Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled. ***************************************** A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door." ***************************************** A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks,"Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods." "That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom" "Yes son?" "Why the fuck are we in a zoo? ***************************************** On The Wrong Bus ---------------- Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride. He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?" The reply is, "l got this in the war." Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats. The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times. So Fred asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?" Again the answer is, "l got this in the war." Fred moves. The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war." His reply was, "No, l got it out of my nose. I can't get it off of my hand." ***************************************** Increasing... ------------- A family was all together recently, just hanging around. The sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud; "Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?" The bother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?" To which the father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough." ***************************************** Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots. They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell " Only 51 days!" The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by Only 51 days. One of the blondes looks at him and says "Well," looking very smug. "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us Only 51 Days.....and on the box it said 4-7 years!" ***************************************** You know your life stinks when... --------------------------------- . A black cat crosses you path and drops dead. . You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife. . The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm. . Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft. . You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment. . Your children's school calls to surrender. . The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice. . Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map. . Your plants do better when you 'don't' talk to them. . All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists. . Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic. ***************************************** A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor puts his stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, "Big breaths." The girl replies, "Yeth and I'm not even thixteen." ************************************** A blonde drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay". ************************************** The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. When the proxy father was scheduled to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "I'm off to the office. The man should be here soon." A half hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain," interjected Mrs. Smith. "I've been expecting you." "Really?" asked the photographer. "Well, good ! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes, the living room floor is fun too - you can really spread out." "The bathtub? The living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Smith. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my gosh!" she exclaimed, tugging at her hanky. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" questioned Mrs. Smith, in amazement. "Yes, and for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could barely concentrate. Then, darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward, "You mean they actually chewed on your equipment!" "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod?" gasped Mrs. Smith with an extremely worried look. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to hold while I'm getting ready for action... Madam? Madam? Good gosh, she's fainted!" ************************************** "The year is made up of 365 days, each having 24 hours,12 of which are night time hours, which add up to a total of 182 days. This leaves you with 183 days to work minus 52 Sundays, which leaves you with 131 days to work minus 52 Saturdays, which leaves you with 79 days to work. But, there are 4 hours each day, set aside for eating, which adds up 60 days, which leaves you 19 days for working. But you are entitled to 15 days of your vacation, which means you have 4 days left for work minus 3 days, which you usually take off due to illness or other emergencies, which leaves you 1 day to work, which happens to be Labor Day which is a Holiday." SO, WHY ARE YOU SO TIRED? ************************************** A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately for him, there is a pile of dog crap just inside the door and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself, walks to the bar and buys a drink. A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of poop, falls, gets up, cleans himself and then buys a drink. Trying to strike up a conversation, the little guy turns to the big guy, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that." The big guy punched him in the mouth.... ************************************** Some NEW Bumper Stickers 1. Constipated people don't give a shit. 2. Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself. 3. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people. 4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 5. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut. 6. Please tell your pants its not polite to point. 7. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better. 8. My kid got your honor roll student pregnant. 9. Thank you for pot smoking. 10. To all you virgins thanks for nothing. 11. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling. 12. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings." 13. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer. 14. Horn broken...watch for finger. 15. You've picked your nose...now where do you put the booger. 16. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass. ************************************** A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is..." she complained, "It wakes me up!" ********************* A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. Nearing the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, she slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded "What took you so long?" and he replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area." ************************************** One day the Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said. Adam looked at the Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" The Lord looked upon Adam saying with great sorrow, "You'll never be able to use these two gifts at the same time." ************************************** "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?" "Look, I can't prescribe..." "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me." The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE." "I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?" "Um... okay." The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes--he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..." His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me...too..." ************************************** This married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman...almost." The priest says, "What do you mean 'almost'?" The man says "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in, you're not to go near that woman again. Now say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and that's the same as putting it in!"