Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. after a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?(Scroll down for the answer.) The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. ****Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling****. So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen either. *************************************************************************** Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of an European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-fifties who was a highly decorated colonel in the air force. And next to the colonel sat a young private fresh out of boot camp. As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin. In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts. The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?" The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?" The colonel, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark. And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a colonel in the face and get away with it!" ****************************************************************************** An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures He'll have a little fun... "Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him"? New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie." Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?" Dog: "Doin' alright." New Zealander is shocked! "Is this Kiwi your owner?" *pointing at New Zealander* "Yep" "How does he treat you?" "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." The New Zealander can't believe his ears! Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" New Zealander: "Horse doesn't talk either." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "No worries." The New Zealander's mouth is agape. Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" *pointing at New Zealander* Horse: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed! Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" New Zealander: "The sheep's a fucking liar." **************************************************************** A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident." The case was dismissed. ************************************************************* Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00". Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture. ************************************************************** A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in." ************************************************************** ACTUAL "DEAR ABBY" EXCERPTS DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his. DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor? DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy. ************************************************************** In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law After the fall of the Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home." The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" ************************************************************** The neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked, "Sir,would you like to buy a toothbrush for ten dollars?" Aghast, the man said, "I should say not, That's robbery!" The salesman seemed hurt. "Well, then, how about a homemade brownie for five cents?" This seemed fair, and the man handed a nickel to the salesman. Unwrapping the brownie, he took a bite; suddenly the man spat out the mouthful. "Say," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!" "It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy a toothbrush?" ************************************************************** If Men Really Ruled The World (from November 1998 issue of Maxim magazine) Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you." Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme." Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. Tanks would be far easier to rent. Garbage would take itself out. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps." Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks. Two words: Ally McNaked. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off." Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof." The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong. People would never talk about how fresh they felt. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. ************************************************************** THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T...(UNLESS YOU WANT THEM TO BE) "Whew, that's one terrific spread!" "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat." "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist." "Talk about a huge breast!" "It's Cool Whip time!" "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!" "Are you ready for seconds yet?" "Are you going to come again next time?" "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?" "Just wait your turn, you'll get some!" "Don't play with your meat." "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in." "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?" "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!" "You still have a little bit on your chin." "Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it." "How long will it take after you stick it in?" "You'll know it's ready when it pops up." "Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!" "How many are coming?" "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!" "How long do I beat it before it's ready?" "Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest." ************************************************************** CINDERELLA Cinderella was sitting by the kitchen fire crying to herself that she was unable to go to the ball with her wicked Stepmother and Stepsisters when suddenly an old woman appeared in front of her. "Who are you?" asked Cinderella. "I am your fairy Godmother," replied the old woman. She asked Cinderalla why she was crying and after Cinderella finished telling her fairy Godmother her story, she started to cry again. "I will send you to the ball, but you will have to do as I say." said her fairy Godmother. "But I don't have anything to wear," sobbed Cinderella. "Never fear, " said her fairy Godmother as she started to clean Cinderella up and dress her in a beautiful gown. Before Cinderella left, her fairy Godmother gave her a warning. "You must return before the stroke of midnight." "But why?" asked Cinderella. Her fairy Godmother explained that she made Cinderella's diaphragm out of a pumpkin in the garden and that at Midnight it would turn back into a pumpkin. Cinderella left for the ball promising to be back by midnight. The fairy Godmother waited and as the appointed time came and passed, still had no sign of Cinderella. Finally around 5 o'clock in the morning, Cinderella stumbled into the kitchen looking very satisfied. Her fairy Godmother asked her why she did not return at midnight. Cinderella told her that she met a prince who took care of everything. "What?" said the fairy Godmother. "I know of no prince who has this power. What was his name?" "I can't remember," said Cinderella. "Peter, Peter, something or other."