On the Piano Miss Bee was in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bee had flipped . . .or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bee" he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this" (pointing to the bowl) "Oh yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter!" ******************************************** There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror admiring his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over, with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand. A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with the cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world." The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady replied, "Look at that--when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. And when I got to be 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat." ******************************************** There was a father and his little boy that went into a local drug store to >pick up a prescription. While in the store the little boy was looking >around >and came upon a rather large display for condoms. The little boy looked at >all the brightly colored packages and the different types and the different >quantities. >The little boy went to his father and asked "Daddy, what are these >condoms?" >The father, stuttered, and said "Well, they are for protection from >diseases >when a man and a woman make love." >The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked >"Then, why do these come in a package of three?" >The father coyly answered "Those are for young men in high school. One for >Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday afternoon." >"UH-HUH" said the little boy, "then why are these in packages of six?" >The father smirked "Those are for young men in college. There are two for >Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday afternoon." >"WOW" said the little boy in amazement. He then asked "Well, then why are >these packaged a dozen at a time?" >The father answered "Those, my son, are for married men. One for January, >one >for February..." ******************************************** You might be a Yankee if... (the other side to REDNECK humor)::: The sound of Fran Drescher's voice doesn't bother you. You've watched the movie "Deliverance" and you're afraid to go on a camping trip. Ever. For breakfast, you'd rather have potatoes than grits. You can name at least 4 hockey teams. You don't know what a moon pie is. You've never eaten Okra. You wonder why people in restaurants don't talk as loud as you do. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun & knife show. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly. You've never had grain alcohol. You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse. You have no idea what a polecat is. Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle. You've never had bangs. You'd rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show. You refer to two or more people as "you guys" instead of "y'all". You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach. You prefer a bagel over a donut. You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob,Kay Bob, Bob Bob) You get freaked out when strangers in public talk to you. None of your fur coats are made with real fur. You don't know what a Piggly-Wiggly is. You think NASCAR stands for the North American Society for...(something) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork. Your idea of a perfect meal is "Lahbsta and Clam Chawdah." You use the horn in your car more than once or twice a year. Everything you know about the Civil War you learned watching TV. You don't "reckon". You're not "fixin" to do anything. ******************************************** As you are receiving my note by e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE ******************************************** The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?". Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?". "Yes.", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?", the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No.". Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?". "Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her?". Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employees home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?". "No, he is busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?". " A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!". Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They are looking for me!" ******************************************** Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt? You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember. Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin. When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spalding in there, and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear." That was the last thing I remember. ******************************************** Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so, as the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts." After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?" "Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from the ear." ******************************************** A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!' The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, 'Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes." ******************************************** Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee." The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" ask the others. "I don't wake up until nine!" >