Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday. Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. ************************** One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods on their way home when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating in the brush. "What are they doing, Dad?" asked the small child, staring intently at the scene before them. "They, um, they're making a puppy" said the boy's father, as he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly. A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his bed to go to the bathroom. As he walked by his parents' room, he heard strange noises coming from within. He opened the door and was surprised to see his father on top of his mother, moving in a strange way. His father looked up and saw his son - instantly, both mother and father froze. As the boy's mother grabbed for the sheets to cover herself up, the father got up and hustled his son out of the bedroom. "What were you doing to Mom, Dad?" asked the little boy, who still wasn't sure what he saw. "Your mother and I were, well, we were, ah, trying to make a baby - you know, maybe a brother or sister for you" said the boy's father, now confident that this would satisfy his son's curiosity. "Oh" said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute. "Y'know Dad, when you go back to bed with mom, turn her over, please - I'd rather have a puppy". ************************** A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man incredulously. "I'm a divorce lawyer," replies the balding man. ************************** Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in. ************************** Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the washer and dryer How do you know when a women's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...." How do you fix a woman's watch? Don't bothert...there's a clock on the oven! Why do men die before their wives? They want to. What do you do when your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you? You make the chain shorter. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that just...won't...do...what...she's...told! I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. Why do Japanese Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs? So you can tell them apart from the feminists. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. Why do women like intelligent men? Opposites attract. Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them! Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep! ************************** A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away on the couch beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law." ************************** Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots. They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell " Only 51 days!" The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by Only 51 days. One of the blondes looks at him and says "Well," looking very smug. "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us Only 51 Days..... and on the box it said 4-7 years" ************************** Proper Functioning ------------------ Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee." The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" ask the others. "I don't wake up until nine!" ************************** Lonely Adam ----------- After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help. He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you." Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?" The answer came back, "An arm and a leg." "Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?" ************************** Check up -------- This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?" She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?" She says, "Well, your name never came up." ************************** Sad ...     I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions.  Because to be honest,   none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me.   At any rate I have finished converting all the "y's" to "K's" for all the   months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go   with the following new months:   Januark   Februark   Mak   Julk     I'm sure you'll be pleased that the project has been completed well in   advance of the target completion date. Yes, in Zimbabwe we are Now 100%  Y2K compliant.     Regards    Anglo American Zimbabwe   ***************************************  Things you would never know without the movies: Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.   Be warned this joke will damage your health. Noah was out for a stroll one day, when God made himself known to him. "Noah" He boomed, "I want you to make another ark" "As you wish my Lord, shall I make it the same as before?" "No, not this time" said God, "I'd like you to make it with several different floors....mmm....let's say ten!" "As you wish my Lord, I shall make ten floors tall, it shall be the greatest ark ever built. And shall I fill it with all of you worldly creations, two by two?" "No" said God, "I'd like it filled with just one species - I'd like it filled with my favourite fish, the carp" "As you wish my Lord, I will fill it as you desire, but may I ask you why you require this?" "Well...", replied God, "wait for it...... "..." "..." "..." "..." "......I've always wanted to have a multi-storey carpark" ************************** This is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! This motorway walks into a bar,(and we are talking one enormous great three laned, traffic coned, flashing light, Little Chef strewn behemoth of a motorway here, a true mega-hard b*stard amongst roads), and orders a pint of vodka. Getting its drink, it goes and sits in a quiet corner of the bar, and starts reading the paper, minding its own business. Then this butch looking dual carrigeway walks in, and this also is one mean looking road. Half its central reservation missing, wrecked cars scattering its sides...you know the type...and orders a pint of whiskey. It gets its drink and slowly walks over to the motorway. The barman at this point is getting ready for trouble, got the number of Kwikfit and the AA to hand and everything, but the dual carrigeway just sits down next to the motorway, takes a book out of its back pocket and quietly starts reading. At this point a little, weedy single lane pink tarmac road walks in and asks for half a coke, diet (of course), ice, lemon and a straw. And in a girly lager glass at that. Anyway, it picks its drink up and walks over to the alcove where the motorway and the dual carrigeway are sitting and parks itself down beside them. The barman, obviously, is now thinking "Oh Christ, the poor little b*gger's going to get its lights punched out, or two black cats eyes at the very least", but to his amazement the motorway and dual carrigeway take one look at the newcomer, neck their drinks and move off rapidly. The barman is well confused at this, and calls them over as they're about to leave. "So, what's the story then?" he asks, "Two great big roads like you scared of nothing more than a lane". The motorway looks at the dual carrigeway then leans close to the barman and whispers..... (scroll down for answer) ............( wait for it)........ ........(its worth it, honest).......... .......(just building up the tension)...... ......"You want to watch out for him mate, he's a cycle path!" ******************************* A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink.  Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers.  When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.   He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.  "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.   No one answered.   "I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"   Some of the locals shifted restlessly.   He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back!  He saddled up and started to ride out of town.   The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, Say partner, what happened in Texas?"   The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"   *******************************   A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"   The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.   The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."   The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."   The bartender says "Oh my God!  What is it?  What do you have?"   "I have................. only fifty cents!"     **********************************************     BUMPERSTICKERS     Life is sexually transmitted.   Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.   Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.   It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.   The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.   It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.   Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.   The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.   If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.   Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).   Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).   When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?   If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.   The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.   Never take life seriously.  Nobody gets out alive, anyway.   There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.   An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.   A closed mouth gathers no feet.   Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.   It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.   Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.   The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.