, who was wearing high heels, accidentally stepped on it and crushed it. [Standard operating procedure.] However, the doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse's desk. Taking an onion, and realizing it was the right size and weight, he placed it in Charlie's scrotum and completed the operation. [Standard operating procedure.] A few months later Charlie returned for a check up. When the doctor asked how things were going, Charlie replied. "Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife's not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects. Every time we make love, my wife gets heartburn; when I pee my eyes water; and whenever I pass a hamburger stand, I have an erection. ******************************************* Humor.....Promises... A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter...Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!" She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!" Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes..." ******************************************* Humor......Good Friends.... Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent, and the three wives stayed in other. At about 3:00 A.M. Bob woke up and yelled. "Wow, unbelievable!!". Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?" Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." "How come?", Bill asked. "To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!" After a pause, Bill said,"Do you want me to come with you?" "Hell no! Why would I want you to do that?" "Because that's my dick you're holding." ******************************************* Humor.....In the Know.... A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you five hundred dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 500 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob, our next door neighbor," she replied. "Great," the husband says, "Did he say anything about the five hundred dollars he owes me?" ******************************************* Humor.....New Doc... A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties: "Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids." The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign: "Queers & Rears." The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople. So the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign: "Odds & Ends." ******************************************* Humor.....New Friend.... A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!" "Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there-and she's only covered by a fig leaf!" "Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!" So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again." "Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?" (What struck me about the above joke was how familar it sounded. When I was a child, we use to go for rides every Sunday and then out for dinner where ever we ended up that day. While in the mountains in Pennsylvania, mother and I went to the ladies room at a lodge/taproom where we had stopped for dinner. There was a big wooden indian statue in the corner of the room garbed in a loin cloth that said "do not touch". While I was using the facilities, my mother's curiousity got the better of her and she lifted the loin cloth......all I heard was the really loud fog horn sounding off.....but boy was my mother's face red when she walked back through the taproom to our dinner table. I was about 9 at the time and it took me years to figure out what had happened and why everyone was laughing at my mom's red face!....Day) ******************************************* Humor......Name Pun.... The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had to much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar!" The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pasto Fuzz." The bartender nodded, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up." ******************************************* Humor.....Keeping up with the Jones.... This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out and the guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, Yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT!" ******************************************* Humor.....New Zealand These three babies are sitting in their prams in the local supermarket while their mommies are shopping. They are parked in die baby food department and the one baby said: "You see these bottles of Purity? It really taste like shit and I have to eat it every day!" The second baby replied: "Oh sure, you see those boxes of powder milk, that taste like nothing and I must drink it three times a day!" The third, and youngest, baby just sat there with a sour face and said: "Why are you guys complaining? I have to share a tit with a mouth that taste like Chesterfield Plain!" ******************************************* Humor.....Texas... Three cowboys, one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the other from Texas, are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall tales begins... The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands." The guy from Arkansas can't stand to be outdone. "Why I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands and bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!" The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.